Now that I've moved my stuff out of his apartment I am feeling pretty at peace. But I have also still been in contact with him about once a week or so on gchat, discussing what happened. It's usually in reaction to his sending some bullshit email about how I have done x y or z in spite, post break-up. I could ignore these, but I always engage and he always apologizes and usually tells me he misses me. They are not conversations about getting back together, and he doesn't hoover, though right now we both seem to have a faint hope that he can straighten out his issues in IC enough to be the partner I needed.
If he shapes up or not is roughly all the same to me--it's out of my control, and I am confident about the future I'm going to make for myself on my own. But I admit I like to hear that I am not the only one struggling. I don't reciprocate when he says he misses me either, and am generally firm rather than emotional.
I know SI wisdom is all crickets and NC. And I don't reach out unless I want to clear up the record. I guess I'm just wondering...are there other couples that split up but then have an ongoing dialogue breaking down what happened and processing it together? It feels healthy to me but I am pretty stubborn once I decide to see my choices in a certain light, so who knows. Sometimes I'm tempted to go all scorched earth but it feels good, in the end, not to give in to that and to be as reasonable as I can be. I know I'm giving him a big benefit of the doubt by engaging at all, but when I think about his brokenness it makes sense to me that he both has regret and will also lash out, he had a very split personality in the relationship and just managed to hide the angry resentful side.
It feels like an ongoing post-mortem. Not sure if this is common or no?
"...hope that he can straighten out his issues in IC enough to be the partner I needed."
Makes me think you're right about the post-mortem.
BTW, I think you are not that person anymore either. Most of your posts are filled with great wisdom and strength, hard won no doubt.
SI is better because you are active here.
Peace is pretty!
But I have also still been in contact with him about once a week or so on gchat, discussing what happened. It's usually in reaction to his sending some bullshit email about how I have done x y or z in spite, post break-up. I could ignore these, but I always engage and he always apologizes and usually tells me he misses me. They are not conversations about getting back together, and he doesn't hoover, though right now we both seem to have a faint hope that he can straighten out his issues in IC enough to be the partner I needed.
You didn't break up. You separated.
You still have a relationship. More contact than a lot of people who are in online dating.
He knows how to get a reaction from you, and he does. Isn't that Hoovering? You're feeding his ego by allowing him that control; he's getting the satisfaction of calling the tune and watching you dance.
That last sentence tells me you want to R. The second sentence tells me he's still being disrespectful, arrogant, and manipulative.
Someday, he may "straighten out his issues in IC enough to be the partner I needed."
Today is not that day. And as long as he gets his ego kibbles, I suspect tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
I tried this route too. Stuck in the idea that talking things out would be in some way helpful. It did provide some additional data with which to process the relationship. However, it was false comfort. It wasn't until I went full NC that I could truly start healing. Keeping myself enmeshed with him meant I couldn't see the flaming obvious that he was blame shifting in such an insidiously subtle manner. At the end of the day it left me feeling more violated as I was being honest and vulnerable and he was absolving himself.
Stop talking to him now. Give it a set period of time if you need to where you dont speak with him. I think you will be amazed at the revelations that will come your way. All you are doing now is prolonging and delaying completely ending the relationship. You are doing yourself a grave disservice.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
You think I'm joking? My late father who cheated on my mother, told me YEARS AND YEARS about 16 years after they divorced that he was mad that my mother didn't tell him about her getting married again 15 years after they D. That he'd always thought SHE WOULD WAIT FOR HIM (btw he has re-married about 5 years after D). My mother kept contact, not just for kids but for her to be his friend talking about his problems and hers both. Each thinking what a HEALTHY relationship they have. FUCK!!!
Just giving you a different perspective.
[This message edited by Simple at 5:07 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
are there other couples that split up but then have an ongoing dialogue breaking down what happened and processing it together? It feels healthy to me
I can remember reading some on here who have done that - but they regretted it. What happened was, they eventually got sucked back in even though they were determined not to, and ended up more miserable than ever.
NC causes you to focus entirely on you and your life. Without him in it. That is the best, fastest, easiest, most efficient route to a new and happy life.
You didn't break up. You separated.
You still have a relationship.
You still have a relationship.
I have to agree.
When I left my ex the first time, we were still in contact. I hadn't found SI yet. We got back together and I went through a hell that can never be described!
The last time we separated about 3 years ago, we went NC completely. Well, he tried and tried to contact, but all he got was crickets and blocked. I have been so happy. My focus from Day One was not on him. It was on me and my new life. And it was such a good place to be! Still is.
You can do it!
Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.
Thats advice for both you and your WBF.
Stop talking to him now. Give it a set period of time if you need to where you don't speak with him. I think you will be amazed at the revelations that will come your way.
The brief talks my STBXW and I had in the first few weeks after D-Day did nothing but (a) make her feel better about her decisions by (b) giving me false hope for R. When that hope was ripped away, it was excruciating. I'd hate to see you on that same path. NC has given me time to process this, what she did, who she is, and I miss her less and less everyday for these revelations.
"A unicorn isn't a unicorn. It's a donkey with a plunger stuck to it's face."
I guess I'm just wondering...are there other couples that split up but then have an ongoing dialogue breaking down what happened and processing it together? It feels healthy to me
I did that, and I don't think it was healthy for either me or wbf. I ended the relationship a month ago, and kept in contact until this past Sunday. He would usually say something stupid that would provoke me, I would respond trying to make him "get it" and then he would apologize and promise to change. I don't think it was healthy for me because it kept me in a state of anxiety where I was focusing on what he was saying. I don't think it was healthy for him because he was trying to get my attention instead of focusing on healing himself. I also think that me responding to him gave him false hope. I've been NC for 4 days now, and I think in the long run it will be better for both of us.
I agree with the others that you haven't ended the relationship as long as you are continuing to talk to him about relationship issues. My personal "test" for this type of situation is ... would you feel like you were cheating on him if you dated someone else? A week ago, I would have said yes even though we were technically broken up. Now, it wouldn't feel like cheating because I clearly told him to move on and I'm doing NC. I'm still not dating because I don't want to. But ask yourself that question, even if you have zero intent to date anyone else. Would you feel like you were cheating or doing something wrong if you did?
I honestly am not sure I am able yet to drop that. Or I guess to let go of this tiny but tenacious hope that in a year, two years, he will have fixed his issues. I think I will let go of it as I keep going forward but I know it will slow down that progress too.
So I'm not strong enough to use the 2x4s to build a barrier yet. But I will be thinking about them and hopefully it will sink in at least a little or make me more mindful. At least I can be aware I'm on thin ice and not out of the woods yet (to mix metaphors). I wish it were easier for me to take good advice to heart right away instead of feeling so intractable
I wish it were easier for me to take good advice to heart right away instead of feeling so intractable
All of this takes time, and we all go at our own pace. You have to find what works for you, and on what schedule.
We're just trying to show you what has worked for us, and trying to tell you things you may have been missing.
thyme2go and bufffalo were on my case for months before I listened to them. Keep posting and listening, and you'll find your way.