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idontknow posted 2/21/2014 12:19 PM

So I am back, again. Please see my profile for latest information.

I really need some advice and perspective on something I have found.

WS is going away for a weekend with a girlfriend. Girlfriend has her own marital problems. I encountered an email exchange between them. Girlfriend says she may want to spend some time on the weekend with a 'friend' (presumably male). However, she does not want to leave WS alone much on the weekend. Here is the exchange that follows:

WS: I think I can find ways of not being "alone".

GF: Do you have someone else who might want to be present for part of this???

WS: To hear him tell it, absolutely!!!

GF: Hear who say what? I'm lost...

WS: Yes I could have a friend there if I wanted.

This exchange indicates to me that WS has been talking to a man about her weekend away and that he has expressed a desire to see her at some point. IT also indicates that she is interested and may in fact follow through by inviting him. I have no idea who this might be, but I am thinking she is cheating on some level again.

AM I right that this really can't be interpreted any other way????

As an aside, there are other hints - increased interest in fitness, no interest in sex, bickering, unusual efforts at being sweet to me.

Help. my stomach is turning.

GabyBaby posted 2/21/2014 12:22 PM

Unfortunately, I read that exchange the same way you did- your WS is up to no good.


craig2001 posted 2/21/2014 12:29 PM

To hear him tell it, absolutely!!!

WW's certainly have an odd way of answering questions.

To be honest, if this were my WW, she would not be going anywhere this weekend, that's if she wanted to stay married.

She has to consider your worries and concerns at the very least.

I read your profile and of course I already forgot, when was your DDay?

Try and get another email exchange and see if you can get even better proof. If not, this is enough to confront her and tell her, sorry, you are not going away this weekend.

To answer your question, no, her reply cannot be interpreted any other way.

idontknow posted 2/21/2014 12:32 PM

thanks craig. DDay for this was yesterday. The weekend away is not this one but the next one. I plan to try to get a peek at more email, but she is very good at keeping these things away. Original Dday was March 30 2010.

Ausman posted 2/21/2014 12:34 PM

This can only be interpreted one way. So very sorry for you.

I've read your profile and I see you've travelled a very tough road. She must be very cruel to keep inflicting so much pain in your life.

Deep beaths, hold your head high and keep your integrity. I hope you find peace for yourself. My thoughts are with you.

craig2001 posted 2/21/2014 12:37 PM

Can you make copies of these emails. Dont let her gas-light or lie to you about never writing them.

And yes, get more emails and save or copy them.

But, no matter what, if this were me, she would not be going on any trip.

Now, if you wanted to really catch her, you now have the perfect opportunity. You could show up where she is going to be and actually catch her with some guy.

I dont know if catching her or stopping her would be best for your situation.

Something else, your WW seems good at admitting what she has done wrong, NC and all of that, but has she ever admitted to you WHY she does these things with other guys. There is certainly a real reason for this and until she admits that to you and maybe herself, this will continue forever.

GabyBaby posted 2/21/2014 12:40 PM

I agree with Craig and would take it a step further.
This trip gets cancelled, yes, but I'd also require WS to dump this "friend" as a condition of R since it is obvious she's no friend of the marriage.

Aceofbase posted 2/21/2014 12:45 PM

Sorry to say I can not read this any other way but that she has another male friend.

idontknow posted 2/21/2014 12:50 PM

Unfortunately I can't get copies. I only happened to see these because they were saved on a tablet device. When I tried to forward them, it wouldn't work because the device is no longer logged in to that account (she changed the password somewhere else). I can only hope that she will change it on the device as well and I can get at it again.

I don't think trying to catch her will work as I do not know when - or even if - they will actually meet.

My plan was to ask her next week straight out about the guy she may meet. If she denies I can tell her about the emails (I did transcribe the relevant ones verbatim).

If she still denies, I doubt R is possible. It appears she is never going to stop this.

As an aside, even before the 2010 Dday I had suspicions occasionally. She also cheated on her ex for 3 years. This may be the last straw.

I don't know how long I can wait. This is driving me insane.

craig2001 posted 2/21/2014 12:54 PM

Were there any other emails indicating she would be with another guy this weekend.

What type of place are they going for this weekend and what reason did your wife give for going in the first place.

RealityStinks posted 2/21/2014 12:56 PM

As a veteran of infidelity man, you should have learned to listen to your gut by now. Your gut is screaming at you, you need to listen to it. If your gut wasn't screaming at you, you wouldn't be asking us what we thought. I think you know the answer to your question, but it hurts to much to admit it. Thinking back to my first post, I just wanted people to confirm what my gut was trying to tell me, and it hurt like crazy to admit it to myself.

From reading through your profile, and then reading your post here, it appears to me that she's cheating again (if she ever stopped).

So sorry you're dealing with this again.

Hang in there buddy.

RealityStinks posted 2/21/2014 12:57 PM

I can only hope that she will change it on the device as well and I can get at it again.

^^^^^Just saw this. 100% guarantee that she's cheating. You should know her password, or she should freely give it to you if you ask. If there's nothing to hide, she won't mind.

Breezy150 posted 2/21/2014 12:57 PM

Sorry to say, I think you are reading them exactly right. I also agree that a condition of R would have to be losing this "friend".

mainlyinpain posted 2/21/2014 12:57 PM

The waiting is the worst.
Why do you have to wait til next week to talk to her? Get it out now, why should you have to be in this agony.
How could you possibly be okay with this trip after you know her mindset and possible plan?
Her friend is no friend of your marriage and needs to go if you stay together.
You have had too much of this in your life.
So sorry for what you have had thrown at you again.

idontknow posted 2/21/2014 13:02 PM

There were no other emails. This is a brand new account, so she hasn't used it much. Funny - she need this new account because she couldn't remember password to old one and couldn't reset it. She has used multiple accounts in the past, so she may have communications that way. And she has a work issued blackberry which is password protected - she texts ALOT.

Originally she and girlfriend were going on a fitness retreat. It got cancelled and they decided to go away to another city. They're good friends and they both need time away to chat, shop etc. Details on what they will do have been vague.

idontknow posted 2/21/2014 13:10 PM

thanks for all this - so to speak.

For a while after 1st Dday she was okay with supplying passwords etc. She eventually got tired of it, insisting I should trust her, was crowding her etc. When I discovered one of the flirty emails a couple of years ago, she went ballistic and basically said I can't do this anymore. It was almost like a condition. I figured that we had reached a point where maybe everything was ok, and I was also getting tired of not trusting. I decided to give trust a try.

The rest of our relationship has been up and down. Some of the usual stuff. Before Christmas she flat out said we were done, over a stupid argument that she started. But since then there have been some moments of apparent tenderness, though now I think they may be self-serving.

Last night and this morning she asked if I was "okay". I am not sure if she perceives me being anxious or if she is herself. This morning she was especially cuddly - way moreso than usual.

As for waiting, we are a blended family. I have two kids and she has one. We have all three kids every other weekend. I haven't seen my kids for about 10 days due to work. I don't want this to spoil the weekend for all of us. Plus, I want to see if I can find anything else.

Badhurt posted 2/21/2014 13:17 PM

I don't see how anyone who can understand English a d can read could come to any other conclusion than she is betraying you again. If this friend was a female she would have used different terminology. What is she doing going away for week end with a friend with relationship problems of her own. They will both encourage each other to do stuff that will be harmful to you. If I were you I would confront immediately and demand answers of get rid of her for good

idontknow posted 2/21/2014 13:19 PM

this is so terrible - constantly refreshing this page for more.

I realized I didn't answer craig on the "why". We went through therapy. It was apparently a lack of self respect or poor self image combined with an upbringing that included infidelity. I really don't know. I was assured that this would never happen again, but we all know what that means.

craig2001 posted 2/21/2014 13:53 PM

This is an ugly situation. Your wife knows there is a problem stemming from childhood, and I do know that childhood problems can really cause this later in life. But it doesnt seem she can or wants to stop this way of life.

Since you know she is going to meet some guy, I wonder if there is any way to use this to your advantage. As in shaking her free of this behavior.

Has she even told you where she will be staying, like the name of the hotel, room # etc.

idontknow posted 2/21/2014 14:00 PM

I know where she is staying - I booked the room for them! Such a fool.

I don't think they would know the room until day of arrival, but I am sure a call could be made.

They are sharing a room, however. If there is any interaction with him, it could happen somewhere else. I can only assume he is from our city, in which case he would travel too, and perhaps get his own room.

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