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How to not attract a broken person again.

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libertyrocks posted 2/21/2014 12:32 PM

Curious, what you all went through in order to find a non-broken person after your healing. What did that healing consist of??

Gomphus posted 2/21/2014 12:46 PM

My IC said 'bond over the good stuff, not the bad', meaning when you meet new people dont talk about the bad stuff. and if they do, maybe they're broken.

Sad in AZ posted 2/21/2014 16:00 PM

Fix whatever is broken in you. Then you'll be able to make better choices.

ajsmom posted 2/21/2014 16:06 PM

Ah hum...this shouldn't be your focus right now.

Good things will come to you. You have MILES of healing in front of you.

Baby steps.

Baby steps.



AJ's MOM

Catwoman posted 2/21/2014 17:18 PM

Working on you means doing a deep dive into understanding who you are and what are your core beliefs/values. It is also becoming stable as a single and being content with your solo life. There is no shortcut here.

I recommend IC, hanging with friends for social time vs. dating and reconnecting with yourself through a hobby or new pursuit.

Once you are happy alone, reached a place of indifference with your ex and have the solo life down with all it's twists and turns, perhaps then it would be time to explore dating.

Cat

wildbananas posted 2/21/2014 17:29 PM

Fix whatever is broken in you. Then you'll be able to make better choices.

+1. I speak from personal experience.

phmh posted 2/21/2014 18:17 PM

Once you are happy alone, reached a place of indifference with your ex and have the solo life down with all its twists and turns, perhaps then it would be time to explore dating.

Cat is right on here. Unfortunately, the first impulse is almost always to get out there and try to find another partner right away, but that usually ends in disaster.

There are quite a few people here who've had a second WS because they jumped in too quickly -- and you don't want to find yourself in a situation that's as bad as or worse than the one that brought you here. They say the first post-D breakup is often as hard as (or harder than) the A/D itself. You need to be in a good place to handle that, and you don't want to risk hurting an innocent person (which then makes you feel even worse.)

I have rarely seen anyone who was really ready to date until at least a year had elapsed from the date of final divorce -- sometimes (maybe even usually) it takes longer. Of course, we all (including myself) think that we're healed earlier, and very few people wait that long. And there can be exceptions, but they are very rare -- and many more people think they are exceptions than actually are!

I'm hitting 2 years past final D this spring, and it's only been in the past 6 months or so that I'd say I'm healed. And my healing was quicker than most due to the fact that I could go true NC with my XWH (no kids), am very secure financially, and have lucky resilient genes.

Please don't be in a rush to find someone new. Become your own best friend. You won't regret the time spent on yourself. The personal growth, new experiences, and accomplishments I've had in the past two years have been AMAZING, and there's no way I could have become the person I am today without spending my focus on my healing and growth.

There are a ton of broken people out there because most people don't listen to the advice you've been given.

Tons of hugs and good luck!

risingfromashes posted 2/21/2014 21:24 PM

Time to heal. Sounds simplistic but the best way to not attract a broken person is to give time, love and acceptance to the broken part inside yourself.

fireproof posted 2/22/2014 07:40 AM

I think if you look at our ex spouses I don't think we had a clue how broken they were.

You never know but time is key. I also think being okay with you so your boundaries are strong.

Too soon and there is a likely chance if might be a potential broken relationship.

What you fear you bring to you not sure if that is true but change your journey to be about how YOU are gong to not settle for a broken person.

Good luck!

libertyrocks posted 2/26/2014 09:55 AM

I'm listening, everyone! None of you have steered me wrong. :) Thank you. Yes, I'm strong, I want to pursue my own interests, like being on my own, and do find happiness in my newfound solo life already. I need to focus on the boys and I.

I don't want a relationship, I just want to have fun right now and make up for the last 4 years of feeling imprisoned, in so many ways. Financially, physically, emotionally, sexually, etc.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 2:06 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

damncutekitty posted 2/27/2014 18:22 PM

Being in therapy helped me realize that I was pretty broken before I married my XH. I think if I had not been so, I might have dumped him long before he put a ring on me.

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