I understand that it's over, that we can't fix multiple affairs, that what we had is gone. But to suggest that what we had never existed, that's hurtful beyond compare.
[This message edited by Midas at 8:33 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]
OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014
DD - 6yo
Filed for D 2/10/2014
False R 6/2014
It hurts so badly, doesn't it?
We are with you.
I'm sorry you are hurting tonight. I've asked myself this question many times over. I always felt loved as well and I thought our marriage was great. It took lots of therapy for me to see that our marriage was seriously flawed and I was being used. It's hard to tell what these people feel. I don't think my xh ever loved me. I think he used me until he got all he could out of me and then he ditched me. He is too busy loving himself to be able to love anyone else.
I'm sorry you are hurting. You know the truth of your life. You know. Don't let her take your truth away from you.
This is it. The darkest day. The blackest hour. Chin up, shoulders back. Let's see what we're made of, you and I.
― The Doctor
IMO she is trying to numb the pain she is going through from the D by downplaying what you guys actually had..... for some this is an automatic response.....
"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"
Yes! You are damn right it hurts! And we don't deserve it, no matter how "bad" anyone thought our marriage was. There should have been conversation, attempts to fix problems, and love exchanged throughout the lead up to the leaving, and not hate filled nastiness toward us as if WE were doing something wrong while THEY leave!
I'm sorry for your pain. I am sorry for everyone who has to endure this tragedy and heartache because they fell in love and committed to someone who turned into something different than they were.
Take care of yourself.
I have been trying to find an article for the last hour from this past fall, in the NY times that talked about how the rewritten marriage is one of the hardest parts of this for BSs. I can't find it, but it talked about how the wayward is able to control the marriage history for themselves. They create the timeline and understand how they got from point a to b. Their sense of what they believe to be real stays intact. The betrayed spouse only understands a, is thrust into b, and usually never understand everything in between. And that's where we are.
I think for me, part of the healing has been the acceptance that there is a lot that I am not going to understand, and my sense of self has nothing to do with her. Whatever the reason your wife did what she did, it was her own selfish reason. She probably did love you (point a). But it's everything in between that you need to learn to let go. For me the turning point was my wife saying I was a bad caregiver. I was confident enough to know how blatantly unreal that statement was, and how skewed her reality had become. What are you confident in? What can you look at and say, that was real, and she can't take that away from me? What can you look at in your marriage with pride?
It will be ok.
You'll get through this. You won't be the same when it's done, but you'll get through it. We all have.
Detach brother. Change can only come from within. If she's not willing and proactive, you can't help. Best you can do is to save you. Work on the things you have control over. (That's you btw)
Sorry you are hurting. It does get better.
Here is the article kg mentioned. I also found it very reassuring. It really acknowledges how hard it is to reframe old memories.
For my part, I hold my head high knowing my love was real. And I do think despite the betrayals that his was too--it just wasn't on the same level as my love. KWIM?
It takes a long time to figure out if you can continue to cherish any fond memories or if you think they were all a lie. Once the deep pain of now fades, I think you can easier believe that it was real when it happened, and that she is re-writing history but cannot change the fact that it happened and had worth.