However, after a while I start to think that she has gotten everything she wants and has now 'won' and now I'm carrying the can for it all. Basically I think she's gotten off lightly, though I know making her suffer (for want of a better word) will be counterproductive for our recovery. This whole process is like a vicious circle.
To my way of thinking, it requires more of us to stay and fight for our relationship, for our families. To show compassion and understanding to a woman who showed you so little. It takes a special kind of bravery and courage, an extra measure of everything that is good in our nature, not to turn and flee from someone who caused you such indescribable pain.
No way you are a feckless puss, friend. No way. You took it and you are still standing, and you even opened your heart to the person who dished it out on you. Tough to find words to describe that kind of strength.
To the topic of the post, though. I have thought the same thing about her getting her cake, and eating it, too. And it seems so unfair. But then I wonder if nobody really gets away with anything, in the grand scheme of things. It's hard to measure the weight of the cross she is forced to bear for the rest of her life.
[This message edited by Crushed15Feb13 at 9:54 AM, February 21st (Friday)]
It's hard to measure the weight of the cross she is forced to bear for the rest of her life.
It takes a special kind of bravery and courage, an extra measure of everything that is good in our nature, not to turn and flee from someone who caused you such indescribable pain.
What I take from this thread is that bit you talked about strength. I do feel in love with myself and proud of myself. I told all my close friends and family, we did, I insisted on it. So it's pretty likely that some of those people look on my decision to stay as weakness or insecurity or fear of change etc. So a BS has to be so sure of themselves and the work of the remorseful spouse, that they can internalize that pride and be confident enough to face the shame - and turn it away.
There is no fair here. Nothing about it is fair. It will never become fair. I think I was waiting and searching and working for a way to make things 'fair' for a long time. The key for me right now is acceptance. Acceptance of injustice, my feelings of anger and hatred for the OW, and an understanding that I will not feel like this forever. Feelings change, and even if I am incredibly sad that my H was too stupid and selfish to understand this when the going got tough in our M, I believe that he is different now.
When I get into a cycle of wondering if I'm doing the right thing, or if he deserves me, or fear that I'll change my mind and choose D, I have to remember that it's my choice. I can choose to live my life the way I want to, and I make that choice based on reflection, writing, communicating, challenging myself and staying in the present as much as possible.
I am amazing. You are amazing. That's really the bottom line.
So it's pretty likely that some of those people look on my decision to stay as weakness or insecurity or fear of change etc. So a BS has to be so sure of themselves and the work of the remorseful spouse, that they can internalize that pride and be confident enough to face the shame - and turn it away.
Or genuinely not give a shit about what others think.
LHAP? - Great post.
It did get me thinking about the scales. I do wonder if part of that lack of trust, part of that holding them a bay for a while, part of that punishment and taking what is ours isn't trying to balance things out just a tad. It's not fair, but possibly fair enough? Maybe that is why I treated her so poorly post A. Not only did I not give a rip, I wanted her to know it. We have definitely re-calibrated out relationship. It's not just about improved communication. It not just about them becoming authentic. It is, for a while, about balancing things back out.
I guess what I am questioning is this statement
though I know making her suffer (for want of a better word) will be counterproductive for our recovery.
Is that really true? Maybe it is actually a way for some people to be able to enter into R. Specifically, with non remorseful, TT'ing WS like ours.
Like this. If they don't come clean right away, put them in a corner, tell them you don't need them and let them know when they grow up to come and find you while you move the hell on. That does not mean leave the house, it just means leave them. Improving communication and working towards forgiveness together can't start until those scales are at least tilted back a little. If they are remorseful and genuine about it maybe that sets things straight enough to venture into understanding. But if they aren't the BS must do it for them, by holding them off emotionally or leave. It's dark shit, but so was my W's A.
Shit I can be as understanding as all get out if someone just cops to being a dumbass and comes clean. It's when they don't that I really want my pound of flesh.
Shit. I just realized where my remaining anger stems from. It's not my wife's A. It's what she put me through post discovery. She has stopped that for a while and turned it around...I really need to let that go...out for a run....
[This message edited by wert at 1:38 PM, February 21st (Friday)]
...making her suffer (for want of a better word) will be counterproductive for our recovery.
It was well into my 2nd year that I gave up my desire to punish my W. What stopped me every time was that every punishment I could envision ended up hurting me as well as my W. If I could have hurt her without hurting myself, I would have done it.
The reason I didn't do much to make her suffer was that it was counterproductive for ME. I'd have been fine with delaying R a while.