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BH's new work schedule :(

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Alyssamd24 posted 2/20/2014 15:37 PM

BH recently started working as a Correction Officer at a men's prison. Since he is new, he is less likely to get the shifts he wants. Up until now he has been working 7-3, but starting in March he is going to be working Wed-Sun from 3p-11pm. So we will only have him home for dinner twice a week, and it will be just me and the little one the rest of the time.

BH is upset about it and doesn't want to do it but doesn't have a choice..he feels badly that he won't be here with us throughout the week.

I am sad about it and will miss him, I have loved having him home while he has been and I am afraid it's going to be hard on all of us once he starts his new schedule.

My biggest fear though is I know he is going to be triggered by this;he is going to worry what I am going to be doing while he is at work, and is going to be afraid I will slip back into my W ways.

How can I reassure him this isn't the case? I don't want him to worry every night that he is at work. And how are we still going to make time for us and our family?

I am trying to remain optimistic and reassuring for him right now, but am so sad that he won't be home.
.I can only hope his schedule will change again soon.

floridaredman posted 2/20/2014 16:01 PM

Sorry for what you and your BH are going through.

How about sending him pics of you and the kids throughout his shift if possible.

Alyssamd24 posted 2/20/2014 16:16 PM

Thanks Florida!! That's a good idea but BH is not allowed to bring his cellphone into work with him...he keeps it off and in his car.

Prayingforhope posted 2/20/2014 16:42 PM

Maybe pack his lunch for him and slip a daily letter or a little thought in it for him? He'll read it halfway through his shift and always know you are thinking of him. No technology required and probably a lot more sentimental.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 2/20/2014 16:58 PM

Working opposite schedules is really difficult. It makes connecting as a family and as a couple challenging to say the least. I know you recently started a new job yourself. Is your schedule set? Or can you come in a couple hours later than you do now?

If you can find a way to get in a little later, how about making the first meal of the day your "family dinner time"? That way you still have a sit down meal and then begin your day together as a family. Take the time you would normally have in the evening and try to work that into your morning routine. Once you get enough vacation time, start taking a day off together, just the two of you to reconnect.

As far as reassuring him? Can you meet him on his lunch break occasionally? Fill him in each night or morning on the events of the day. Tell him how much you miss him. Don't make unilateral decisions about important things, especially regarding the wee one. If you fall asleep before he gets home, leave him notes so that he feels like he is in the loop. Take pictures of funny (or even not so funny) things that your daughter does. And make time, no matter how tired you may be to give him affection and intimacy.

It won't be easy. You will need to work even harder to stay connected. I've BTDT and I know it sucks! Hang in there.

Brandon808 posted 2/20/2014 17:33 PM

I would recommend sending the pics regardless. They will be in his phone and waiting for him right when he gets off work. It will be reassuring to him and be something he can look forward to and relax him before his ride home. Just a thought.

painfulpast posted 2/20/2014 17:53 PM

I like the idea of notes in his lunch. Also, if the computer is in the living room, perhaps changing the screensaver to a pic of the two of you. Tell him that you'll be thinking of him the times he's at work. Then weekly, maybe take a new photo for the screen saver.

It might sound corny, but knowing you want his smiling face there with yours, for you and the little one to see, might make him feel better - as if a piece of him is there with you.

TheClimb posted 2/20/2014 18:12 PM

My husband travels for work. For the first four years of our daughter's life he was gone four days and home three. When she was five, he traveled to Alaska and would be gone three weeks and home a week. For us, this is the norm.

Since his affair happened at home with a woman who knows me and our child, his going away for business put me at peace. If he was in St. Louis, he wasn't spending time with her. I know, weird!

In the last few years, his schedule has been mostly on the east coast so now he might fly out during the day but will be home for dinner almost every night. Somehow, this all works out for us. You adjust, he adjusts and your daughter will as well. Have those family dinners on the nights that he is home. When he's working, maybe have a picnic in the living room with your daughter, or breakfast for dinner. Something fun that you two do when Daddy is away!

As to your husband's worries; I think you have been given some really good ideas. Each time, he will become more and more comfortable. The out of town visits were actually harder on my husband as he was pretty worried for the first year that I would leave while he was away. He would have one of his friends drop by to ask me some stupid question, but really just to make sure I was still home.

You are not the same person you were during the affair. If you are having a bad day, you can always post here and we can talk you through it. Change is always hard, but I think you will be surprised at how well you will all adapt to this new schedule.

[This message edited by TheClimb at 6:13 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Simple posted 2/20/2014 18:14 PM

No stop sign. I just want to make a suggestion.

If he gets "dinner break" is it possible for you to go and see him with your kid with a picnic dinner? Not every night but every now and then maybe to help him feel you're there for him.

NotDefeatedYet posted 2/20/2014 21:43 PM

It's tough. I work as a police officer with those weird hours, and I can't say you get the warm and fuzzies when you leave for work after all this. Even if he can't get messages at work, I'd suggest still sending them letting him know what you're doing and where you are. He'll get the messages, just not immediately. Make the most of those days off though.

hatefulnow posted 2/21/2014 01:20 AM

At my prison, the officers are not allowed to leave during their shift. No outside food is allowed in and, of course, no cell phones. You could still send messages though. When he gets off shift he can retrieve them. Prison is a depressing place. After a hard shift he could probably use a pick me up.

Alyssamd24 posted 2/21/2014 07:20 AM

I do like the ideas you have given me....I also talked to him about it last night and asked what he would like me to do...he liked the idea of sending messages and photos during the day for him to get when he leaves work. He also mentioned just leaving little notes for him to read when he gets home.

I am going to talk to my supervisor about maybe changing my hours as well....I can basically make my own schedule as long as I work 37.5 hours each week....right now I work 8-3:30 m-f but am going to see what changes i can make. ...even if its going in later some least we will have that extra family time in the morning.

We also have to think of DD's schedule. Right now she goes to preschool 4 days a week but will be starting kindergarten in September. ..we are going to cut her hours at preschool so she can get some extra time w daddy.

Joanh posted 2/21/2014 08:37 AM


I totally understand this situation, I live, with the extra factor , my BH is gone for days sometimes a couple weeks at a time.

On your phone us the location and the time stamp for your pics messages etc. Cause really pics can be taken anytime. I just did this when we got our new phone. It helps.

When my BH is home, its about him and I . He says hi to the kids spends an hour with them usually and we all cuddle. Then they are either off to school or off to bed. Its just the way the days go. Then its us. We spend a lot of one on one. Then , when the kids are up or home we do strictly family. It gets a little hard to fit friends in, but we do , Its usually as a family.

CAn he have a family picture , can he wear a ring or watch at work, maybe a little engraving on it , would help he can touch it when he's thinking.

Mine has a key I gave him and pics in his truck and on his computer.

Just the fact you are aware it going to be hard, probably helps your spouse know you are thinking too. Its been a year now that my BH has gone back to work and it is still hard on him. It was before now its amplified a million times. I call him even as he drives to work. he has a 4.5 hour drive.

I know it will be hard to start, but it will get better once he gets his hours in, and like you said maybe you can change your schedule some.

Best wishes

Kelany posted 2/21/2014 12:36 PM

Hey sweets. If you may remember, my husband also works in a jail. He works either 3am-11am or 2am-10am. Which means when he's home, he sleeps.

I don't like the hours at all. It's hard. We don't always get a chance to connect at all. I think this may have contributed to why I ended up in the psych hospital last month. Not his fault, but I just floundered.

We just try to connect when he is home and make the most of it. Quality over quantity. Reassurance. Let him know your thinking of him. Transparency. Honesty.

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