"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

b3trayed posted 2/21/2014 08:50 AM

Yup. Sums it up.

Here I sit, not even 2 months into what was supposed to be my honeymoon stage with my husband. We met on vacation 3 years ago and have truly had a fairytale experience - or so I thought.

Originally from Canada, he is in the military and we lived (again, what I thought) was a very tough, but very successful long(loooonnnnggg)-distance relationship. We were in almost constant contact and loved being in each other's company even if it was only on the phone or spending nights sleeping on Skype. We saw each other every 4-6 weeks on average. We were the couple random people would stop and comment on how lovely we were together. He made me feel so special and loved and protected. We had our tiffs, but chalked it up to having strong personalities, he being extremely Type A, and I being emotional and both being stubborn. But we always found our way out of arguments and worked very well together.

6 months before our wedding, he was injured badly enough while out training to where he could no longer do the job he has trained for, for a good part of his life. This was devastating for him and I couldn't physically be there for him. I was, however, ALWAYS there listening, sending cards, trying to be supportive in anyway. It was mere months before I could *finally* be there with him. Although he was incapable of performing the physical duties that work required, he was otherwise 'fine'. He could walk, function, and as I learned... have a 'great' time.

I was able to fly down 6 weeks after the injury to spend a week with him. It was a typical visit, we had a great time, we laughed, we had stupid insignificant arguments, we planned our wedding and started looking for homes.

This was to be our longest separation. 4 months - but after which - I was moving down to the US to stay with my new husband. I thought it would be fine.

During these months, (and the time immediately following the injury) my Fiance was going out drinking excessively, 5-6 nights a week. Blowing money, driving drunk, being a jerk to me (but then bending over backwards to apologize and swear up and down his injury was really bumming him out). I would tell him his actions weren't acceptable especially if he ever wanted to get better (which IS a possibility, but requires rather serious surgery and considerable downtime). I tried to find a balance between letting him know his behavior was destructive and letting him grieve the loss of his career in the short-term.

We make it December, I quit my jobs (3!), pack my life and put a for sale sign on my house. He flies out to be with me and my family (before I leave them all to be with my new husband) a few days before the wedding. All is well, we are happy, he is excited and all appears normal. Two days before our wedding (the night after my bachelorette party where he had spent the night out on the town with his brother but got home AFTER me at 430am), I wake up and in conversation my Fiance hands me his phone to see a picture his brother had taken of him and sent via email. So I open his email and see a Craigslist e-mail with a picture of a girl, standing in her underwear, taking a selfie in the mirror saying, "Now you send me a picture". So I wander over to the "sent" box and sure enough he had replied with, "I will later, I'm out with my family".

Huge fight. He "doesn't remember" which has been a common theme. He gets mad at ME (another common theme) we fight and the wedding is almost called off. I search his phone and don't find any previous messages, no internet searches for craigslist and when I search the e-mail, it is a confirmed scammer who posts on CL Personal and tries to gain information from people. He finally switches gears and is apologetic and swears he has no clue what he did or what he was thinking and I'm stupid, so I believe him.

We get married (whoopdedooooooo)

Supposed to be the happiest time in my life?!

The day after, as I am cleaning up our hotel room, I find receipts he just piled up and I start going through them to toss the uneccessary ones out (nothing out of the ordinary). Sure enough, two receipts for bars the weekend before he flew to see me, in a different city then where he told me he was. He lied about where he went. Which was STUPID. I didn't care where he where out. Why lie!? I approached him rather calmly and asked him to explain. He admitted to lying. He got mad and yelled and screamed and tried to grasp at things to blame me for?! I begged him to come clean right now. We were one day married. I told him if he revealed any secret or lies that I would agree to working out our relationship. He said there was nothing.

We move into our house and has a very blissfull first 5 weeks. We love being together. He loves having me here so much so that he is happy being home more - which he expected and had told me.

One night while he was sleeping, he received a text and I checked it to make sure it wasn't his work alerting him to something they needed/etc (which was common at this hour - 9pm). It was from a saved phone number and a woman's name saying, "I want to see you again".

Fueled. I replied, "When". Sure enough she responded again and I woke him up and told him to explain. LIES. Its a friend of his buddy. "I don't know why she's texting me". So I took his phone and went to the room and texted her from MY phone. I told her I didn't want any trouble but that she had messaged my husband and I just wanted to know the nature of their relationship. She gave half-answers. My husband walks into the room and I say, "She is talking, so you better start. Be honest. Please. BE HONEST." Nothing. He maintains she is nothing.

But the OW continues... he lied to her. Said he was single. She only admitted to me that they "kissed" but I started crying and FINALLY after I alluded to the fact that I knew everything, WH pipes up "yea, we messed around... twice".

I immediately tell him he's on the couch, shut him out and start furiously online searching about what in the heck I am supposed to do now. I find SI. I have since BEGGED, several times about getting the WHOLE truth. He understood my need and did work towards giving me answers he at first "couldn't rememeber". I made it very clear, I needed the whole truth to move forward and that if he came out with it on his own it would be SO much better. Still, nothing.

Since DDay, we have had ups and downs. WH set up MC and we've had two sessions. We start IC for each this coming week. He mad an effort to read online and try to learn about how to deal with all of this... but at the same time, often when I bring up hurt feelings, or a needing to discuss, he gets angry, yells, makes up accusations and blame shifts like a champ. It always ends with a big tears show and apologies and promises to change and be better. He will always 'up' his game... but its only until the next fall out.

He had given me all passwords upon request although I haven't wanted to look at them. Last night I went on our shared phone bill to see how much to pay and I couldn't help but be curious so I looked up communication. He had said that the 'ONS' x 2 occured in the late summer. Around the time I had visited him. And since then, she texts every once in awhile but he ignored her. LIES.

12 texts after the wedding (all her). 67 texts (back and forth) the month leading up to the wedding. And it comes out. He slept with her in November. KIYSGBHKOIUDGTVWELIHDIVKEKIDUYFG. He met her in the summer, took her out on a DATE. Hugged and kissed her after THREE DAYS BEFORE I FLEW OUT FOR A WEEK TO CONSOLE HIM. And then they continuously texted (which he assures me was him "brushing her off" until they had sex. Twice. A month before our wedding. 'Cause THAT was going to get rid of her, hmm?

WHY!!! Why lie to me for THREE weeks about WHEN it happened. I snapped. I was the person that promised to NEVER threaten to leave, never to threaten divorce (although he never shared that courtesy, often 'leaving me' after fights). But I did. I told him it was over. I can't spend the rest of my life finding out more and more secrets and lies. He blamed depression and destructive behavior on his injury. I don't care. My life wasn't peaches and rainbows either. I didn't cheat.

He knew I am serious and broke down like I have never seen him. I felt horrible. But why? How could he do this to me? To us? I am here on a conditional Visa and I CAN'T go home (to Canada) without voiding the last YEAR of immigration work and thousands of dollars. If I go home, we are done. I don't have friends or family here. I've told two people I'm close to (friends). He hasn't told anyone. I can't work until I get my Authorization from the Gov't which will take time. I am dependent on him (for the most part, IF I wanted to leave, I could, but it would mean going home to Canada).

So here I am. I don't want this to be my life. This was supposed to be the start of everything we worked so hard for over the last 3 years. I don't want to give up on everything we had before the last 6 months leading up to the wedding. Once I was here, I was so happy. He was so happy. This was exactly what we had planned for. And now... ???

I still love him and keep struggling with seeing him as a cheating jerk but feeling bad because he is clearly struggling and broken. What the heck do I do now?

RealityStinks posted 2/21/2014 10:17 AM

What the heck do I do now?

Gently, if I were you, I would file for D (annulment maybe given how long you've been married), go back to the life you had before him, and move on. You are 27 with a bright future in front of you. I would not waste another minute of it on him.

I know people IRL that have done the LDR thing only to break up when they are with each other all the time (one moves to be with the other). You said you've been together 3 years, and only saw each other every 4-6 weeks. When you finally start spending a significant amount of time with him before you got M, you find out about OW. What do you think we was doing for the prior 2.5 years when you weren't around all the time? I'd bet you my truck there is ALOT more that you don't know about.

You deserve more than this. I've been in your shoes, and not long ago. You will survive this.

Hang in there.

SeanFLA posted 2/21/2014 10:31 AM

Gently, if I were you, I would file for D (annulment maybe given how long you've been married), go back to the life you had before him, and move on. You are 27 with a bright future in front of you. I would not waste another minute of it on him.

No gentle here with this ^^^^ It's EXACTLY what you do. I know it hurts, but can you imagine still being with him 10 years from now. You have two small children. Both of you just bought a new house. Mortgage and bills are high but manageable. Then you find he's having yet another affair? And then you feel trapped in this marriage.

He's shown you who he is...immature and not committed. All around your wedding day....really? And these are the A's you know of. I guaranty there are more and he;s not going to tell you about. I would pack up, go back home and go dark on him. You're too young to be dealing with this your whole marriage. A marriage that already has a good chance of failing. My sense is your foot is halfway out the door already. Just nudge it open a little more and you're free to find your real husband,

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 10:32 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

norabird posted 2/21/2014 10:42 AM

I am so sorry! You are going through something no one ever should and the person making you have this awful experience is the one you trusted to love and protect you. It is shocking and so hard to deal with. But as realitystinks says, you are so young. You have such a big capacity for love.

No matter what you are going to learn and grow from this experience. It is hard to have to make lemonade out of lemons but in a few years this will be far behind you and you will have healed. I know you love him, and that love is hard to let go of. You can do it, though.

It is really not a good situation that you are dependent on him right now, and so far from your support network. It makes your options seem limited. But really, who cares about losing the immigration costs in the long haul? Which is worth more--a few thousand dollars, or your happiness?

So just detach, take care of yourself, rely on friends and family to support you, and put yourself before him now. You were understanding of his misbehavior during the six months because he had a big set-back but now is the time to be understanding of yourself, not of him. He has had plenty of slack cut for him and doesn't deserve any more of your sympathy.

It's awful to see your dreams shatter. But it is harder to try and patch them together, in the long run, then it is to move on and start afresh. I think that definitely means going back to Canada. It's a consequence of what he's done and there's no reason you should spare him from it. There's also no reason to trust him to do right by you in the future if you chose to stay in this toxic mess.

Sending you peace and strength.

NeverAgain2013 posted 2/21/2014 10:50 AM

Oh jeez, b3trayed. You didn't deserve ANY of this bullcrap.

This guy is a mess. Welcome to the rest of your life if you choose to stay with him. You've been unfortunately slapped in the face - very roughly - with NUMEROUS red flags.

Eventually, you have to deal with those flags and stop ignoring them. He's shown you EXACTLY what he's made of.

I think if you stay with someone who clearly doesn't respect you or your marriage, you'll end up regretting that decision down the road; especially once you have kids and a house and cars and a dog and shared debt with him and everything else. Then you'll claim it's just too hard to leave because you're so entwined legally and financially and you don't want to put your kids through a divorce.

I honestly feel you've been given the gift of sight. Someone up there is looking out for you.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 2/21/2014 14:06 PM

He is 37 years old!? He is acting like a 17yo with his "I just couldn't help myself" attitude.

I would bet this is not his first rodeo. I would bet there is more that you don't know - a lot more. With you being in Canada and he being in the US there was too much opportunity for someone like him.

I'm sorry. I know this isn't your fairytale. And I have to agree, you need to detach and make a plan for YOU. Do you have to leave right now? Tomorrow? Next week? Nope. But you need to get your ducks in a row so you know exactly where you stand between the visa/returning to canada/etc.

You are 27 and deserve much more than a 37yo who can't keep is pants zipped during your engagement. Don't let him disrespect you like he has. Woman up! A marriage that started based on a lie is on a rocky foundation to begin with.

I believe that if this had all happened to me before I had 21 years invested and 3 kids, I would have walked. Of course, none of us can really know if we haven't walked exactly the same path as you are walking, but know that we have experience dealing with the same type of WS.

It is not easy. And the WS has to own 100% of his crap - No excuses. No blameshifting. Ownership and the hard work of fixing himself. It starts with HIM. Cancel the MC appts until he has made some significant progress in IC.

Hugs & Luck!

OK now posted 2/21/2014 20:35 PM

my Fiance was going out drinking excessively, 5-6 nights a week. Blowing money, driving drunk, being a jerk to me

Also cheating just before the wedding. What more evidence do you require? He's a weak-minded loser who will always put himself first; can you imagine him as a father? With all the sacrifice that requires?

Best go home and rebuild. Meet nice Canadian guy who will love you the way you deserve and be faithful.

musiclovingmom posted 2/21/2014 21:51 PM

B3trayed - I hear you and I truly understand how you feel. My dday was 3 days before my wedding. My H showed remorse almost immediately. The first couple of weeks, it was rough to pull information about his A's (yeah, 5 PA OW and I will never know how many chat/webcam women there were). Our first year and a half of marriage has been anything but what a newlywed couple expects, but it has been so rewarding. We have BOTH committed, BOTH worked hard and really learned what it means to have a marriage. When I came to SI 6 months after dday, the advice I got in the JFO forum was to divorce since I was young and our marriage was young. I knew that wasn't be right path for me and my H showed me every single day that he was invested in fixing what was broken in him, helping me heal and in building our marriage. I'm not saying you should choose the path I did, but I am standing as a voice of support should you choose to stay in your marriage. I will say that my H never once blamed me for his choices and his actions consistently lined up with his words (I waited and watched almost the full 30 days allowed by law to actually file our marriage license). Hugs to you as you navigate this trauma.

[This message edited by musiclovingmom at 9:52 PM, February 21st (Friday)]