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Am I Unreasonable?

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boilerfan35 posted 2/21/2014 11:02 AM

I am still checking my hubby's cell records. He's only 1 week in to saying he's 100% "for" keeping the marriage together. I found a new phone number on there today and asked him about it and he is livid that I am still checking up on him. I find this unreasonable on HIS PART since he is the one who cheated and used his cell phone for constant communication with OW.
How long was it before you didn't feel the need to check anymore? I want to believe him but after being lied to so many times I'm finding it hard to trust him again no matter what he says.

rachelc posted 2/21/2014 11:05 AM

he's 100% "for" keeping the marriage together. I found a new phone number on there today and asked him about it and he is livid that I am still checking up on him.

100% for keeping the marriage together means 100% transparency.
Are you guys in MC?
Have you created a list of things he needs to do in order for YOU to stay in the marriage?

Morhurt posted 2/21/2014 11:05 AM

You are not unreasonable, he is! How dare he be livid at you for not trusting him! Personally I plan on checking for as long as I want/need. My H knows this and supports it. Yours should too. If he has nothing to hide, why is he upset?
((hugs))

LostSamurai posted 2/21/2014 11:06 AM

Were not R, or any where near it as I am concerned but I believe you are being reasonable and he is not.

He has not warranted trust with only 1 week in. He should be willingly showing you and explaining to you. Just going through the motions is not enough.

He needs to have the desire to make you trust him.

eachdayisvictory posted 2/21/2014 11:09 AM

You are not being unreasonable. We are a year out, and just last week on the way out the door to work I asked if we could trade cell phones for the day. He said 'sure' lightly, swapped, and we went on our way.

A couple of weeks ago I wasn't where I said I would be when he texted (had just run to a book store after work), and when I got home he asked if I would mind showing him the receipt with the time on it from the book store. I didn't do it so lightly, but then I checked myself and we talked about what we were both thinking/feeling that led to the request, and it was great.

Him getting angry with a request like yours would not be ok with me. He would get some anger right back, or (hopefully) a calm interaction from me in which I described to him exactly why I was checking - because he betrayed all trust and truth between us and it needs to be rebuilt for the rest of our lives. I will check his phone in ten years if I want to, and I don't pretend that I won't.

I know I will be ok on my own in life, and I struggle with staying with a cheater as is - if he makes my struggle any harder than he already has, I'm done with our M.

Hope this helps.

Jls0320 posted 2/21/2014 11:09 AM

He's being unreasonable. I found out about the EA 5 mos ago and still have spyware on his work phone and check the records on his personal phone. If he is truly committed to R than he needs to accept you will be checking up on him until you feel you don't need to, whenever if ever that is

boilerfan35 posted 2/21/2014 11:14 AM

yes, we are in counseling. I don't know if it's really helping but I keep going because I think it's better than us trying to keep it going on our own.
I have not made a list but I'm going to work on one to present. I think that's a good idea.

Rebreather posted 2/21/2014 11:15 AM

You will have the right to check up on him forever. The rest of his life.

You are NOT unreasonable.

Transparency and accountability, two very key ingredients for a real reconciliation. Don't accept anything less.

peoplepleaser posted 2/21/2014 11:20 AM

No. You are not unreasonable. He needs to work on his response to it. In my case I find that responses like that from WS mean that she is reminded of the shame of what she did. We have worked on our communication about it to avoid extreme emotional responses for both of us. I am suggesting to her that we set a time to look through the accounts, phone calls and texts together once a week so that nobody is blindsided by questions or reactions to questions. I feel ok with this because I installed software that recovers deleted information from her phone, though I have not promised that I won't look from time to time on my own, only that I will address it during our scheduled times to talk about it. It's a tricky dance rebuilding trust and every couple has to determine what works best for them in their own situation. I hope that you guys find a method that works for both of you so you can move toward rebuilding it.

sisoon posted 2/21/2014 17:31 PM

He's way off. It takes a lot more than a week to rebuild trust, and transparency is forever, as Rebreather says.

craig2001 posted 2/21/2014 17:42 PM

He is unreasonable.

I believe that when a former WS gets livid at something like this, they are hiding something. What reason is there to get livid unless there is some embarrassment involved?

Embarrassment at getting caught.

Livid is much more than just being annoyed.

Did he tell you who that phone number belonged to?

Also, October was not that long ago at all for any BS to be done checking and wondering.

ETA: I have also found that livid = defensive. Defensive as in hiding something.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 5:52 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

soconfusednow posted 2/22/2014 03:22 AM

I found a new phone number on there today and asked him about it and he is livid that I am still checking up on him.
Does that make you think he's hiding something? Tell him so.

How long was it before you didn't feel the need to check anymore? I want to believe him but after being lied to so many times I'm finding it hard to trust him again no matter what he says.
I still check sometimes several days in a row other times not for a few weeks. It all depends on my gut feelings.

H phone is placed in the kitchen when he gets home I'm free to look whenever I want & know his voicemail password. His only request is I don't pounce on it the second he arrives.
The last time OW contacted my H (for work related issues) he came home from work, handed me the phone, said there is a text from OW I saved it so you can read it.

sudra posted 2/22/2014 06:35 AM

At 3 1/2 years out, I still check from time to time - phone and computer. Computer still has a keylogger on it. He never fusses at all when I check. It's a way to build trust when I check and find nothing, and my husband knows this. He wants me to do so because he wants to regain some of the trust that he lost.

Not only are you being reasonable but you should be concerned that he is bothered and that you found a new number.

authenticnow posted 2/22/2014 06:39 AM

My BH can check on anything he wants for as long as he wants. Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.

Complete transparency, forever, is how this works. He needs to get that.

Bloozle posted 2/22/2014 06:53 AM

I would be very concerned that this is a fake reconciliation. Wish I could go back to week one and lay out the law then. Don't put up with it, you'll regret it later.

Zayda1 posted 2/22/2014 08:22 AM

I'm 22 months out and still check. I don't so it consistently, maybe a couple times a month. Usually when my gut starts feeling off and I need reassurance.

One week into R is reasonable, 2 years into R is reasonable. He is being unreasonable. Did he explain who the new number was?

Dreamland posted 2/22/2014 08:26 AM

1 week he's been 100% committed and before that???
Are you sure he hasn't taken the A underground. He sounds suspicious.
Sorry I ripe him a new asshole if he asked me if I'm still checking on him. He doesn't get it.
bitch boots time for you.
Good luck and sorry :)

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