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Ready to give up

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Healinggirl posted 2/21/2014 03:34 AM

I don't know what to do. 15 months out, reconciliation has been a bit bumpy but overall ok. He's been a model, remorseful husband, he owns it all and is trying to heal me.

But I feel like I want to separate. I keep looking back and can't believe he made those choices to cheat instead of getting himself help or talk to me when he felt compelled to visit prostitutes.

He admits he never gave me a single thought, and didn't even think about what harm it would do to me. Yet, he kept it so well hidden I never guessed. And that's what I can't get over, what I can't heal from because he can hide stuff so well, I would never know if it happened again.

Trust has gone, my feeling of safety has gone and I'm not sure any of that will ever come back.

Feeling very sad today and ready to give up.

hurtingfool posted 2/21/2014 05:24 AM

At a little over a month out, you are describing my feelings pretty well.

I decided that when I truly just don't want to deal with it anymore, I'll be done. I will wait roughly a year first to see how things are working out, but if I'm not seeing improvements either way after that, I'm hoping I don't convince myself to wait and see just a bit longer. I know I do not want to feel this way five years from now, two is pushing it.

I may not trust her, but I am going to trust my gut when it feels the time has finally passed to move on from her.

WhatToDo2 posted 2/21/2014 06:49 AM

I hate to say this but 15 mths sounds good, especially if you are both committed to the marriage. Are you or both of you in counseling?

For what ever it is worth, I am very proud of you. 15 mths is a great effort even though it may take more time.

At least your husband is there for you - keep telling yourself that. Yes he is a complete arse, yes he screwed up and no you will never forget. But if he is there for you that is half the battle, the other half is creating new memories together.

Ivyivy posted 2/21/2014 07:10 AM

I hear you and share many of the same thoughts/challenges. I am not sure how the trust ever comes back after what we have all been through. I hate the constant nagging feeling I have in the back of my head where I now question everything (because I was always a very trusting person). It adds a level of stress/anxiety to everything.

nekorb posted 2/21/2014 07:16 AM

Is he being completely transparent? Complying with IC/MC?

Since I'm not in R, I can't speak to the time frame or whether or not your feelings are on par for the length of time.

Maybe talk with your IC about it?


joannie posted 2/21/2014 07:18 AM

I hope that time gives back trust to you and us all, also given myself a time of until end of August but don't like to think there will be a hard decision to make ..lets hope and pray we all find that our husbands have changed ..

Healinggirl posted 2/21/2014 10:36 AM

Thanks everyone, I feel a bit better now and ready to keep going a bit longer. I think this was a very low point in our recovery.

Soon after I posted, an old friend came to see me. Her H had an affair early in their marriage over 40 years ago. It took a year for him to be truly remorseful, but after that they successfully reconciled and are still together and happy. She said its normal to have these sort of days and to not give up.

So, I'm going to pick myself up off the floor and keep going.


[This message edited by Healinggirl at 10:37 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

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