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AndreaL posted 2/20/2014 20:24 PM

The limbo is killing me, I just don't know what to do. I cry ALL day long. Is it weak if I leave my husband? Or am I stronger if I stay? A year ago around this time, I thought I had it all. Now, I have nothing. I look in the mirror, and am so ashamed of my life and my husband. I can't regret marrying him because of my precious children, but still....kills me to say that. I've cracked, I'm starting to think I need to check myself into the psych ward, all I do is think about him making love to her. A knife to my heart and my self esteem. Why wasn't I good enough? How could he betray not only me, but our family. I keep hearing his vows and they are worthless. Destroyed.

CantLoseHope posted 2/20/2014 20:27 PM

Andrea I am confused, in your signature it says separated..... are you not separated? because youre asking if its weak if you leave your husband........

AndreaL posted 2/20/2014 20:31 PM

I am separated....by leave, I mean file for D. We have been separated since DDAY.

CantLoseHope posted 2/20/2014 20:37 PM

Oh ok I see.....
Well Andrea IMO I think it may be a little too soon to make such a rash decision unless your 100% sure on that decision, and from your post it doesn't sound like you would be 100% certain with your decision.

As for the visions, I completely feel your pain. I am almost a year from DDay and I still have nightmares that creep in every once in a while. I know the visions are hard etc and I know they make you want to bash your head against a wall, but I will say they will start to dwindle..... it takes time.

Have you spoken to an IC yet or sat down and really thought about your options while trying to keep the emotions at bay? I mean just logically thought about your options.....

For me that was my first big step, the logical thinking, there was plenty of time for the emotional thinking.

I am trying my hardest to help you, because I have been in the state of mind youre in right now many many times and I want you to know we are here.

whattheh posted 2/20/2014 20:37 PM

You only need to do what's right for you and your kids. Neither D or R makes you stronger or weaker.

This is crazy making stuff and you are really in the initial stages. I felt like I was temporarily insane sometimes. I was probably in a fight or flight state straight for quite awhile. I tried to exhaust that by hitting pillows to channel all the anger and rage.

Is your fWH remorseful and trying to help you and take care of you? The mind movies were excrutiating and I eventually found a way to dismiss them. This is second nature to me now.

Many of us have had a time period of extreme anger and rage. For me that lasted about 9 months so this is a long road.

But now things are much much better. Not perfect but this healing process definitely has stages but sometimes you ping pong back and forth.

[This message edited by whattheh at 8:40 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Leia posted 2/20/2014 20:51 PM

AndreaL,
My first DDay was spring of 2003. I can remember waking up after I found out and the sky was a different color. I was so ashamed of our situation that I didn't talk to anyone for quite a while. Finally, my mom dragged the story out of me. It was a relief. Please find a close friend/family member to talk to about this stuff right now. Pick up the phone. Then tomorrow, find yourself an IC. On my second DDay, I've blabbed to everyone about what is going on. I wouldn't recommend that for you, but that is what worked for me. CantLoseHope and whattheh has given you great advice. Please heed their words. Take care of yourself and I hope the writing here helps.

scarednbroken posted 2/20/2014 20:56 PM

First things first - do not think of any of this as your fault. You are not weak!! If you are here, you are alive, after what he has put you through..... You are strong. As a matter of fact, if you feel this is a deal breaker, and R is not possible, you file for D you are the strong one. Weakness is staying and letting his run ramshod over your life and not pursuing the life and love you are entitled to enjoying. Take it from me - weakness is staying and accepting less. It takes strength to reconcile, forgive. It takes strength to say enough is enough and leave.

Hugs and strength to you.... I hope you find your strength.

AndreaL posted 2/20/2014 21:09 PM

I just want to say thank you for all your support. This board keeps me sane. I'll answer some of the posters questions tomorrow, I'm just so drained from my mini breakdown tonight.