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It never ends, he never ended the A

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Breezy150 posted 2/20/2014 18:50 PM

I am heartbroken and shattered again. After DDay there was something my WH had to be to and we knew OW and her H would be there. I put my foot down and told him he could not go without me, so I went. It was actually a wonderful trip full of promises and hope. At one point the H of the OW wanted to talk to me to kind of compare notes and make sure we had full disclosure, we were outside with a full view of the venue inside. Somehow they snuck out together and went to her room for you know what.

He has not truly shown any real remorse until two days ago and he decided to write an NC by himself that we were suppose to do tonight, he also said he would give me a full timeline tonight, but after I heard about them getting off the elevator together from the OW's H today I called and confronted him, he lied through his teeth, the OW admitted everything.

I am crushed more right now than on DDay, don't know what to do. He told me this morning that they were still in contact and that's why he wanted to do the NC. He has come clean about so much, but lied to my face about that.

I knew when I told him that I was to have full disclosure tonight that there was going to be something big, but now I have no way of knowing if he would have told me if he wasn't caught.

Any advice! Please help! I am shattered.

mj052 posted 2/20/2014 19:00 PM

I'm so very sorry!!:( I have been in your shoes! My wh lied to me all along about contact and pretty much everything else!! He wants contact so therefore he doesn't deserve me or his two boys!!

You deserve so much better!! And believe me I know how much it hurts- but you have to stand up for yourself and kick his sorry ass out- or like me work on getting your ducks in a row for the ultimate blindside!!

Either way- remain strong- tell him to pack his things and you hope that him and the ow will be very happy together b/c you no longer want him- he's damaged goods!

Once lying becomes acceptable behavior- it never ends!!

Rebreather posted 2/20/2014 19:01 PM

Tell him he is going to write the NC letter, and a complete timeline to be delivered to you within 24 hours.

And then he is going to take a polygraph.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. The second dday is brutal. But the gloves are off. He needs to step up, RIGHT NOW, or I suggest a strong 180 or immediately consider filing for divorce. He needs shock and awe to wake him up. They don't all wake up; but this is your best chance.

His reactions to the demands above will give you an idea of what you are dealing with.

Breezy150 posted 2/20/2014 19:06 PM

Thank you, for your replies, I would have to set him up for a blindside because I don't have a job, I have spent my life supporting whatever he wanted, which included doing the books for his company for free. Jobs are hard to come by around here and I have to be careful about jobs that require standing as I have two bad knees, lots of surgeries with no relief.

I feel trapped. Time to see a lawyer and start stashing money as fast as I can.

Still shattered.

jb3199 posted 2/20/2014 19:08 PM

What Rebreather said. The gloves are off.

Are you prepared to mete out serious consequences? If not, that is what you need to focus on. If you are ready, then there is no reason to wait.

Consequence does not equal punishment. Let's hope that your WH understands this.

blakesteele posted 2/20/2014 19:10 PM


Second DD's suck. So very sorry. What bold action by both your WS and his OW. Really wish I could have added the "f" in front of both of them, but it is clear they are not ready to do that.

I had a second DD too. If my wife had ended her A after my first DD...her affair would have been "infidelity" as it was an EA. It was only after that first one that she aggressively sought ot have sex with him....taking her A to PA and full on adultery.

DDay there was something my WH had to be to and we knew OW and her H would be there.

Challenge EVERYTHING!!!!

Do you have to go to events? Stay in your home? your town? His job? etc...

Don't assume anything is as it has to be.

Peace be with you. You can do often...we have your back.

Breezy150 posted 2/20/2014 19:21 PM

I have never felt so weak or trapped. The thing is if he would have just told the truth when I asked him today, I would still feel like we could R, now I have no idea.

doggiediva posted 2/20/2014 19:47 PM

I know your feeling of being trapped..

One of the major things that made me retire from my job when I did was right leg weakness from severe arthritis of the back....Nerve compression...

If I stood for too long a period of time, I would go down..I also can't drive for extra long periods of time for the same reason...

I was lucky to be able to be paid full retirement because of my years of service...

But I am the flip side of the coin from you..It is my WH who didn't work anywhere long enough to accumulate benefits or pension.. He was often unemployed throughout our marriage..So I have been the main breadwinner, often the sole provider..WH didn't really do any thing special to contribute to the success of our household/finances/marriage like you did for your WH throughout the years...

I feel trapped like you, because for the moment anyway, WH is for all purposes is considered financially dependent on me..

Your WH is gonna have to know what limbo feels like...He doesn't deserve you as a wife to do for him anymore..

Focus on yourself to slowly work yourself out of feeling trapped..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:51 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Breezy150 posted 2/20/2014 20:06 PM

Thank you, that has calmed me down a bit, WH is now downstairs writing the NC and timeline but I am not sure it matters anymore as he lied to me today already.

Now to put on a somewhat happy face as my wonderful son and daughter in law are coming over to visit, they must be out if food. Hahaha.

brkn_heartd posted 2/20/2014 20:14 PM

We had a second Dday and was still able to R. It is not an easy road to say the least. It really depends on his future actions, and your heart. If your heart is done, it is done and no one will blame you. I did find my heart can feel again. However, it has taken a long time. My FWH lied through his teeth on numerous times. It has taken years for me to trust him again, but I am learning to do that. It is up to you how to proceed, just wanted to tell you that!

Take care of yourself.

Breezy150 posted 2/20/2014 20:42 PM

Thank you so much for that, I thought I was crazy to even consider seeing what happens from here. I think it would take an act of God to talk his way out of this, but then he didn't start to show remorse until yesterday.

joannie posted 2/21/2014 09:41 AM

SO sorry to hear this, am feeling for you and thinking of you, hugs from France, if you want to stay together as much as i do..hang on in, if you imagine life alone don't. I still hang on in, 34 years of marriage i hope we get to 64. This OW will have to face me now if anything at all continues.
What did I say..too much of a chicken and too scared, don't feel like your drowning, If i won the fight of my life to get him back, anyone can, it was horrible and the way I was treated by them both was sickening I am still fighting to make him stop any talking...BUT I will win, I am here for you with everyone else.If you want to start a fresh life in your heart you have to split up but if like me you have a glimmer of hope hang on in there, not many will say that.

tushnurse posted 2/21/2014 10:02 AM

Wow Breezy, that is crazy.

I think at this point with his newly changed attitude you really are going to have to watch actions over words. I suspect he knew you were gonna find out about them sneaking off and that triggered his whole out of the fog thing.

I would strongly urge you to be very firm from this point forward, he has to know that you absolutely have consequences, and are prepared to follow through.

Demand the NC letter, and complete timeline within a short period of time, like 24 hours. I would still implement the 180 as much as possible until you see consistent changes on his part. He should be doing anything and everything he can to help you if he isn't then he doesn't get it.

See a lawyer, and get STD tested too. Let him know just how serious you are.

norabird posted 2/21/2014 10:55 AM

Whatever happens: you are not weak. You are not trapped. You DO have options. Some may seem hard or impossible, but you can take them. Have faith in yourself.

kalimata posted 2/21/2014 11:03 AM


A few questions for you

1) It appears you have exposed to OW's H. However who else have you exposed to? You need to get this secret out in the open to EVERYBODY. All your friends that you share. His parents. Your parents. Make him feel the shame when everyone stares at him. Same for OW. Ask OWH to help with exposure.
2) Have you seen a lawyer yet? If so draft up some D papers and have them served to your WH. You can always cancel the D later if he appears truly remorseful, but this may be the only thing that snaps him from this fog.
3) Get a keylogger, spyware for his phone and a VAR to keep tabs on him. He will likely stray again, and if so you need to know.

Sitting around just steaming at him each time he does this only gives him more power to disrespect you. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!

NeverAgain2013 posted 2/21/2014 11:11 AM

Oh boy, so THAT'S how he repays your forgiveness - by sneaking off while you're on vacation together so he can have sex with his OW?

I think you're right about seeing an attorney.

Do it yesterday.

Breezy150 posted 2/21/2014 11:27 AM

He gave me a timeline last night that pretty much matches the OWs. The only difference between the two is one that he swears happened a year ago but she is still denying to her H, so I told him she was lying. He wrote the NC and had it approved by me and left it with me to mail.

This all still just makes me sick. I don't know who he is, and when he really broke down last night he said he doesn't even know who he is. I am taking everything with a grain of salt. We went through his phone and I found a place that blocked numbers that leave voicemails go, he didn't even know it was there. There were two voicemails in there from her, last Tuesday and valentines day. Those were a treat to listen to, but does mean that her number has been blocked since before valentines day.

Things he wrote in the NC give me some hope for us, so I am sticking around for awhile, but also spending that time setting up a nest egg and seeing a lawyer and documenting assets.

I was tested for STDs full panel $600.

I don't know what a key logger is or how to use one. I am not very technical.

Her husband has decided on divorce so here is the kicker, she is screaming that she doesn't care what letter she might get, or anything else, she will never stop until they are together. She knows they are soul mates and that she knows him so much better than I do. (Wife of 24 years) she claims that anything thrown in their way means nothing because they are deeply in love.

Right after DDay I saw something on my H face that said to me he does care about OW, now I see disgust on his face and shame when she is brought up.

Very cautiously moving forward, check and recheck everything. I can only put in a small effort now until I see more from him and if I don't I will have had the time to protect myself.

Breezy150 posted 2/21/2014 11:31 AM

I have exposed him to all mutual friends, my family, his family, even our kids know. They are all adults. I wish I could expose her more, and I could as we all play darts, but I refuse to go to her town just yet, no reason to have her and my WH together in the same room again.

lastdance posted 2/21/2014 14:13 PM

how can he do that to you----go with her while you are there-----her husband is doing the correct thing by divorcing her----why are you not----do you think a piece of paper with ink in it will stop them----he had no problem cheating while you were on the same hotel together----they will always find a way-----you need to ask yourself what is it about him that you love,a man that can cheat like that,can lie to you while looking you straight in the eyes,----how can you belive anything he says----I lived through a marriage full of lies on his part----I took him back because of love but he never stopped lying---13 years after many d-days,i left the lier---I decided to finally respect myself and decided to not allow him to dictate how I lived---no more lies---what I discovered was that I did not respect myself----please be careful I do not think you want a man you cannot trust---wow to have an affair with your best friend---that is low girl---see a lawyer-----the ow will be back ---he wants to be with her if he did that to you right in your face----he is not afraid of consequences especially when he knows you will forgive him and accept his bad behavior---he will break your heart again----he still does not know what it would feel like to loose you----check those bank accounts

Breezy150 posted 2/21/2014 15:07 PM

I just haven't decided anything yet, I am meeting with a lawyer in the next couple of weeks, but I also have to be smart. right now I have no money, no place to go. I can wait it out for a little while set myself up if I need it, and give him a chance. The timeline he gave me matches hers pretty close. He actually admitted to a little more than she did. We do not live in the same town she is very easy to avoid. You can bet your bottom dollar that I will never turn my eyes away again.

Gives him the chance to work his butt off to fix this and if he doesn't I will be set up financially and with information from the lawyer.

Her H is saying divorce but when I talk to him I can tell he wants her to run after him and he will go back. This is not her first A. She has it down to a science.

I cannot just turn my back on a 24 year marriage without trying. He has never even looked the other way before and we both suffer from PTSD after a tragic event on Christmas 2011 (not an excuse to cheat)but a reason to give him the chance to fix things.

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