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Newest Member: chachapoppyseed (45751)

User Topic: You need a thick skin for Old. :(
ruinedandbroken
♀ 29250
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every person I have contacted on Match, either by wink or email has not responded. Every single one of them. The only contacts I'm getting are creepy old dudes, people I have nothing in common with, or people that live far away. Well, apparently Match.com has a search tool where you can do a reverse match to see what kind of guys feel that I would be a good match for them (instead of the other way around.) That explains it! 99% of them are creepy old dudes and the other 1% I am not attracted to.

This is really starting to make me feel crappy about myself and feel hopeless that I will ever love again. I try to brush it off and not care but it really wakes up all of my insecurities all over again. :(

Maybe my destiny is to be Alice from The Brady Bunch now. I'm not sure this is worth it anymore. I don't understand how anyone finds anyone on OLD. I am so completely frustrated with it.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well even Alice found Sam the butcher!

Seriously though, OLD can be hit or miss a la "you have to kiss a lot of frogs". It's also possible that a different OLD service in your area would work better for you or you could tweak your profile.

But no one our age is flooded with emails or gets responses to every one they send. You just have to remain open and hopeful so that that's the way your profile and emails to these guys read.

(((ruinedandbroken)))


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
ruinedandbroken
♀ 29250
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well even Alice found Sam the butcher!


Lol. I forgot about Sam the butcher! haha


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is definitely feast or famine. I've been on Match for a long time, and just popped onto OKC out of boredom...and will be going on a third date this weekend from OKC.

I also think this is a bad time of year, just after the holidays and valentines. I've always heard this time of year is "bad" and it picks up in the Spring.

I think in on/off dating from OLD from the last 2 years, this is only the 3 guy I've agreed to see for a 3rd date. I believe it IS a numbers game.

Take a break for a week or two, clear your head, then go back on. Don't invest too much into thinking the guys will reply. Just a quick note saying "hi" and pick up something from their profile and go back about your day. I think the guys say the same thing, for every 10 they send out, there may be only 1 response? If that??

Try MeetUps too. There are several single groups MeetUps around me. Grab a single girlfriend and make her go with you


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Crashtestdummy
♂ 26121
Member # 26121
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, thick skin and patience is needed for OLD. Match is a pretty good service. I would just give it time. I did use Chemistry.com with pretty good luck. While none of them turned out to be the one, I did have lots of interests and dates.

There was a woman who gave a TED talk on writing the perfect OLD profile. It was funny, but it made a lot of sense. Also, you may want to make sure you have a flattering profile photo. I can't tell you how many dates I went on where I decide to meet the person even though there picture did not attract me. In all cases, they were more attractive in person than the photo.

I know it sounds kind of vain and plastic, but OLD profiles are like a resume. You sell yourself without over selling yourself.

Hang in there! I am sure you will meet someone that interests you.


BH-Me 51
XWW-her.... 54
2 Wonderful Sons: 32 & 21
D-Day: 09/22/09
Married 20 years
Divorce Final: 08/12 Enjoying Life!

"I Don't Suffer From Insanity, I Rather Enjoy It". Serge A Storms


Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2009
Crashtestdummy
♂ 26121
Member # 26121
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, thick skin and patience is needed for OLD. Match is a pretty good service. I would just give it time. I did use Chemistry.com with pretty good luck. While none of them turned out to be the one, I did have lots of interests and dates.

There was a woman who gave a TED talk on writing the perfect OLD profile. It was funny, but it made a lot of sense. Also, you may want to make sure you have a flattering profile photo. I can't tell you how many dates I went on where I decided to meet the person even though there picture was not at all flattering. In all cases, they were more attractive in person than the photo.

I know it sounds kind of vain and plastic, but OLD profiles are like a resume. You need to sell yourself without over selling yourself.

Hang in there! I am sure you will meet someone that interests you.


BH-Me 51
XWW-her.... 54
2 Wonderful Sons: 32 & 21
D-Day: 09/22/09
Married 20 years
Divorce Final: 08/12 Enjoying Life!

"I Don't Suffer From Insanity, I Rather Enjoy It". Serge A Storms


Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2009
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's really about a 1% or 2% success ratio like any other kind of Internet marketing. For every 100 emails you do, you may get 10 replies. Of those 10 you date two or three. Of those three maybe one works into an actual relationship when all is said and done....1%.

Go easy on yourself and don't take it so seriously. But good for you for being proactive contacting men. It's a breath of fresh air to a guy when he's noticed and contacted.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm right there with you. I had 2 dates that I thought went really well....with educated attractive men...but they both poofed on me. I refuse to settle and the only guys that typically contact me are closer to my dad's age than mine. There is one guy that is like 54 hitting on me in a local running group that I occasionally run with...and although he says his last girlfriend "was my age.....(34) and he usually dates younger women".... I have no interest in dating a guy 20 years older than me. What if I wanted another child? I'm not sure if I do or not....but the option might be nice....and I would prefer a guy closer to my age. I usually DO date older guys....but more like 4 years older....not 40....GEEZ... I would even consider 10 years older if we had a lot in common, the attraction was there and he had other qualities that meshed well....but I just can't wrap my head around 2 decades older. But, on that same token....I can't imagine dating a guy much younger than 5 years younger than me....because of the maturity thing. There just seems to be a HUGE difference when an older woman dates a younger guy. The guy either has to be super mature..... or it just won't work for me. I guess if all I cared about was the sex then it would be fine...but I want it all.

If that means I have to wait forever. So be it... bring on the cats! But, I won't lie. The 2nd guy that poofed, I let bother me too much....which I shouldn't have. That's where I figured out I needed to toughen my skin a little more before I was ready to do the online dating thing again. So, I gave it up. I haven't dated since August. My match profile ran out in September and I shut it down. I am too busy right now raising my daughter and getting my life straight to date....and I figure if the right guy comes along during this process....than great! I will go with it! If not....I can wait.... it may seem like forever....but a few years on your own could possibly be the best thing that ever happens to you. I have kinda enjoyed this solo time.... and its given my heart some time to heal from my past relationships and has really clarified to me what I want in a man...what I won't put up with...and helped me SEE and recognize when I fall into the same patterns of attracting the wrong type of guy....and I can steer myself clear of those train wrecks WAY before they occur!

Don't rush things. I think God has a plan for us all....and even though I've gone through A LOT of crap in the past few years..... I still refuse to give up the faith that there is someone out there ....that is meant for me. And, someday.... we will find each other.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:06 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
kg201
♂ 40173
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had much more success with OKCupid than I did with Match. Not sure why, as the profile was not much different. The questions on OKCupid, I think, helped narrow down the field to those who were truly a good match.

Hang in there.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 776 | Registered: Aug 2013
I.will.survive
♀ 34677
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to throw out a success story so that you don't get discouraged!

I joined CM and was extremely picky about who I corresponded with. Only winked at maybe 2 men, but wrote an email to one who had put me in his faves, but didn't say anything to me.

I didn't go out with any other men except that one. We emailed for a few days....very lengthy ones. He hooked me with his writing.

Spoke on the phone once, had one date and then stayed together almost a year!

He was kind, loving, supportive and every bit the gentlemen you always dream of.

Hang in there because there ARE decent men online!

I don't know if I can go back there with the same set of eyes since I got ruined with an awesome relationship my first time out of the gate.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
Gomphus
♂ 29779
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just can't do OLD, either. For all the regular reasons. Creeps, scams, and desperation. So I decided to go 'organic'. I made a concerted effort to make eye contact with, and smile at, as many people I can everyday. I decided to build an organic skillset of, I guess flirting?, or just interaction with real people. I'm not knocking OKD, but between living in a small town where people used to walk up to me and say "i know you from okc" or whatever, and having very few 'choices', I just stopped. Plus, I developed an (to me) unhealthy obsession with checking the sites. Same reason I quit facebook.

It's been amazing for my confidence and it makes me feel good. Most importantly, it has helped me talk to people I find attractive, and to actually ask people out or get phone numbers, in real life.


And it's not like I go out socializing. I'm talking grocery store, target, everywhere. Just a thought. Maybe an antidote to the feeling that the only way people find dates is via old. Still works the old way. Fewer 'hits' but higher value.


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gomphus…when you are doing this, are your kids with you or do you approach women with children?

I know I'm super defensive when my kids are around, which is almost all of the time.

I had to make an effort to learn to just be more "open" in general. I realized that I kept my head down and made little eye contact with anyone. Like it was written on my face what had happened. I hated men in general. I realized I had to change that attitude.

I do make eye contact when I can, I speak to people when I'm out walking in the morning. I try to talk to waiters/store clerks, etc. When I'm at Sbux, I try to talk to the barristers, and maybe even another customer. I just try to stay open.

OLD is very artificial, and I think it IS more of a matter of just eventually getting lucky. I do assume since I am "normal", there are other "normal" people out there.

I take long breaks when I find myself too discouraged. Just give it a few weeks and go back to see if anyone new/interesting is on.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Gomphus
♂ 29779
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I'm just being nice to folks it's with the kids. The kids have actually said to me, 'you know everybody'. And I tell them, I don't know them all, but I'm just friendly. I don't schmooze on women with the kids. I hardly do that ever, but certainly eye contact and a smile.

I agree you gotta keep the kids out of it, and I'm not talking about being some 'mad men' style flirt, just being open to the world and, dare I say something so cheesy, sending out love to everbody.


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh to live in a place where I could spontaneously go out by myself and interact with strangers and think it's safe! I'm jealous of those of you who live in places where that's possible.

Although Gomphus I have to let you in on a dirty little secret: when women go around smiling at strange men? They get ideas. The wrong kind of ideas.

All of my dating experience post-D has come from OLD. The guy I'm dating now I met that way. So it does work. But it definitely feels like you're bushwhacking through the wilderness sometimes.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Gomphus
♂ 29779
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do kind of live in Mayberry :)


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
ruinedandbroken
♀ 29250
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I.will.survivie, that is encouraging! What OLD site is CM?


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Christian Mingle. I looked there too, all the same people from the other OLD sites. Plus, anyone can sign up and state they go to church and believe in a higher power and are good people. Just like my ex. You have to use the same good judgment, the same assessment tools.

I remember being much more frustrated in the beginning. Now I can let it go much faster if it doesn't work. Time, practice. Two necessary words for me in dating.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
fireproof
♀ 36126
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think Match is a interesting concept and you hear about people matching but is it after 100 dates or rejections?

I met married men on Match and one potential but still awkward. I think it is worth a try but I would put zero worth of yourself on it.

I would try to do things that interest you and you might meet someone as a friend romantic or non romantic. That friend might know potential single people etc....

This is about you creating a life and finding a new way. Meetups are also good- try those you are interested in or places you always wanted to try. That way if you don't connect with someone you enjoy yourself.

Good luck!


Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2012
better4me
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to attract quality men with your profile and that is the first place to start. I'd suggest having a friend take a look at your profile. Maybe there is some wording or phrasing that you can change. Do some research about how to write a good profile. People here on SI can be helpful too, I got lots of hints about what makes a good OLD profile when I asked.

Make sure you have 2 or 3 good pictures of yourself on the profile. Maybe consider having some professional photos taken, (just make sure they are "glamour shot" type photos--too cheesy. ) I've recently finished a book called "Confessions of the World's Worst Dater" by Bobbi Palmer and I've subscribed to her blog. Helpful hints abound!

I've been at it about 3 years now. I'm 52, am not model beautiful and have extra poundages and I'm dating quite a bit. That 1% of quality hits/successful dates seems to be about right though. I'm remaining optimistic


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3236 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
PhoenixRisen
35912
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

feels like you're bushwhacking through the wilderness sometimes.

love this!

I quit OLD after about a month - just just felt weird having my info on there, and (this was the weird part) I began to turn into a super critical, material person. I got a lot of messages so if I didn't like the sender's profile pic (including the background of the pic, e.g., cluttered kitchen, too small of a bathroom, etc) I'd just hit delete without even reading the message.

I know... awful right?

I began to feel superficial and guilty. So after I went out on a few dates with one guy but that cooled (or he poofed, if I'm being honest), I cancelled my OLD rather then begin corresponding again.

Maybe I'm just protecting myself from getting hurt again. I definitely don't have a thick skin so, even though no one was creepy or mean, I think I was always bracing myself for it.

[This message edited by PhoenixRisen at 5:55 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 504 | Registered: Jun 2012
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