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A letter to my wife

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Prayingforhope posted 2/21/2014 08:29 AM

She's left on her vacation alone. I leave on Sunday with the boys for our vacation. We're apart and I'm not allowed to contact her. Lot of emotions going on right now and I wrote her a letter this morning that I'm not allowed to send. So I turn over my feelings to SI.


I知 sorry for what I did. I知 sorry for taking you for granted for so many years. I知 sorry for not talking, not sharing, not admitting the problems I was having in my life. I知 sorry for seeking the easy comfort of another woman instead of being an honest husband and investing in our marriage. I知 sorry for the lies, the constant and non-stop lies over the course of my 6 year affair. I知 sorry for the pain, the nonstop and agonizing pain I have caused you, with my affair. I知 sorry that everything you held sacred, everything you trusted, everything you felt secure with has been threatened by my betrayal.

I知 sorry my words mean nothing. I知 sorry that my endless ability to tell perfect lies means that all my words are now meaningless. I知 sorry for being so selfish and so blind to the reality of my affair that I never even considered the impact it would have on you and our family. I知 sorry I killed you. I知 sorry the destruction of our marriage and the destruction of our love has killed apart of you. I知 sorry I can稚 take back what I did or fix it. I知 sorry my actions and my selfish choices have caused you to doubt yourself. You should never have to doubt yourself as you are the most amazing woman I have ever known.

None of this was my intention. I never for one second meant to hurt you or the kids. The honest truth is I gave it almost no thought as I blindly believed as long as my affair stayed secret, it would never hurt you or the kids. I was wrong on all counts and every day I知 reminded about how little I was giving to our marriage and our family during the affair. Every day I was in my affair was another day I was hurting you and the kids. I will regret what I致e done for the rest of my life. You do not deserve what I have done to you. You don稚 deserve to feel this much pain and sorrow it痴 not fair what痴 happened at my hands.

And here we are. Separated for 4 months, not living together, not talking, not sharing, nothing. 展e don稚 exist anymore. There is no longer any 努e because I decided to kill us without even asking for your input. But where I was blind I can now see. I understand what I did and I am taking responsibility for it. I知 facing our friends, our family, your parents, your brother, openly with the admission of my horrible affair. I will not run from the destruction I caused, I will not leave you or the children to clean up my mess. My affair will be part of me forever, it will be part of our relationship forever, but it will not define me. I am not my worst decision and I am smart enough to know how to learn from my mistakes and use this pivotal moment in my life to become a better person, a better husband and a better father.

I don稚 need to remind you what I知 doing to heal myself. You know about my therapy, my time with the church, my time with the kids, the changes I am making in every single aspect of my life. But I do want to remind you why, why am I doing these things? Because I never want to cause this pain again. The pain and remorse of my affair are almost too much to bear. I can稚 sleep, I can稚 eat, I致e dropped an entire size due to my weight loss and even today, I can barely focus on work. For you, I know it's much worse.

I知 doing everything possible to understand why I made the horrendous choices I did so I never make them again. Please trust in one thing, that I will never give you or our children a reason to doubt me again. And even though those words sound hollow, I ask that you only watch my actions. Day after day, month after month, I will continue on the path I started 4 months ago when our lives blew up. I will never be the person who entered into an affair again.

I want you to know that I値l never leave you. I will never pressure you in your own healing process nor force you to make a decision. We agreed to a 6 month separation, but if that is not enough, then please take another 6 months. We池e dealing with decisions that will impact the rest of our lives and the lives of our children and there is simply no reason to be anything but patient. Yes, I will have moments when I am upset, yes I will have moments where my frustration at the situation I caused will come through, but none of that changes my positive actions or my promise to wait for you as long as you need. I知 in this forever, I will never stop working on myself for my own health, the care of my children and eventually, to be a man you may want to rebuild a live with. Your husband will be waiting for you in the room he rents for as long as you need him to.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I will support whatever you need in the future to make you happy. The time to focus on you is now, the time to focus on your happiness is now. I have taken away so much that now is the time to give back to you. Even if you decide the only path forward is a divorce. If that is your chosen path to happiness, I will support it. It is the least I can do after all the pain I have caused.

I love you. You池e my soulmate and since I met you at the ripe age of 22 I knew you would be the woman I would marry, the woman I would have children with and the woman I would die with. Nothing matters to me more than our marriage and I知 sorry it took this much treachery and this much pain for me to realize that.

With love, compassion and humility, your husband.

sinsof thefather posted 2/21/2014 08:49 AM

I think it's a nice letter pfh. I hope that one day your wife gets to read it so that she too can see the progress you have made.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 8:50 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

Shayna71 posted 2/21/2014 08:57 AM


What a heart wrenching letter. My husband has done everything he should...ALL the things that the "WS" is supposed to, and he does everything he can to SHOW me he feels the way you say you do in your letter, but he has a hard time verbalizing or putting thing into words. I'm the type of person who NEEDS to hear it. I would give anything to get a letter like this from him. I truly hope that your wife gets to read this. I hope you do become the person that you are striving for, and I pray that the two of you can reconcile.

MovingUpward posted 2/21/2014 08:59 AM

That is a nice letter. You speak of showing her through actions. I would like to challenge you to journal during this absence about your marriage. Journal about the love that she has shown you over the years, about how you would now show her your love. Let yourself dwell on the positives and improvements you want to make. Do this everyday and allow yourself to grow in the process. In the end you will have a record of actions while she is away. This can serve as a reminder to you in the future when life can get bogged down with everyday challenges of the love that you want to give. It also would be a great way to let her see where your heart is.

womaninflux posted 2/21/2014 09:14 AM

That is a very honest letter. I have a similar situation (husband had a LTA). I hope these are the things he thinks and is sorry for. I hope you meant every word of it. It's too bad you can't send it now.

undertherug posted 2/21/2014 13:19 PM

Praying -- you are in the house this weekend, right? Would you not feel comfortable leaving it where she could find it when she returns?

painfulpast posted 2/21/2014 14:00 PM

What a nice letter.

If you do decide to leave it, please, remove the word 'soulmate'. I can't think of another word that makes a BS cringe more than soulmate.

I'm sending you many positive thoughts, pfh.

Prayingforhope posted 2/21/2014 14:56 PM

I would give anything to leave this letter for my wife to find upon her return, but it's not to be. I broke her no contact boundaries once during the last month and it hurt her deeply. She told me in our monthly MC session I am "too good with words and it messes with her healing process".

Thanks for the good wishes. I need them now as I sit in my house and feel so alone.

painfulpast posted 2/21/2014 15:38 PM

Thanks for the good wishes. I need them now as I sit in my house and feel so alone.

You aren't alone. You may feel that way, but you have over 40,000 people with you.

You're human. Your wife knows that. I can't and don't speak for everyone, but I'm really pulling for you.

A remorseful WS is not something to take for granted. Too many think that just moving on is the way to go.

I really hope you get the ending you're working towards.

somethingremorse posted 2/21/2014 15:45 PM

Hang in there. Much as we'd like to erase the past, the only thing we can do is live right from this point on.

She told me in our monthly MC session I am "too good with words and it messes with her healing process".

I kind of get this, too. My BW tells me to tell her something that doesn't sound like it comes from a book or SI. That's pretty hard since I spend so much time reading and thinking and editing in my head. I haven't taken a shower in two months without an internal monologue or dialogue about the A. You are probably in the same boat. I remind BW that, and she accepts it, until the next time she brings it up. Not real helpful to you, I know.

Finally, as someone who has followed your progress, leaving the letter might not be a great idea, IMO. I bet that your BW is anxious having you at the house without her for a long time. Maybe being completely compliant with your NC would help her.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/21/2014 16:18 PM

Very moving letter, PFH.

Please don't throw it away. Keep it somewhere safe, perhaps start a journal so that one day you can show your wife.

You are not alone, we're all rooting for you. Even through words on a screen your remorse and tremendous effort for personal growth and blindingly obvious and so very admirable.

As an aside, my BH says the same about me. Too articulate for my own good, he says. He hates talking to me because I put my point and feelings across so well, he needs head space just needs to be angry at the moment.

mystified1970 posted 2/22/2014 04:23 AM

I think it's a very nice letter. I wish my WH would not only say all of those things but act upon them, all day, every day, 24/7/365.

I wouldn't even mind if the things he said were verbatim from least then I'd know he's here and trying to learn something.

Keep up the patience with her and best wishes to you and your family.

Flatlined123 posted 2/22/2014 04:53 AM

It's a very nicely worded letter. As a BS I can tell you that actions mean more than words ever will.

As a BS I always questioned if my H really meant what he said or was it just making him feel better about himself to say it.

This is not a 2x4 by any means, but do you have any idea how completely you pulled the rug out from under your wife? Imagine, if you can, how you would react if everything you thought you knew was a lie. That's her life now and she will question E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G!

I'm glad to see you appear to be getting it. Just remember, actions speak for themselves. She's going to need time.

soconfusednow posted 2/22/2014 12:07 PM

Please don't throw it away. Keep it somewhere safe, perhaps start a journal so that one day you can show your wife.
Kind of like a love story written to & for her that starts out with difficulty then hopefully blooms into something beautiful for both of you.

I'd love to receive something like that from my WH

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