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kansas1968 posted 2/20/2014 19:16 PM

Guys and gals,
Not too long ago someone posted a "why" for affairs. I shared it with my FWH per in the email exchange below. I wanted to share his response. It is probably one of the most honest answers I have gotten from him in three years. Maybe it will help someone else start a conversation or at least give a reason. K1968

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To Mr. Kansas,

The question is always "Why??" Why do people have affairs. Does the following
reasoning make sense to you? Do you think we could talk about this without a blow-up?
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The SI post:

"You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner."
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His response:

"I don't want to ignore you. I also don't want to respond - but I will. The message describes much. I've told you about my state of mind immediately following and for awhile after the surgery. The situation evolved over time and even though you think the "affair" lasted too long there was an ever changing metamorphosis that probably continues through this day. I was not analyzing on a daily basis but in retrospect I struggled with dealing with the finality of death, and somehow got it mixed up with relationships with others and what did it mean if anything. I was still "lost" during the affair. Always attempting to find and enjoy whatever I could before the end. The search was not me - the alcohol helped me be someone I was not. It brought me into contact with people I hardly know today. I feel better about myself today but still have a way to go. I'm not certain exactly how each day fits with the next but I generally feel better about each one.

In a sense I believe you have something to do with the improvement. I know I have hurt you badly and damaged the bond that made us a whole functioning unit. It hurts me when we fight because I know it hurts you. It hurts me when I must be made to remember what a shit I was ( to myself and others) when I must again engage the fear,anger, desolation, and emptiness of a period that now makes no sense to me.

I will not ignore you on this one. I will go back as often as you want. I will do whatever is needed."

SisterMilkshake posted 2/20/2014 19:28 PM

I will go back as often as you want. I will do whatever is needed."

Lucky2HaveMe posted 2/20/2014 19:38 PM

This reminds me of a quote from Criminal Minds last night - I wrote it down immediately so I wouldn't forget it:

Each relationship nurtures a strength or a weakness within you - Mike Murdock

I was awestruck when I heard this.

SisterMilkshake posted 2/20/2014 22:35 PM

I started a thread on that quote, Lucky, as I watched Criminal Minds, also. That quote has me thinking.

kansas1968 posted 2/20/2014 23:18 PM

Thanks for the thread sistermilkshake. It definately started me thinking and it helped in our healing.

Gotmegood posted 2/20/2014 23:35 PM

You are fortunate that your WH put that effort forward for you, while admitting he really didn't want to. And promises to go back over it as often as you need it. That's huge.
Side note: I sent that very quote to my WH in an e-mail as well. Can't remember the exact response, but it didn't hold a candle to what Mr Kansas wrote to you.