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Strap me in, tie me down to the bus seat

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newnormal posted 2/21/2014 06:44 AM

I had a friend take some professional pictures and posted them to 2 OLD sites. I'm getting lots of communication, including the creepy old guys and the younger cougar hunters. But I've also been on 3 first dates, with different handsome guys with boundries. But the one last night! Makes me want to jump out the bus window and not wait for a bus stop! That is against my moral code. So I've asked him to enforce boundries, knowing that I'm going to test them.

So other than the have fun comments, I feel like perhaps some 2x4 might be in order. I worry that I'm going to fast, that I'm over looking flags (only 2 I caught was that he cheated but told me what he would have done different and that the X bad mouth him to kids)

And I really don't like the OLD multidating to pick the best one strategy. Can i find a guy that makes more money? Maybe. But this guy has so many shared interests and goals, I don't want him to just be Mr. Right now, aka my first post D fling.

IrishLass518 posted 2/21/2014 07:34 AM

2x4 on the way.


'Nuff said.

cayc posted 2/21/2014 08:26 AM

The ex bad mouths him to the kids? Hmm, that sounds like wayward lying to me. Priming you to see how horrible she was so that she deserved him cheating on her. Ugh.

So um yeah, too fast. You are compromising all you've learned here to hang out with this dude.

cmego posted 2/21/2014 09:20 AM

I tried to date a fWS. He too sounded like he had done "the work" and was remorseful and trying to get his life straightened out…but after the 3rd date, I just knew I couldn't stomach it. I liked him, but…nope. Couldn't do it.

I think if I ran into another fWS, I would go so slow it would be crazy. He would have to really prove to me that he has done the hard work. He can SAY anything he wants to you, how easy it is to SAY you would do the right thing "next time"…but how has he proven he has made better decisions?

I think it sounds like he is handing you a bunch of excuses. You need to reel in your libido and start THINKING. There will be other guys.

nowiknow23 posted 2/21/2014 09:31 AM

Wait - this was your first date with him? And you asked HIM to enforce YOUR boundaries?

I hope I am misreading that.

newnormal posted 2/21/2014 09:47 AM

I love you guys! Thanks for helping me to get some clarity.

I've text him that I don't think I can get past his wandering. He also made a pawn (victim ) statement and i called him on that bs and told him he always has a choice. His life. His decisions. His consequences.

And yes, I did tell him he had to enforce my boundries last night. I also text him today that that request was a catch 22. If he failed, even because I was tempting him deliberately, that we would be done.

I need more practice at this dating thing. Thanks guys!

ProbableIceCream posted 2/21/2014 09:47 AM

Curious -- what cutoff is "old?" And what makes an old guy creepy?

Undefinabl3 posted 2/21/2014 10:01 AM

Curious -- what cutoff is "old?" And what makes an old guy creepy?

OLD stands for online Dating - not that they are physically old.


So, i get this 100% i do.

However, not all cheaters cheat again. And not all non-cheaters stay that way.

I want to give the guy props for being up front with you. Depending on how long ago it was and stuff that may have been hard for you.

Don't feel bad though if you can not get passed it. Just because a WS can change, doesn't mean that a BS can just magically trust them again. I hope that he doesn't give you flack for breaking it off though.

Wait - this was your first date with him? And you asked HIM to enforce YOUR boundaries?

So if this is true, then I think maybe you need to rethink your OWN ability to boundery. You shouldn't have to ask someone else to enforce this for you. If it is you moral code, then you need to stick to it.

nowiknow23 posted 2/21/2014 10:05 AM

including the creepy old guys and the younger cougar hunters
I think this is the old reference that Probable was referring to, Undefinabl3.

ProbableIceCream posted 2/21/2014 10:55 AM

That is indeed the reference, NIK!

newnormal posted 2/21/2014 10:57 AM

My definition: old enough to be my Dad or my son. Anything between is fair game.

asurvivor posted 2/21/2014 11:02 AM

Call me crazy but here is another perspective from those I have been reading. Maybe thinking about who will be the flower girls on a first date is a wee bit premature. I mean it is a first date. Try to enjoy some time with another person without over analyzing whether or not they are going to crush your heart again. If you are afraid you might fall heel over head for someone in a few hours, it may be too early to date. For me, a first date is a time to qualify whether they have all their teeth and do not use the word rehab while trying to complete a sentence. So in summary, try to enjoy your first date and if they do not meet your red flags or dental hygiene it should be in my opinion no worse than watching an episode of the Kardashians, but commercial free.

StillLivin posted 2/21/2014 11:42 AM

Honey, he cheated. What has he done besides give you lip service to "what he would do different". Has he seen an IC? Read self help books.
Baby girl, I do not care how FINE he is or how he makes your libido get to jumpin, he will break your heart if he hasn't fixed himself for real with actions.

Trust my, my STBXH is so damn fine, he could make a Saint sin. He has even turned some hard core lesbians to consider being bisexual for a night. No lie. Gorgeous on the outside, dirty as hell and truly broken on the inside.

If you gotta get your fix, use protection, do your "thang" and move on cuz he does NOT sound like relationship material.

Amazonia posted 2/21/2014 19:46 PM

So I've asked him to enforce boundries, knowing that I'm going to test them.

This is beyond inappropriate and, forgive me for being blunt, emotionally immature. Your boundaries and choices are no one's responsibility but your own. You complain about victim mentality and him not taking responsibility for his choices, but that's exactly how I see this playing out when he lives up to his own agenda instead of yours. It's not his job to take care of or protect you. That's your job.

ButterflyGirl posted 2/22/2014 13:44 PM

Honestly, I think by asking him to enforce your boundaries regarding sex, you majorly led him on and basically offered yourself up for sex. It sounds like flirting to me. You blatantly told him you were already thinking about sex and craving it, and you set it up like a role-playing game where you pretend you don't want it, or he pretends you guys shouldn't do it, but then you guys just have to have it. It's setting up a "forbidden" type sex, which I think many people find as a more passionate type of sex (perhaps the reason there are so many betrayed people here since the affairs were "forbidden" sex).

I would just suggest you ask yourself your true motives right now. It kind of sounds like you are just in the mood for some casual sex, to get some affection and attention and an ego boost, but it also sounds like you want to fast forward to a serious relationship, but it takes a long time to build a serious relationship, and it needs to come from a place where you really like this guy, enjoy his company, trust him, etc., which I think is pretty impossible after just one date (especially if he has already admitted to being a wayward).

I might suggest you just take some more "me time" and focus on yourself and your beliefs and making yourself happy and content without needing a man. Otherwise, you put way too much pressure on this guy to be everything you need and "Mr. Perfect" when you guys barely know each other. I'm just worried you will get burned if you get your hopes up too high and end up regretting having sex with him if things don't work out relationship-wise..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 1:45 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

PhoenixRisen posted 2/22/2014 17:52 PM

he cheated but

if there is ANY mention of another person after that "but" did doesn't get it.

cheating is because of HIM. and he still needs to own his $hit. If he mentions the X, the weather girl, his physic, his co-worker, who ever! he is blame-shifting!

Dodge this bullet!

newnormal posted 2/24/2014 12:01 PM

Points all well spoken and clearly under stood.

Need to further evaluate my own boundries - check
Need to quit playing games - check
Need to get a grip on my own ego - check

looks like my to-do checklist is getting longer

Thanks again SI folks!

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