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FaithnMe posted 2/21/2014 12:01 PM

I am fairly new to this site. Just recently started posting here and there about my situation. I am now 7 months in on complete turmoil in my marriage. An A with this OW has not technically been proven and both still deny, despite certain things that have happen. One being catching my H at OW home, (doing nothing but talking about the "rumors" going around about them) being caught going to lunch together, and a letter sent to my Step sons mother by the OW stating that the two of them might become something eventually.
Due to past altercations between me and the OW I am unable to have contact with her cuz of her trying to play the victim role and contacting the police cause of my eagerness to get to the bottom of everythind hear both sides of their story. I have never threatened this OW, nor caused any phsycial or mental harm to her. She is playing a game. Charges will be dropped my attny says but ive never been in trouble before and just in complete disbelief she did this to ME.
At this point I have no proof that there is ever a physical affair. I did get into his phone records yesterday and saw that they do talk regularly still. They participate in a gym and on a team together an they both refuse to leave because it because it is their "passion". The team they are on is competing in a competition this coming weekend. My H and I had long talk yesterday and he states they are only friends and only talk cuz of the gym and their team. He wants our marriage to work and is willing to try. But avoids NC.

I dont know how to handle this or what to do.

craig2001 posted 2/21/2014 12:16 PM

It sounds like you will have to go into PI mode, now that they are aware you are aware of them. There of course is a chance there is nothing going on, but you have every right to be concerned.

Why in the world were charges brought against you and by what agency. Charges for what? What did this OW say in the letter to your husband's step-mom, to me that sounds like harassment from this OW.

Did your husband lie to you about going to lunch with this woman, or did he tell you that he did have lunch. If he lied and you found out he lied, than again, you have every right to be angry. No one likes being lied to.

Have you asked your husband how he would feel if the situation were reversed and he found out you lied to him about going to lunch with some guy. If he says it wouldn’t bother him, I would say he is doing something wrong, if he says it would bother him, then maybe not (yet).

It is time now that you are going to have to prove without question that he is having an affair. Nothing else will work other than actual hard proof.

You might need to hire a PI and have him followed.

Start snooping. Make sure he is at work when he is says he is. Make sure he comes home after these events he is on a team with her.

You could put a voice activated recorder in the car, but I don’t know much about those.

One thing you could do is to hide a GPS tracker in his car and subscribe to a service. This way, you will know where his car is at all times. That could get you the proof you need.

But until you get hard proof, they are going to make you out to be the crazy person.

FaithnMe posted 2/21/2014 13:29 PM

Charges were brought on as telephone harrasment. I called her the night I found out yet again that they had been together (the lunch they went on). I had caught him at her home twice before that but nothing was going on and the first time i didnt even let him get to her front door before i confronted him. He did not tell me about the lunch at all. My H had parked his car that day at my friends workplace and she actually saw them together. The OW had picked him up at his car and dropped him off some time later.

The OW did not contact my H stepmom but my stepsons mother. My H has child from previous relationship and we have a DD together. My StepDS's mother let me know about the message because she was unsure of what was going on.

Thank you for the advice on the tracker. I did not think of that.

norabird posted 2/21/2014 14:01 PM

The gut doesn't lie. I am pretty sure that in 99.99% of cases, people are suspicious because of a good reason. And you have more than just a gut feeling--they are being pretty damn obvious!

If he wants to work on the marriage, ask him to read the book "Not Just Friends". He should not be talking with her since it makes you uncomfortable. Unfortunately this seems like way more than just an inappropriate friendship.

If they are involved in a PA (physical affair), and you get proof (VAR is the best way to do that though jut being in a situation where you have to snoop is awful), you are going to be dealing with a whole new can of worms. Try to read around in the healing library 'faq for bs' to prepare yourself.

So sorry you are here.

lastdance posted 2/21/2014 14:26 PM

follow your instinct-----we are never wrong----but stay away from her ---sheis not the one to confront-----he is your husband,he owes you to be true and honor his vows-----let the accusations die out for a while----make him feel comfortable again and when he thinks you are convinced nothing is going on ,you make your moves----check his call log---place a tracker on his car and phone--write down whatever excuses he gives you when late,keep a journal of all his actions--visit him at work unannounced---be outside when he leaves work--HIRE A PRIVATE DETECTIVE----you can do it--he is having an emotional affair and possibly a physical too---ask him can you have a male friend like he does--can you give him all the attention like he is giving this girl---will he be ok with you doing the same as he is

stillhere09 posted 2/21/2014 22:10 PM

He has NO business being on the same team as her. None. Or even at the same gym at all. No excuses. Right now, he may be saying it's only until the competition. Next it will be only because of xyz or until xyz.

YOU are the only one he should be "passionate" about in any way. YOU should be his ONLY "teammate." This is your right as his wife.

You can't nice him back to you. Being understanding, and letting him do as he pleases is not going to get him to stay with you and drop her. He is carrying on with an affair, either emotionally or physically or both. If it's emotional, it's bound to turn physical. If you appear weak or clingy, you stand little chance of keeping him. It's time for you to get tough.

Tell him he has two options. He needs to:

Option # 1. Call her this minute in front of me and tell her you have thought it over, and you value your wife and your marriage above all else. Therefore, there is to be No Contact between us anymore at all, ever. No phone calls, texts, emails, meetings, gym participation, (I am quitting it as of this minute.) Nothing. And then he has to stick with it. He should not allow the conversation to go on any longer, no matter what she says. There needs to be no consideration for her feelings, no "I'll miss you," or "it was nice knowing you," nothing. His tone should be business-like, not apologetic or regretful. Be sure he knows this before he makes the call.

OR he needs to: (your words to him)

Option # 2. Pack your things, making sure you take all you will ever want with you, and get out. Now. I don't want to hear that you need time to think or plan or choose. Go to a motel, an apartment, or to your wonderful "friend" that you just can't stop seeing. Just go. This minute.

There will be No Exchanges. No returns.

There are no other options. Which do you choose?

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