The love can return, but it is the last of many things necessary to heal the M after the betrayal of an A. Trust, a sense of safety, and an opportunity for the WS to learn new behaviors and then demonstrate these new behaviors for a sustained period are examples of what should come first.
You post that your WH is doing the work and trying to be a better man. What is he doing? Has your WH figured out why he turned to an OP rather than turning to you, working on his part of the relationship, or inviting you to MC? Is he in IC to work on his issues? Has he read Not Just Friends by Glass and/or Sexual Detours by Hines and discussed with you how they apply to your M and his A? Do you have full access to his chat, email, and text records? Has he dropped Facebook? What is different now in the M, not words, but actions, to show he is remorseful and changed?
I agree that to move forward in the M and work on R you need to know that you want the M with your H. I think that just a few months after dday is too soon to know if R or D is right for you and your M. I would like to suggest a third alternative for you; “not divorcing”. By not divorcing you do not separate or leave the M so long as you continue to feel safe in the relationship, but neither do you commit to staying in the M or working on the relationship long-term. During the period while you are “not divorcing”, you can watch your WH to see if he is truly remorseful, truly learning what his issues are that led to his A, and if he is owning those issues and sustaining change in his perceptions and behavior to fix those issues.
During this non-committal time while you observe, it would probably benefit you to do some IC of your own to help process and work through your emotions and to do some values clarification work on what you want for your future. This time of watching, healing, and not divorcing is also a good time to shore up your reserves. Your social support reserves by renewing and expanding your circle of friends. You financial rewards by saving cash, reducing debt, and preparing to have the necessary cash flow and reserves if you decide separation or divorce is the right path for you. Your personal self-esteem by engaging in hobbies, activities, or interests that you may have set aside when you M. Exercise and a good diet will also help you prepare physically and mentally for the stress of R or D, whichever you ultimately decide is best.
When you are ready to work with your WH together as co-equals to address issues in the M is when you will know that you are ready to R.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:57 AM, February 21st (Friday)]