Yup. Sums it up.
Here I sit, not even 2 months into what was supposed to be my honeymoon stage with my husband. We met on vacation 3 years ago and have truly had a fairytale experience - or so I thought.
Originally from Canada, he is in the military and we lived (again, what I thought) was a very tough, but very successful long(loooonnnnggg)-distance relationship. We were in almost constant contact and loved being in each other's company even if it was only on the phone or spending nights sleeping on Skype. We saw each other every 4-6 weeks on average. We were the couple random people would stop and comment on how lovely we were together. He made me feel so special and loved and protected. We had our tiffs, but chalked it up to having strong personalities, he being extremely Type A, and I being emotional and both being stubborn. But we always found our way out of arguments and worked very well together.
6 months before our wedding, he was injured badly enough while out training to where he could no longer do the job he has trained for, for a good part of his life. This was devastating for him and I couldn't physically be there for him. I was, however, ALWAYS there listening, sending cards, trying to be supportive in anyway. It was mere months before I could *finally* be there with him. Although he was incapable of performing the physical duties that work required, he was otherwise 'fine'. He could walk, function, and as I learned... have a 'great' time.
I was able to fly down 6 weeks after the injury to spend a week with him. It was a typical visit, we had a great time, we laughed, we had stupid insignificant arguments, we planned our wedding and started looking for homes.
This was to be our longest separation. 4 months - but after which - I was moving down to the US to stay with my new husband. I thought it would be fine.
During these months, (and the time immediately following the injury) my Fiance was going out drinking excessively, 5-6 nights a week. Blowing money, driving drunk, being a jerk to me (but then bending over backwards to apologize and swear up and down his injury was really bumming him out). I would tell him his actions weren't acceptable especially if he ever wanted to get better (which IS a possibility, but requires rather serious surgery and considerable downtime). I tried to find a balance between letting him know his behavior was destructive and letting him grieve the loss of his career in the short-term.
We make it December, I quit my jobs (3!), pack my life and put a for sale sign on my house. He flies out to be with me and my family (before I leave them all to be with my new husband) a few days before the wedding. All is well, we are happy, he is excited and all appears normal. Two days before our wedding (the night after my bachelorette party where he had spent the night out on the town with his brother but got home AFTER me at 430am), I wake up and in conversation my Fiance hands me his phone to see a picture his brother had taken of him and sent via email. So I open his email and see a Craigslist e-mail with a picture of a girl, standing in her underwear, taking a selfie in the mirror saying, "Now you send me a picture". So I wander over to the "sent" box and sure enough he had replied with, "I will later, I'm out with my family".
Huge fight. He "doesn't remember" which has been a common theme. He gets mad at ME (another common theme) we fight and the wedding is almost called off. I search his phone and don't find any previous messages, no internet searches for craigslist and when I search the e-mail, it is a confirmed scammer who posts on CL Personal and tries to gain information from people. He finally switches gears and is apologetic and swears he has no clue what he did or what he was thinking and I'm stupid, so I believe him.
We get married (whoopdedooooooo)
Supposed to be the happiest time in my life?!
The day after, as I am cleaning up our hotel room, I find receipts he just piled up and I start going through them to toss the uneccessary ones out (nothing out of the ordinary). Sure enough, two receipts for bars the weekend before he flew to see me, in a different city then where he told me he was. He lied about where he went. Which was STUPID. I didn't care where he where out. Why lie!? I approached him rather calmly and asked him to explain. He admitted to lying. He got mad and yelled and screamed and tried to grasp at things to blame me for?! I begged him to come clean right now. We were one day married. I told him if he revealed any secret or lies that I would agree to working out our relationship. He said there was nothing.
We move into our house and has a very blissfull first 5 weeks. We love being together. He loves having me here so much so that he is happy being home more - which he expected and had told me.
One night while he was sleeping, he received a text and I checked it to make sure it wasn't his work alerting him to something they needed/etc (which was common at this hour - 9pm). It was from a saved phone number and a woman's name saying, "I want to see you again".
Fueled. I replied, "When". Sure enough she responded again and I woke him up and told him to explain. LIES. Its a friend of his buddy. "I don't know why she's texting me". So I took his phone and went to the room and texted her from MY phone. I told her I didn't want any trouble but that she had messaged my husband and I just wanted to know the nature of their relationship. She gave half-answers. My husband walks into the room and I say, "She is talking, so you better start. Be honest. Please. BE HONEST." Nothing. He maintains she is nothing.
But the OW continues... he lied to her. Said he was single. She only admitted to me that they "kissed" but I started crying and FINALLY after I alluded to the fact that I knew everything, WH pipes up "yea, we messed around... twice".
I immediately tell him he's on the couch, shut him out and start furiously online searching about what in the heck I am supposed to do now. I find SI. I have since BEGGED, several times about getting the WHOLE truth. He understood my need and did work towards giving me answers he at first "couldn't rememeber". I made it very clear, I needed the whole truth to move forward and that if he came out with it on his own it would be SO much better. Still, nothing.
Since DDay, we have had ups and downs. WH set up MC and we've had two sessions. We start IC for each this coming week. He mad an effort to read online and try to learn about how to deal with all of this... but at the same time, often when I bring up hurt feelings, or a needing to discuss, he gets angry, yells, makes up accusations and blame shifts like a champ. It always ends with a big tears show and apologies and promises to change and be better. He will always 'up' his game... but its only until the next fall out.
He had given me all passwords upon request although I haven't wanted to look at them. Last night I went on our shared phone bill to see how much to pay and I couldn't help but be curious so I looked up communication. He had said that the 'ONS' x 2 occured in the late summer. Around the time I had visited him. And since then, she texts every once in awhile but he ignored her. LIES.
12 texts after the wedding (all her). 67 texts (back and forth) the month leading up to the wedding. And it comes out. He slept with her in November. KIYSGBHKOIUDGTVWELIHDIVKEKIDUYFG. He met her in the summer, took her out on a DATE. Hugged and kissed her after THREE DAYS BEFORE I FLEW OUT FOR A WEEK TO CONSOLE HIM. And then they continuously texted (which he assures me was him "brushing her off" until they had sex. Twice. A month before our wedding. 'Cause THAT was going to get rid of her, hmm?
WHY!!! Why lie to me for THREE weeks about WHEN it happened. I snapped. I was the person that promised to NEVER threaten to leave, never to threaten divorce (although he never shared that courtesy, often 'leaving me' after fights). But I did. I told him it was over. I can't spend the rest of my life finding out more and more secrets and lies. He blamed depression and destructive behavior on his injury. I don't care. My life wasn't peaches and rainbows either. I didn't cheat.
He knew I am serious and broke down like I have never seen him. I felt horrible. But why? How could he do this to me? To us? I am here on a conditional Visa and I CAN'T go home (to Canada) without voiding the last YEAR of immigration work and thousands of dollars. If I go home, we are done. I don't have friends or family here. I've told two people I'm close to (friends). He hasn't told anyone. I can't work until I get my Authorization from the Gov't which will take time. I am dependent on him (for the most part, IF I wanted to leave, I could, but it would mean going home to Canada).
So here I am. I don't want this to be my life. This was supposed to be the start of everything we worked so hard for over the last 3 years. I don't want to give up on everything we had before the last 6 months leading up to the wedding. Once I was here, I was so happy. He was so happy. This was exactly what we had planned for. And now... ???
I still love him and keep struggling with seeing him as a cheating jerk but feeling bad because he is clearly struggling and broken. What the heck do I do now?