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WH trusts his AP

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AshLynx posted 2/21/2014 05:47 AM

My husband and I had a talk regarding him getting tested for STDs. He went and everything is fine. However I was concerned because of his attitude regarding all of this. I asked him why he would take that risk and he told me that since his AP had lupus she has to get tested fairly often for STD and that he knew she was clean. I objected that first she could lie about the results, and second she cheats on her husband so you can't really trust someone like that He just kept repeating he knew she was clean and "only" had him and her husband. To be honest I just wanted to facepalm when he was saying that he trusted her. In my opinion, you cannot trust somebody like her, just as I don't trust him anymore (at least until he proves himself to me again).
It kinda bother me that he trusts her to be responsible and "faithful". Like he still holds some respect for her. I know a WH cannot let go of his feelings for his AP just like that but all the evidence point to her not being trustworthy and I wish he would see it.
Do you think it's all due to the Wayward fog, or that I need to accept they have some kind of history and that she might be trustworthy in some aspects of her life? Have you ever had that problem where your WS still thought highly of the AP?

betrayedhusband posted 2/21/2014 06:07 AM

My fWW said some of the same things when I was pushing her for STD checks. Finally had to explain to her that we would not have sex without both of us being tested. I got my tests within a week of Dday because I was not going to risk my life.

For her it was part of the fog. "I know he has never cheated on his wife before" "He told me he has never done this" (insert Seth Meyers on Weekend Update...REALLY? REALLY! REALLY?)

I think she did it because of my requirement then, but a year later I assume (since we haven't had need to discuss that aspect recently) that she now realizes she couldn't trust him any more than I could trust her. I believe it is part of the whole "I'll never get will get hurt...I won't get an STD and infect my husband..."

Best of luck!

AML04 posted 2/21/2014 06:43 AM

My WH thought he knew OW too. It never even occurred to him that she might have an std he could pass on. Thankfully we were both fine.

LivinginLimbo posted 2/21/2014 07:01 AM

Add me to the "we're honest cheaters" club. My FWH also had the mindset that there was no risk of STD's. I saw where at one point, the MOW wrote about the condom slipping off and, since they both just knew their spouses were faithful, they didn't need protection.

The only one in that equation I can vouch for is myself. Meanwhile, my FWH had a second LTA that coincided with the one he had with the MOW.

My FWH did tell me that he had himself tested about a year before D-Day. I still ask why since he was ever so sure the AP's were lily clean and he absolutely hates needles. He still says it's because there was a mobile clinic near his job so he gave it a go.

Fortunately, I have a compassionate Doctor and my test results were negative.

I've never viewed this as him trusting the AP's so much as the arrogant mindset he had. How dare I think he'd be foolish enough to get a STD?!! He has since realized he put me at risk and is very apologetic.

DixieD posted 2/21/2014 07:04 AM

It's the lies he has to tell himself. The AP and WS mirror each other. If he questions that AP was lying or a risk or untrustworthy it will shatter the illusion he built up in his mind about himself. He has to respect her to still have respect for himself. If he challenges these things about her, he'd have to do that about himself too. He can't face the thought of that.

I believe it's more about the feelings the WS has for themselves, not their AP, that creates and maintains 'the fog'. Which is basically just another word for denial. When he's ready to accept truths about himself, 'the fog' will lift. For some people it never does.

Keep challenging him on it. He's kinda clueless about STD's and the risk, like for example males can't be tested for HPV.

Have you been tested AshLynx?

mindisgone posted 2/21/2014 07:06 AM

He just kept repeating he knew she was clean and "only" had him and her husband.

Right, so your WH ' trusted" her.. did he trust that her H had "only" been with her. And vice versa?

I am continually stunned by how cheaters selective choose to believe only what the wish matter how obscenely absurd.

heartbroken2012 posted 2/21/2014 08:00 AM

"we're honest cheaters"

This is SOOOO how my Wh and the OW thought of themselves.

My WH claims that she told him she has only EVER been with 5 guys her whole life. They never even bothered to wear protection. "It just happened each time" according to WH.

To this DAY, he still believes that the OW never told anyone at work their secret. He still believes she can keep secrets. Did I mention that everyone at OUR work place knows in his department.

YAAA.....she keeps her mouth shut as well she kept her legs shut.

Twitchy posted 2/21/2014 08:15 AM

Oh man I remember this.

In the middle of my fWW's EA, when she lied and said she stopped and I was monitoring every word she typed, she kept commiserating with a friend who knew about the situation. She would say how she could trust him because they knew each other so well, they were so compatable.

I read the texts they exchanged. It was classic manipulation on the POSOM's part. She just couldn't see it she was so enamered with him. When he had enough and stopped replying, she was so hurt. She thought she could trust him.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 8:18 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

AshLynx posted 2/21/2014 08:31 AM

Wow it looks like it's pretty common for WS to believe themselves faithful and immune to getting a STD. They sound confident about everything, how they love each other (seen some texts from that time), how they trust each other, how it's best for everyone, how nobody understand them, etc. I wonder if it's like you say DixieD and they have to tell themselves they're confident and sure of their choice to not feel bad about themselves.

I did get tested because I was pregnant and my OB/GYN does STD testing before the birth to make sure we don't pass anything onto the baby. The only thing I did not get tested for was HPV, which I will request at my next visit. I'm not sure how I could forgive him if he gave me cancer though... He was my only one so it would have to be because of him

I asked him these same questions. How can he be sure of her? How can he be sure her husband didn't get a revenge affair? How could he put me at risk like that? He just keeps saying he's sure she doesn't have anything and that she's only be with 2 men in her life: him and her husband There was no changing his mind. That's mainly what annoys me. Everybody can see a cheater is not to be trusted. I don't want him to hate her as he was 50% responsible for all this, but I really wish he'd stop thinking of her as trustworthy. She knew he is married and she is married herself. She did it once and it's a slippery slope, once you lower your standards and morals you are at risk of doing it again. He cannot know for sure he was the "only one" she had on the side.

Hopefully he'll get fully out of the fog soon.

NikkiD posted 2/21/2014 08:34 AM

The "Honest Cheaters" Chapter needs to be added to the Golden Manual

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