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VeryUncertain posted 2/20/2014 21:14 PM

I seem to be building a big old estate on the plain of lethal flatness.

The positives:
-He is trying to do everything right.
-We have two little kids together and they deserve a happy family.
-I was really happy and in love before the A.
-I almost filed but didn't...and in reality am not going to file anytime soon.

The negatives:
-I feel no connection right now. I wonder if I fought so hard for the marriage just to "win" on some level.
-We have communication issues that need to be fixed. I'm not sure we're REALLY making progress, which makes me despair for the future.
-He blathered on about soulmates and I thought it was ridiculous...only now *I* want a soulmate. I still know it's ridiculous and I'm not on the slippery slope of cheating myself BUT it makes me sad that I don't feel like he "gets me" anymore.

That's enough for now. I'm sure a lot of this is stemming from the fact that we have a long distance relationship right now so it's probably just simply difficult to really connect and reconcile as we might otherwise?

Bloozle posted 2/20/2014 21:52 PM

I've been wondering about the bit you said, saving the marriage just to "win." I sometimes think if I file for divorce, it's letting that sorry son of a - take my wife away, and might make me irrationally stay even if I shouldn't.

Not that I'm trying to leave, I think. But I'm definitely still thinking it through, about 2 months into R.

sisoon posted 2/21/2014 10:29 AM

What are you doing to R?

A giant part of Connection is communication. If tat's blocked, MC could be very beneficial.

What's your H doing to change himself from cheater to good partner. Is he in IC?

VeryUncertain posted 2/21/2014 11:12 AM

Sisoon, good questions.

Maybe we're not really doing anything productive to R. Neither of us are in IC and we're not in MC right now because we only see each other on most weekends.

We're trying to communicate better and have each other's backs but last night's conversation is a perfect example of our communication death spiral.

Me - I had a bad day and am feeling sort of sad.
Him - Lame attempt to make me feel better.
Me - Ugh, thanks, but I want more reassurance.
Him - I had a bad day, too. I never do enough. I try to give you everything. Blah blah ad nauseum.
Me - I am going to poke my eye out. Good night.

Basically, in a relationship, you want someone who gets you and who's there for you, right? He wants happiness and no bad times and I'm sorry but I can't be all happiness and light every minute of every day. If I ask him for something, it's somehow interpreted that he's not doing enough. Has anyone managed to attack THAT specific problem?

Writing that out while the kids are in school makes me want to throw in the towel. I will try again on the path to R tonight, though, when Daddy walks in the door and the kids scream with delight.

steadfast1973 posted 2/21/2014 12:59 PM

Writing that out while the kids are in school makes me want to throw in the towel. I will try again on the path to R tonight, though, when Daddy walks in the door and the kids scream with delight.

I know this feeling... when we are together, I am fine... But, when he is gone... I want to leave.

If I ask him for something, it's somehow interpreted that he's not doing enough. Has anyone managed to attack THAT specific problem?

For my fWH, he already feels that way about himself... So I try to remind him what he does do right, as often as I point out where he is lacking. Sometimes it doesn't work well at first, and all he hears is the bad... I just don't give up.

Rebreather posted 2/21/2014 13:03 PM

It's easy to stagnate in this process. If you can't do IC or MC, how about some reading? Not Just Friends, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, Private Lies, or even the 5 Love Languages are all good places.

Obviously he doesn't know how to support you or construct an appropriate apology. That kind of stuff will kill R down the line.

You have to keep working at it or it dies. Dates, time alone, time focused on one another, and a deep commitment to being on the same team. Your interaction shows that you are both struggling for power in the relationship.

Morhurt posted 2/21/2014 15:45 PM

I *think he thinks you want/need him to solve the issue that caused the sad day whereas my guess is that what you need is to be heard and understood. This was a big obstacle for me and my H. I used to hear "I'm always messing up" "nothing I do is enough" all the time and it felt awful. Now I feel and hear genuine remorse but also genuine caring. Much more so than in the past.
Tiny example: a friend of my mom's that I knew as a child passed away and I felt an ache of sadness. I told my H in bed that night and he held me and asked questions about him and listened while I talked about him. It felt so close and comforting. This never would have happened in the past. H has had so much loss and death that I wouldn't even have told him, it would have felt so insignificant in comparison. And if I had the response would likely have been "hmm, that's too bad" and snores.
Your H needs to understand that listening and sharing us what builds intimacy.
((hugs)) it's a tough road

sisoon posted 2/21/2014 17:08 PM

It's hard enough to build a relationship on weekends. It's got to be immensely difficult to rebuild a relationship on that basis. Your work is cut out for both of you.

Is IC possible for both of you, even if you're basically living in different locations?

JustSoSad42 posted 2/21/2014 20:20 PM

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. My husband is in the military, so I am no stranger to long separations. I had a rough time feeling not connected with his most recent TDY (which is no surprise now, given that he had his ONS during the time I wasn't feeling connected).

I hope something turns around for you soon.

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