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Trust a choice?

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blakesteele posted 2/20/2014 14:36 PM

Heard this proposed recently....can't grasp this yet. Is their a component of trust that is strictly a choice....a leaping off place?

Or is it, as I once believed, something that is earned over time?

Any opinions?

Looking to answer this with as much separation from the pain of adultery as you can. I very much want to challenge my pre-concieved ideas on trust.

karmahappens posted 2/20/2014 14:49 PM

Yes, I think it is most definitely a choice. A choice made over time, by watching, confirming and seeing your situation with open eyes.

Trust isn't something concrete, so how are you able to completely trust someone without that leap of faith?

For me, I took a lot longer than necessary to trust my H. I would let myself go to that crazy place where I was sure there would be something to find. I would hunt, look and probe whatever I could. My "normal brain" knew I wouldn't find anything, but I allowed myself to let crazy win far too many times.

Finally I had to get to a point where I talked myself out of not trusting. The evidence to trust was there, but I had to trust myself that I was looking at my world honestly. The only thing holding me back was fear.

I knew that ultimately I would be ok and I had to be vunlerable again. I had to give my heart back and know my husband could be trusted.

I think it's as much about learning to trust yourself as much as you have to trust your spouse.

foundoutlater posted 2/20/2014 15:20 PM

IMO trust is a choice you make based on your perception of the evidence. The evidence is what people refer to as earning it. A very trusting person’s perception sees the good evidence and trust is earned easily.

Is their a component of trust that is strictly a choice....a leaping off place?
Or is it, as I once believed, something that is earned over time?

I think both – at some point it is a leap of faith after your perception is that it has been earned. Before the betrayal I think it was easier to take that leap because I did not realize it was a leap of faith. It always was and always will be a leap of faith to trust IMO.

AML04 posted 2/20/2014 15:27 PM

Before the A I trusted blindly, no more. I will have to choose to trust him or not but it will only be after a lot of consistent action by him.

rachelc posted 2/20/2014 15:33 PM

it was not a choice by me - it was something very tangible. I had to see 10,000 instances of him making the right choice and THEN I trusted.
Three things happened in succession about 6 weeks ago where I was thinking something was going on. I was proved wrong EVERY time and they were times when I would have found out.

And him showing his heart to me - that is the biggest way he shows me where he's at. I guess after 27 years I can tell when he's doing that.

Our Mc said to trust when you don't feel like trusting and forgive when you don't feel like forgiving. It doesn't work like that for me. maybe for some.

CantLoseHope posted 2/20/2014 15:36 PM

When they say trust is a choice, IMO I think thats like how you trust someone you meet..... If you think about it did your WS have to "earn" your trust in the beginning are did you just trust them?
I think the "earning" trust part comes from betrayal... when someone betrays your trust they have to earn it back, and eventually you have to make the decision to trust them again or not.....

bionicgal posted 2/20/2014 15:43 PM

My H earned my trust over 7 years and then I married him. (I am slow!)7 years later we had a kid, and 10 years later he cheated. That was a lot of years of trust before he let me down.

I don't know what it will take this time.

blakesteele posted 2/20/2014 15:44 PM

Great replies!!!!

Tired today I guess.....much more simple than I made it out to be.....was overthinking it....thanks for doing my work for me ya'll!


[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:47 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

TICKED OFF posted 2/20/2014 15:57 PM

Hum…..good question. In my case h was such a wonderful, considerate, caring man (or appeared to be) while we were dating that of course I thought I could trust him under any circumstance married or not. I found out the hard way about trusting someone.

Once h was caught with our neighbor/friend I came to realize that trust should never just be part of the bargain in any relationship. Trust needs to be earned over time. In my situation ten years has now passed since h a. Everything has been done as the book states, but unfortunately I have yet to choose the path of trusting him again.

SadInNC posted 2/20/2014 15:58 PM

I didn't even read the other responses yet because I didn't want anything to change my gut reaction to your question.

I am a newbie to DDay, so take this for what it is. Pre DDay, I pretty much trusted everyone unless there was a reason right off the bat, not to. For loved ones, my radar was OFF and I blindly trusted.

After DDay, I am much more cynical and paranoid. This really bothers me. At the moment, we have a homeless girl staying with us (long story) who is in high school and goes to school with my DD. I don't trust her and I HATE feeling like that. It's fallout from the A. I hope I can get back to a place where I trust people again...?

My WH killed my innocence in that regard. To answer your question, I don't think it's a choice or earned over time. For me, trust was an involuntary thing. Maybe now, trust has to be how you have defined it. Maybe it will never be involuntary for me again. I have no answers.

MylarPineapples posted 2/20/2014 15:58 PM

Maybe I overthink it too, but this concept is something I struggle with too.

crazyblindsided posted 2/20/2014 16:07 PM

Yes I do believe it is a choice and right now I can't say that I do trust fWH 100% or for that matter ever again. There will always be a part of me that remembers how he blatantly lied through his teeth.

Simple posted 2/20/2014 16:18 PM

I'm not quite sure you can consider it a choice completely.

As adults, that's something we can determine ourselves, Trust can become more like Faith and the 2 should probably be considered differently though they are a lot alike.

My thoughts when you said trust as a choice, went to my daughter as a baby. My husband ended up very sick and the doctor says for him to go to the hospital or for the baby for her safety to go to grandma. Due to costs, convenience, etc. My husband stayed home and my baby of 3 months old went to grandma.

Lo and behold, my quiet, accommodating baby, started being a prick and a screamer and would not have ANYONE hold her, feed her, etc. It took grandma and the rest of the family who is taking care of her 2-3 DAYS before she'd finally started accepting and trusting them. Even then, she was suspicious. She was finally mollified when she saw me and my husband walk through the door and started kicking her arms and legs and her eyes lit up.

My in-law (grandma) finally told me all that happened and said that she had to earn my baby daughter's trust because the baby KNEW that it wasn't her parents who were taking care of her...

Babies are instinctual beings. They aren't necessarily have the capacity for choices.
Food for thought.

[This message edited by Simple at 4:19 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

SoVerySadNow posted 2/20/2014 16:24 PM

WH and I have had this discussion a lot lately.
Sorry, but it's all mixed in with betrayal for me.

WH keeps telling me it's a choice, as are many things I'm struggling with. I agree, and I take the issue of trust back to a choice- but to the choice he made. Then we go 'round again.
Choosing to protect one's heart and health with vigilance and verification (trust yet verify) may be a choice, but in my case a necessary one.
I also choose not to ram my car into a wall or put my hand on a hot stove again. Easy.

Cantlosehope makes some good points, though. I am likely to give a stranger the benefit of the doubt, but someone who has established themselves as a betrayer needs to work long and hard to gain my trust again- if ever.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 5:07 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Arnold01 posted 2/20/2014 16:24 PM

One more thought to add....

For me, the choice to trust was as much about myself as it was about my husband. Yes, he had to show me through actions that he was worthy of trust, but I probably made the choice (or leap of faith) earlier that some others did.

My choice to trust was largely a choice to stay true to myself. I've always been a trusting person with a big heart, and I felt that if I changed as a result of the A, then I would be sacrificing one of the best parts of myself. I think I'm worth being authentic and true to my own values, so choosing to trust (even though I knew I was taking the risk of being hurt again) was as much about retaining my own sense of self as it was about him.

Hope you find the insights you're looking for.

Truly posted 2/20/2014 16:41 PM

I realise now that I chose not to trust anyone anymore, 4 years ago.

Perhaps I should re-think that; trust based on actions seen...
Distrusting the whole world doesn't come naturally to me I have always been gregarious and open, sadly not anymore and I kinda miss myself

deena04 posted 2/20/2014 16:43 PM

Trust is not a choice for me that I have noticed. I either do or don't. It's more like a gut reaction for me. I do not trust my spouse now, but did completely from the get-go with him until he broke it.

sisoon posted 2/20/2014 16:59 PM

Always a choice. Maybe not a conscious one, though.

TICKED OFF posted 2/20/2014 17:13 PM

If trusting is a choice as in what "SoVerySad's" h believes…..then isn't being untrustwothy also a choice that is made?" If this is the case then this alone would confirm that affairs are not just something that happened or took place (as so many WS's attest to including my own h) but rather an event that took place because the WS MADE THE CHOICE to be "untrustworthy" ??????????

Truly posted 2/20/2014 17:21 PM


All actions are choices...totally sucks the big one!

Kia kaha to all x

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