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mof2 posted 2/20/2014 17:58 PM

I've started dating again. It scares me because I view anything a guy can say will make me feel like I'm being rejected and I run to the hills. How do you get past that? I read into everything and look at anything said as rejection.

Tripletrouble posted 2/20/2014 18:06 PM

I've had the same problem!!!

HurtsButImOK posted 2/20/2014 18:13 PM

If your happiness or otherwise is determined by another it might be too soon to date.

Nothing wrong with dipping a toe in the dating pool but keep working on self sufficiency.

mof2 posted 2/20/2014 18:46 PM

If your happiness or otherwise is determined by another it might be too soon to date.

Honestly, I don't base my happiness on having a man...just really ready to date. I think I'm scared of rejection because of how it all happened and so quickly. I got a Valentine's card that said "I love you baby...ALWAYS!!!" and then was asked for a divorce 12 hours later. I think I'm just afraid that when someone says something nice to me....they won't mean it.

fireproof posted 2/20/2014 18:50 PM

I think that is the point with being happy with yourself.

I was always the positive one but I even after years of being with my ex dating honestly gave him the ability to effect me in that way.

Especially in dating moderation and time. Then you can see the actions match the words both in romantic relationships and non romantic relationships.

Even if they lie you didn't cross your boundaries until you were sure and if they happen to be like our exes then we are strong enough to handle it.

Sad in AZ posted 2/20/2014 18:53 PM

If you're scared of rejection, you are not ready to date.

You may WANT to date. You may feel that it will help you get your mojo back. But it won't.

I apologize because I don't know your story, but are you even divorced yet? Your tagline mentions a WH, not an WXH. Conventional wisdom indicates that it takes one month for every year that you were married to get on with your life without regrets you can take or leave this information, but most of the long-time members here will attest to it's validity.

mof2 posted 2/20/2014 18:56 PM

Yes, my divorce was final in October.

HurtsButImOK posted 2/20/2014 18:56 PM

I haven't started dating as yet. I know I am not ready. So keep that in mind with regards to any comments I might make.

I like to think that when I do I will be confident enough that I will include someone who adds to my life. If they subtract from it out they go and, because I will control my happiness, the rejection won't cut as deep.

I have yet to put this in practice though. I imagine the first dating experience will be the hardest.

Tripletrouble posted 2/20/2014 19:37 PM

I actually had the same problem when I was young and baggage free. I think it's just how I'm wired. Fwiw, I'm working on it with my therapist

Amazonia posted 2/20/2014 21:37 PM

Can you articulate why rejection freaks you out so much? I mean, if you are ready to date, that kind of goes hand in hand with being ready to deal with dating, including rejection. None of us get to just wake up one morning in a perfect and fully formed relationship.

Articulating where your fears come from is the first step to dealing with them head on.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 12:58 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

persevere posted 2/20/2014 23:34 PM

None of us get to just wake up one morning in a perfect and fully formed relationship.

Oh Ama, you've just ruined the It would be so much easier that way!

mof2 posted 2/21/2014 07:49 AM

I think it is because how quickly my ex left. He treated me like a queen up until the day he asked for a divorce. He completely blindsided me. All of our friends and family were shocked. I had friends and family questioning their own marriages because they thought ours was solid (so did I). I guess I'm afraid to trust. I don't know...maybe I am not ready.

phmh posted 2/21/2014 18:39 PM

Not to pile on, but you are not ready. Your D-Day is only about a year ago. It takes time to recover from trauma.

Focus on you. Have you read "Getting Past Your Breakup" or "Journey From Abandonment to Healing"?

When you are healed and ready to date, you bounce back from rejection -- especially early on -- because you have a solid sense of who you are and that you're going to be OK on your own.

What have you done to find out who you are and to craft a wonderful life for yourself? Have you picked up (or returned to) any hobbies? Exercise Art? Music? Volunteering?

It's tough because what we know is being in a relationship, so that's what we want to go and find again. But if you do that, before you heal, you have a high probability of finding yourself in a relationship that's as bad as or worse than the one that brought you here.

Amazonia posted 2/21/2014 19:39 PM

Yeah, if I met someone while dating and they projected their ex's behavior or baggage onto me, or expected me to atone for their ex's bad behavior, I'd run for the hills. Think carefully about what kind of person would be okay with accepting you before you're ready to trust in a normal healthy way, and whether that's really the kind of person you want to date.

better4me posted 2/22/2014 10:59 AM

My XWH infidelity came completely out of the blue like your's and it did take me a long time to figure out when and whom and if to trust.

Rejection is different than that though. Love yourself hard and the rejection isn't as difficult to take. And this may sound scary, but the more rejection I've received the less hard it is to take. The first 3 or 4 (dozen-ha) times someone I liked didn't like me back devastated, I hurt for a little while, learn from it and then bounce back in a day or so. I'm stronger and better and smarter because of the rejections, even though they hurt like hell at the time...

Love yourself through this....

caregiver9000 posted 2/22/2014 12:49 PM

For me, rejecting a dating partner was the harder thing to do. I figure this is co-dependent stuff.

It was easy enough to avoid having to reject someone if I never got involved. But with the first involvement/relationship, there came the time when I knew I was ready to move on. I struggled with how to tell him!! This more than anything made me feel like I wasn't ready, but by then it was too late?!!

I did it. I survived a break up. I survived hurting someone's feelings. (He did too, and we are still friendly.) I found that my boundaries/needs/wants/life were worth saying out loud!

Before I dated again, I made sure that I was going to be able to break up with someone without so much struggle. (It took me about 6 weeks to do it the first time. That guy was a really good guy as he saw it coming and let me get there without guilt or breaking up with me first.)

I am pretty sure I ended up married at least in part because I was conflict avoidant and didn't like to hurt people's feelings. I devalued myself in order to "go with the flow" and take the easy route. I won't do that again!!

My point was, if you put rejection aside, can YOU do the rejection? Because it will likely be one or the other.

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