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Something I can't get past

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Jls0320 posted 2/21/2014 11:19 AM

Back in sept. was when I discovered what was going on, what I can't get past is that if I hadn't had that gut feeling to look at his phone I never would have seen the naked pics of a woman he had from a craigslist ad he kept. Then I never would have found out about the EA, porn and cam sites he frequented, I would still be going on thinking we were fine. After all this came out he admitted to feeling like he fell out of love with me a year ago, I'm sure he'd still be feeling this way had I not found out. Maybe things would be progressing to actually physical encounters since it seemed like he was looking for them. I would most likely still be in the dark and that is scary. I dwell on the what ifs and it's hurting my R with him I know that. It's also freaking me out that this is a man I thought I knew everything about and to find out he had secrets this big is mind blowing. Some of this has been going on our entire relationship :(

Lucky2HaveMe posted 2/21/2014 11:25 AM

You're only 6mos out. That's still pretty fresh. And trying to make sense out of something so illogical is crazy making!

Don't beat yourself up. I found an email from OW encouraging my H to leave me. Had I not found that email? Pfffft - I think he would still be in la-la land and I would be none the wiser.

I believe he printed out that email for a reason - I think on some level he wanted to get caught. I mean, otherwise why print out an email and carry it around? Makes no sense.

Same with your H - he kept a pic/ad on his phone. Why? Deleting these things would prevent being found out so easily... so I think,on some subconscious level, they want (need?) to be caught?

Maybe? Doesn't make it any easier, I know.

ziganska posted 2/21/2014 11:27 AM

I am there with you....I found out quite accidentally one night when I had insomnia and checked my H's bad. I could've totally done anything else than what I did and we would've continued to live, seemingly, in a happy state while he would've continued what he was doing...and maybe more.

All the what ifs will really crush you, as it has me, so do your best to push those unhealthy thoughts aside. When you think about it, you could use the what ifs for every instance in your life, not just this. It's what you do now that will make the difference. Hang in there!

Jls0320 posted 2/21/2014 11:29 AM

Supposedly he kept the pic to send to a friend, the pic was his friends exwife and while trolling CL ads he came across a sex ad she posted. He never contacted friend about it, so he lied about that, also said he thought he had deleted them because he didn't want me to see knowing id be upset. Well yeah I'd be upset dummy! I tell him if you feel the need to delete to keep wife from getting upset than that should be your first clue you are doing something wrong. He's an idiot

[This message edited by Jls0320 at 11:30 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

sadone29 posted 2/21/2014 11:37 AM

Yup, that's something I was hung up on for a long time. The fact that all this would still be going on made me crazy.

It took a long time to work through those feelings. All you can do is feel them and go through it.

For me, slowly, my heart has been catching up with reality. The reality is, I did catch him. I now have the option to live an authentic life. I now have the knowledge to make choices based on truth. I try to be grateful for that. It doesn't always work, but I do my best.

Morhurt posted 2/21/2014 12:45 PM

I found out from OBS, I had no idea. Completely blindsided. 6 weeks later he gave me the avalanche of truth. That one PA was only the tip of the iceburg. I often wonder... What if that OBS hadn't told me? Where would we be now? It hurts. A lot. But the truth is here now. He told me the rest of his own free will. He wants to be in the light. But it still hurts.

alifeforesaken posted 2/21/2014 13:11 PM


We have a similar timeline and discovery. I can't say I ever truly suspected him of cheating. I truly believed he never would do anything like that. I think in my subconscious I knew something was wrong. I have never checked his text messages before, I don't know what made me do it. That's how I found out, end of Sept also. Granted more came later, but just recently, after some talks with WH, I realized had I not found them, I have no idea where we would be today. Married still, perhaps, I don't know if he would have ever left because OW wouldn't leave her family, but it's a scary and sad thought. I completely understand that feeling and I think at this point it's still feels very formidable.

I have made it very clear what WH needs to do and I have said but struggle to enforce the "I can't control him, only me" statement. He knows this is his one chance, and it's his chance to mess up. I know I have the power, now I'm trying to own it.

I struggle to find many or any silver linings right now, as I've become quite cynical lately, but let me have a go. Let's not say the A(s) happened for a reason (I'm not ready to accept that), but you finding out did, you may not feel it now, but you will be better for knowing it and hopefully he will take this opportunity to better himself as well. Best of luck to you

blakesteele posted 2/21/2014 13:42 PM


You are totally normal. I know the pain you are in personally.

You are 6 months out. I am 19 months out.


If you can distract yourself with something, do it . I like I get with nature. Puzzles, reading, prayer....all help too.

If you can't distract....don't beat yourself up over that fact. You just experienced traumatic level pain. If you don't have PTSD, you most likely have PTSD-like symptoms. One symptom is obsessive thoughts. Another is black and white thinking. You are normal but you are needing healing.

IC is a great option.... Did it for a year.

Real life support....a must.


Just a few that worked for me.

We are not equipped to handle traumatic events all on our own, nor does God expect us too.

Post often. Great, M-friendly support here.

You will have more "why the hell did I miss that?!?!" As you explore your past.

Summer my wife started her affair.....was the summer I had anxiety issues. 'Course, since in my mind my wife would never chose adultery....I neve considered that to be the source for my anxiety. So I searched in vane, with a therapist (wife by my side), for "my issues".

NOW I see plenty of clues I was formerly blind too.

.....the clarity of hindsight.

Keep the faith.

Peace be with you.

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