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Trial Separation

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WhatToDo2 posted 2/21/2014 09:08 AM

Long story short : WW had what I believe to be a long term affair (she had told him she loved him etc) with a AP who lives over seas (he has 2 kids).

We are 2/3 through our trial separation my WW requested so she could get more space to think. We agreed ground rules, including dates, MC, IC, and sharing of child care.

WW is still ambivalent about what she wants and my IC (our MC too) and I agree that my WW will need more time - ie: extend the separation.

WW showing signs of progress but we don't discuss the affair (probably b/c of guilt, shame - she had an abortion b/c of it) and she isn't remorseful (MC says she resents the heck out of me and probably blames me for the affair).

MC feels things are positive but I think differently. The ambivalence is killing me even though we are actively working on ourselves and our marriage.

My fear is that my WW is still in love with the AP to the point where she wants to break up our marriage for a relationship that probably work out in the end (MC said that if she really wanted to leave she would have had the baby).

What do I do if she wants more space? She is at home with our daughter and I'm sleeping on a couch. Shouldn't I ask her to move out until she comes to a decision?

RealityStinks posted 2/21/2014 09:25 AM

Sorry you're dealing with this buddy.

My two cents.....

"I need time to think" equals "I want to see what life is like without you before I make up my mind".

You need to make up her mind for her, and file for D. You can not wait her out. If the shock of D doesn't remove her head from her posterior, then more time is not going to do it either. You're better off moving on with your life than wasting it waiting on her.

If she's not willing to talk about the A, she wants to rug sweep it. You can not R doing that.

My fear is that my WW is still in love with the AP

^^^ Guaranteed.

MC says she resents the heck out of me and probably blames me for the affair

^^^^ Also guaranteed. My WW does the same darn thing.

What do I do if she wants more space?

File for D. It's over.

If I had things to do over again, I would have filed for D the day I found out about all the texts/phone calls. That would have given her two months (in my state and without kids) to "wake up", but at least it would be over by now one way or the other.

If I were you, I'd get the ball rolling now.

Hang in there buddy.

Dreamboat posted 2/21/2014 09:27 AM

Why does SHE get to make the decision? How is that fair to you? She has an A, she says she needs "space" and forces you out of the home, and SHE gets to decide your future too? Forget that.

I have never been a big believer in S as a means to heal a M. How are you supposed to heal a M if you are not together? And in the case of a WS, I have all too often seen them want a S in order to cake eat -- continue the A while stringing along the BS.

It is time for YOU to take control of YOUR life. Move back into your home. Tell her that if she does not want to work on the M then she can move out. And if she moves out, find a L and file. You need to protect yourself and your DD. Because what if WW decides she really wants to be with OM and she moves overseas with your child? Good luck ever getting your child back. If you are lucky and she moves to a country that enforces the Geneva Convention then after spending a ton of money in legal fees you might get your DD back in a couple of years. If she moves to a country that is not part of the Geneva Convention or does not enforce it (like Brazil) then you will likely never get custody of your child again. Am I just trying to scare you? No, I am pointing out a reality. Your WW may never even think of doing something like that, but I am sure you thought your WW would never have an A either.

I know you want to save your M and I agree that should be your focus. But you also need to plan for that not happening because it is impossible to save a M when one partner is an unremorseful WS. So hope for the best, plan for the worst. But mostly, start to take control over YOUR life rather than being at the mercy of an unremorseful WS.

lilacs40 posted 2/21/2014 09:41 AM

I agree. It's time to start D proceedings. Maybe it will help her get her head on straight and maybe not but it can't hurt.

Good luck.

Abbondad posted 2/21/2014 18:59 PM

I'm sorry, what2do, but I must concur with reality stinks. My STBXWW wanted separation after I discovered her affair. Desperate to save our marriage, I let her leave. According to her, she "needed space," "time to think," "to grow as an individual," and on and on.

She never gave up the affair. She just wanted to continue to cake-eat without that pesky interference from an inexplicably angry husband.

Although I did not follow this advice, in hindsight I would have told her if she left our home and children and did not commit instantly and fully to our marriage, I would file for divorce immediately. I did not (although I threatened it many times), and allowed myself to be plunged into hell for almost a year.

I hope very much your story does not become mine. But please think carefully and stay strong.

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