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For those who choose not to know all the details

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ziganska posted 2/21/2014 09:10 AM

I don't fall into that category. Maybe it's because my chosen career is all about the tiny details and not the bigger picture or maybe I was just born someone who likes every little bit of info. But now with the discover of the A, I want/need to know everything. I want to know what my H did in order to process it somehow and move on. Any detail, minor or major, is important to me to know because I feel he's being transparent that way, exposing his mistakes/flaws/bad choices (which is a healthy thing for him to finally do), shows he trusts that our M could be strong enough to withstand this AND means he's not hoarding secrets with the OW. I hate secrets, whether they're intentional or not. They make me think of grade school kids who whisper into each other's ears and then giggle. Secrets always mean someone else is played for a fool...secrets in my M due to the A mean I'm played for the fool.

Anyway, I've read here a lot that there are members who rather not know all the gory details. That the deed is done and that's enough for them in order to move on, whether it's D or R. I envy those of you who choose this....once you know something, you can't unknow it so sometimes I think you're better off that way. And even if you think you're the most strong, open minded, healthy adult on the planet, there are certain details that will just burn themselves into your memory forever....and you won't be able to get rid of that pain...ever.

I'm just curious how/why those who choose not to know all the details came to that realization and do they feel that has worked for them in the R process. Obviously I can't go back myself, and my natural curiosity is just a part of me, but from more of a psychological standpoint, I was wondering what's behind that choice.

bionicgal posted 2/21/2014 10:40 AM

I don't know if this will help - I am somewhere in the middle. Re: the sex: I know where, mostly when (not on the calendar, but how many times), general dids and didn'ts (haven't pressed there) and enough to write a book about what was going on in my H's mind at the time. I know how they arranged the hotel, what they paid, how they covered, and where he parked when he went to her house.

Some sexual details I have hesitated on because I don't want them to haunt our sex life. I know one thing in particular, that I can't seem to shake. Not because it is deviant, or anything, just because it is painful. I can't tell if I need more information on that one, or wish I had less. Time will tell.

I think sometimes we do pain shop, and think that knowing particular details is going to give us some kind of insight or truth in the situation. I am thinking that this may be an illusion for some of us. I say do what you feel, and don't expect that there is a right way. Not to be rude, but is there a "right" way to eat a shit sandwich? It sucks either way.

peoplepleaser posted 2/21/2014 11:16 AM

I am like you in that I work to uncover all the details of anything that is important in my life, including the EAs. I found over time that my obsession with knowing everything interferes with my ability to work toward something better in myself and my life, regardless of R. I have changed my position recently to requesting to know the worst of what happened...which I'm still not sure I've gotten. Time will tell. As far as minute details, it just doesn't matter. I have specific questions that I will ask from time to time regarding information I feel is important, such as WS's response to things. I also feel that I need to know more about what WS did to lead the others on and maintain this balance she's clung to between getting the attention that she felt she needed/deserved and staying uninvolved enough to live with herself. The recent drop with regard to details is freeing. I think my quest for them was in response to knowing I don't yet have all the information about the worst of it. I'm starting to recognize that WS either hasn't uncovered or de-minimized her own level of involvement yet or is waiting to feel more comfortable or secure in our attempts to R to tell me. What I can't understand is that if she is aware of more that she's keeping from me, is the resistance to get it out because we both know that the healing can't truly begin until the final disclosure occurs. Ugh.

AppalachianGal posted 2/21/2014 12:11 PM

I didn't ask details. Why? Because my WH is a liar (as all cheaters are), so what's the point? He is going to tell me what he wants me to know, regardless. Its enough that I know he slept with another woman. I really don't need the gory details. He asked if I wanted to know the ONS name. Nope. Why would I? So I can trigger every.single.time I hear it somewhere? Some questions are best left unanswered.

Alex CR posted 2/21/2014 16:27 PM

I obsessed and created a timeline...five years is a lot of lies and I needed to know when H was with OW and what was going on at home......I think I updated the Excel sheet for maybe a little over a year and then felt satisfied I had covered my history. I had lived a lie for five years and needed to know the truth. Occasionally I would look at it, but it's been years since I've looked, but I haven't thrown it away.

As to the sex, I once asked a question and didn't like the answer and decided I don't need to know what or how they did wasn't going to help me heal but instead would hurt as the one question I did get answered stopped me from ever allowing H to do that to me again....

I think we all have to reach the level of detail we can live with and for each person, it's different and it can change. Either way, the WS has a responsibility to answer completely and truthfully when asked.

Gottagetthrough posted 2/21/2014 20:34 PM

eh... my husband wont tell me things. he was undiagnosed bipolar and abusing pills...

he says that he has forgotten a lot.

I get the run around when I ask, so I am cool with not knowing. I dont think he's forgotten everything, BUT I do think he is grossed out by talking about it and that's enough for me. (The fact that he is so grossed out by what he did that he cant talk about it)

IStillLoveHim2 posted 2/21/2014 22:45 PM

I really did need to know all of the details. I am just over 2 years out, and at times regret that I know so much. Overall, though his openness did help me rebuild the trust. I never, ever EVER thought this would happen to me. And when it did, I was devastated. My questions were because I needed to know how we got to where we were. . . and then I needed to understand how I could ensure our best odds at not getting back here again. Many times I would ask him to stop answering my question. . . I would process it, and then we would start again another day. I completely understand about "not being able to unknow something". After all we've been through, I am glad I know what I know and I wouldn't do it any differently if I had to do it all over again. Don't second guess yourself. . .you are doing the right thing for you.

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