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silentscream13 posted 2/21/2014 10:00 AM

My IC keeps telling me that in order to move forward, I need to start considering if I want to R or not.

How can I even move forward or consider R when I feel no love for my WH?

I know I am only 3 months out, but I do not feel love for him. I only feel hate and disgust towards him, which is now slowly sliding into indifference.

He is (finally) doing the work and trying to become a better man, but is it just too late?

Is this normal to feel this way? Does the love for your WS ever return?

[This message edited by silentscream13 at 10:01 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

MovingUpward posted 2/21/2014 11:20 AM

You probably felt no love for your H when you went on your first date with him but you still went. I think that the IC is right in that you can't wait to decide that you love and trust him before you R because those are the feels that you'll achieve when the R process is complete. So is there a potential to R? For this you have to look at your side and his side

For him
- is he being transparent
- is he telling the truth
- is he showing you actions of his love

For you
- if he was to change could you find it in your heart to trust him (albeit that he earns it)
- has your M shown that it has the potential to be great at some time prior to this.
- Are you willing to try

His and your answers will let you know if R is possible. It may be babysteps and that is ok to tell the IC at first. Tell them that you are open to trying but you expect it to start slowly as the process for rebuilding trust can take time.

But as long as you are undecided you are in limbo so it is hard to see how you could move forward.

sisoon posted 2/21/2014 11:43 AM

IMO, 'hate' means you're still pretty involved with him and/or extremely angry.

There's nothing wrong with that, but I don't think you can make the best decision for yourself when you're in the throes of a strong emotion.

IMO, the first step in moving forward is to feel the grief, rage, and fear and let those emotion go. That clears your head, heart, and gut to figure out what you really want, and if you really want R, letting the feelings go prepares you to evaluate whether or not R is possible.

From what you write, I think it would be best for you to work on your feelings for a while in IC and then decide. If your IC isn't helping you do that, or if she isn't helping you figure out what you want in some other way, you probably need a new IC.

Love can return if that's what you want, but you don't have to want it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:45 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

norabird posted 2/21/2014 11:52 AM

I think your IC is putting too much pressure on you. Three months is still early. Yes, you need to consider if you want to R at some point, but it does not sound like now is that time, nor does it need to be.

As for love returning...people are really different. For some it may. For others they come to realize the cheating is a dealbreaker. Time is involved in either case.

You may be heading into a plain of lethal flatness...others know more about that than I do.

atsenaotie posted 2/21/2014 11:56 AM

silentscream13,

The love can return, but it is the last of many things necessary to heal the M after the betrayal of an A. Trust, a sense of safety, and an opportunity for the WS to learn new behaviors and then demonstrate these new behaviors for a sustained period are examples of what should come first.

You post that your WH is doing the work and trying to be a better man. What is he doing? Has your WH figured out why he turned to an OP rather than turning to you, working on his part of the relationship, or inviting you to MC? Is he in IC to work on his issues? Has he read Not Just Friends by Glass and/or Sexual Detours by Hines and discussed with you how they apply to your M and his A? Do you have full access to his chat, email, and text records? Has he dropped Facebook? What is different now in the M, not words, but actions, to show he is remorseful and changed?

I agree that to move forward in the M and work on R you need to know that you want the M with your H. I think that just a few months after dday is too soon to know if R or D is right for you and your M. I would like to suggest a third alternative for you; “not divorcing”. By not divorcing you do not separate or leave the M so long as you continue to feel safe in the relationship, but neither do you commit to staying in the M or working on the relationship long-term. During the period while you are “not divorcing”, you can watch your WH to see if he is truly remorseful, truly learning what his issues are that led to his A, and if he is owning those issues and sustaining change in his perceptions and behavior to fix those issues.

During this non-committal time while you observe, it would probably benefit you to do some IC of your own to help process and work through your emotions and to do some values clarification work on what you want for your future. This time of watching, healing, and not divorcing is also a good time to shore up your reserves. Your social support reserves by renewing and expanding your circle of friends. You financial rewards by saving cash, reducing debt, and preparing to have the necessary cash flow and reserves if you decide separation or divorce is the right path for you. Your personal self-esteem by engaging in hobbies, activities, or interests that you may have set aside when you M. Exercise and a good diet will also help you prepare physically and mentally for the stress of R or D, whichever you ultimately decide is best.

When you are ready to work with your WH together as co-equals to address issues in the M is when you will know that you are ready to R.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:57 AM, February 21st (Friday)]