Don't beat yourself up. I found an email from OW encouraging my H to leave me. Had I not found that email? Pfffft - I think he would still be in la-la land and I would be none the wiser.
I believe he printed out that email for a reason - I think on some level he wanted to get caught. I mean, otherwise why print out an email and carry it around? Makes no sense.
Same with your H - he kept a pic/ad on his phone. Why? Deleting these things would prevent being found out so easily... so I think,on some subconscious level, they want (need?) to be caught?
Maybe? Doesn't make it any easier, I know.
All the what ifs will really crush you, as it has me, so do your best to push those unhealthy thoughts aside. When you think about it, you could use the what ifs for every instance in your life, not just this. It's what you do now that will make the difference. Hang in there!
[This message edited by Jls0320 at 11:30 AM, February 21st (Friday)]
It took a long time to work through those feelings. All you can do is feel them and go through it.
For me, slowly, my heart has been catching up with reality. The reality is, I did catch him. I now have the option to live an authentic life. I now have the knowledge to make choices based on truth. I try to be grateful for that. It doesn't always work, but I do my best.
We have a similar timeline and discovery. I can't say I ever truly suspected him of cheating. I truly believed he never would do anything like that. I think in my subconscious I knew something was wrong. I have never checked his text messages before, I don't know what made me do it. That's how I found out, end of Sept also. Granted more came later, but just recently, after some talks with WH, I realized had I not found them, I have no idea where we would be today. Married still, perhaps, I don't know if he would have ever left because OW wouldn't leave her family, but it's a scary and sad thought. I completely understand that feeling and I think at this point it's still feels very formidable.
I have made it very clear what WH needs to do and I have said but struggle to enforce the "I can't control him, only me" statement. He knows this is his one chance, and it's his chance to mess up. I know I have the power, now I'm trying to own it.
I struggle to find many or any silver linings right now, as I've become quite cynical lately, but let me have a go. Let's not say the A(s) happened for a reason (I'm not ready to accept that), but you finding out did, you may not feel it now, but you will be better for knowing it and hopefully he will take this opportunity to better himself as well. Best of luck to you
You are totally normal. I know the pain you are in personally.
You are 6 months out. I am 19 months out.
If you can distract yourself with something, do it . I like nature....so I get with nature. Puzzles, reading, prayer....all help too.
If you can't distract....don't beat yourself up over that fact. You just experienced traumatic level pain. If you don't have PTSD, you most likely have PTSD-like symptoms. One symptom is obsessive thoughts. Another is black and white thinking. You are normal but you are needing healing.
IC is a great option.... Did it for a year.
Real life support....a must.
Just a few that worked for me.
We are not equipped to handle traumatic events all on our own, nor does God expect us too.
Post often. Great, M-friendly support here.
You will have more "why the hell did I miss that?!?!" As you explore your past.
Summer my wife started her affair.....was the summer I had anxiety issues. 'Course, since in my mind my wife would never chose adultery....I neve considered that to be the source for my anxiety. So I searched in vane, with a therapist (wife by my side), for "my issues".
NOW I see plenty of clues I was formerly blind too.
.....the clarity of hindsight.
Keep the faith.
Peace be with you.