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Ow told her H she would never stop

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Breezy150 posted 2/21/2014 13:13 PM

After a conversation with OWs H this morning he says that Ow says she will never stop her "friendship" with my WH no matter what. She believes they are soul mates, and told him that she knows him better than I ever have or will.My WH has written NC, I have approved it and I am mailing it today.

There has been NC since February 8th at all that I can find, so right now I tentatively believe my WH on this point. There have been attempts by her two times after that date that went to blocked voicemail because her number is blocked, he didn't even know about them, I was the first person to play them. He is finally showing remorse and making some pretty major changes. I believe everything is out in the open now, after yesterday.

WH has always been in love with money to the point of financial abuse to me, I work for his company but never have gotten a paycheck. Now he has changed everything so that half of all money goes directly into my own account, that is huge for him. He has also told me to find a place to stash money just for me, so he knows if I am here because I want to be here, or just because I can't afford to leave. We are both starting IC next week. If these changes stay, we are on a good road finally.

My problem is what if OW is relentless even after the NC? What is the step after that if it doesn't work? Her H has decided on D so there is nothing really stopping her. I probably worry too early but that is what I do, think about anything that could go wrong and have a plan.

hopingforhappy posted 2/21/2014 13:25 PM

Ok, you should not get too far ahead of yourself on this. It may take a while for OW to get the message or it may not. The key is for your WH to be solid on NC, especially since he took the A underground once before. No matter what she says or does, NC, NC, NC. The only exception is if she verbally threatens you or shows up at your house or his workplace. Then, you should call the police and file a complaint. Down the road, if she continues to try to contact, you might need to hire a lawyer to send her a letter on your behalf.

My FWH's OW tried on and off for 8 months to get his attention, sending crazy messages. My FWH would forward them to me. They slowed down and finally stopped. It is not fun to receive those messages--it really set me back in healing. But, if you handle them together and with a united front, it does give you a chance to develop some new intimacy as a couple. It is you and him against her and that can be very powerful. Good luck and stay strong! It sounds like your WH is starting to "get It".

RealityStinks posted 2/21/2014 13:39 PM

My problem is what if OW is relentless even after the NC? What is the step after that if it doesn't work?

^^^^That does not matter if your WH stands by NC. Your focus should be on what your WH is doing, and not on what the OW is doing. You're not M to her. Who cares what she does as long as he doesn't reciprocate. Hopefully that makes sense.

If your WH doesn't want to have contact with her, he won't. If he wants to, he will. It really is that simple.

Your energy is best focused on YOU right now. Watch your WH, but don't give this OW any room in your head.

norabird posted 2/21/2014 13:49 PM

You seem to be in an encouraging place. Yes, the OW is trying to disrupt that; but as others have said, your WH either does or does not have it in him to be NC. If he does (and um I'm pretty sure her behavior would be a big turn-off?), then she can't influence him anymore.

I'm glad you'll be getting a financial cushion. Keep insisting on what you need and keep watching to see that he continues to give it to you.


Remember, one day at a time.

tushnurse posted 2/21/2014 14:05 PM

Send her this NC, if she continues and it's bothersome, or causes upset send a cease and desist letter with very clear intentions of filing a restraining order against her.

If your H is truly coming out of the fog, and becoming remorseful then he should be telling you of each and every attempt she makes.

Breezy150 posted 2/21/2014 15:13 PM

Thank you guys so much, that does make sense. Puts me at ease a bit too. She really isn't a factor in us, us is only him and I. United front, I like that. Thank you again.

He better be completely truthful or he is hitting the bricks. I do think he is starting to get it though.

NeverAgain2013 posted 2/21/2014 15:19 PM

Breezy, don't trust him as far as you can throw him.

Secondly, take every single CENT you earn from this business and DO take extra money for your own private slush fund. I go nuts when I read posts from women who have to stay with these guys because they're financially dependant on them.

Save all your money and don't share it with him. Save it. It's insurance.

I don't think she's solely the problem. After reading about their hotel caper, this guy is capable of anything and has no respect at all.

Please save all your money and keep it hidden from him.

NeverAgain2013 posted 2/21/2014 15:20 PM

Breezy, don't trust him as far as you can throw him.

Secondly, take every single CENT you earn from this business and DO take extra money for your own private slush fund. I go nuts when I read posts from women who have to stay with these guys because they're financially dependant on them.

Save all your money and don't share it with him. Save it. It's insurance.

I don't think she's solely the problem. After reading about their hotel caper, this guy is capable of anything and has no respect at all.

Please save all your money and keep it hidden from him.

Breezy150 posted 2/21/2014 15:43 PM

I definitely do not trust him at all. Trust is earned not given for sure. I just figure he has enough time to try to prove himself while I am gathering money. Either he will or he won't. I will be ok either way.

Breezy150 posted 2/21/2014 15:50 PM

Also on that note, forgiveness is earned and I know I could forgive this if he earns it. Out of seven people that tried to kill my son and did murder his best friend that was like a son I have completely forgiven four of them, because they worked for it and deserved it. Remorse is a powerful thing.

CantLoseHope posted 2/21/2014 15:54 PM

restraining order

Rebreather posted 2/21/2014 16:15 PM

Breezy, I'm glad to see he has made a good start.

I still strongly encourage you to tell him to take a polygraph. I am sure that sounds bizarre, but it is a very common recommendation here. It is a real path to full disclosure. Often, you get what we call a "parking lot confession." For waywards who don't understand the trauma of continued lies, it's pretty crucial.

As for the OW, be sure to have a plan in place for your WH. If she calls, he hangs up. ZERO TALKING. Just simply hangs up the phone. It sounds like she will elevate to bunny boiler level. It looks like he's blocked her calls and texts, which is good (know: you have to reset the blocks every three months). He could also change his number.

However, as others mentioned, if she does escalate then you have a lawyer write her a letter explaining that her contact is unwanted and considered harassment, and any further contact will be reported to the authorities.

However, as the others said, it is on your husband now. Shields up. He needs to know that ONE conversation will lead to your divorce.

LivinginLimbo posted 2/21/2014 16:29 PM

We dealt with a persistent MOW. The last straw was when we blocked her cell phone and she got another phone to text from. At that point we went to an attorney who wrote a letter warning her that any further contact will result in her arrest. Since this went on for 15 months before we took this step, the lawyer suggested he use a process server to hand deliver it.

My only regret is that we didn't do it sooner. Much as he never responded, it was still upsetting. There's enough to deal with without having some whore constantly reminding you that they're waiting in the wings.

Breezy150 posted 2/21/2014 18:33 PM

Thank you guys again. Very good advice as always.

whattheh posted 2/21/2014 19:56 PM

I would just go to the police and get their help instead of lawyer. In my state anti stalking laws are strict. The guidelines in our state are if you or H feel harassed call the police and tell them situation. They will want to see evidence of separate contacts and if warranted the will put her on watch list. First step is they will visit her and tell her to stop or serious legal consequences could occur.

And if she is considered stalker then restraining orders and charges will be made. They say usually the first visit makes people stop.

Definitely keep evidence of the contact and harassment just in case it escalates so you can prove pattern. Ex intimate stalkers are taken very seriously and woman stalkers of this variety are becoming more dangerous.

[This message edited by whattheh at 7:57 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

Breezy150 posted 2/21/2014 20:20 PM

Good to know, thank you.

Justgreatnews posted 2/22/2014 08:06 AM

If there is any justice in the world, OW will end up with neither husband in the end.

Dreamland posted 2/22/2014 08:55 AM

Or show up to her house with a 2x4 and beat the shit out of her.... No no just kidding
Yes police time. File harassment charges against her. Take your hubby to tell them he wants nothing to do with her and that's she's a pyschopath.
So sorry but send the NC letter today

doggiediva posted 2/22/2014 10:02 AM

Good luck Breezy..
At least it looks like things are moving in the right direction for possible R to happen down the road..

I am so sorry to read what you wrote about the stuff that happened to your son and that his friend didn't survive :-(

Breezy150 posted 2/22/2014 12:03 PM

Sent NC certified mail yesterday, still in contact with OWs H so I will probably hear how she reacts. It a beginning of the right road now to see if my WH sticks with it.

Thank you doggiediva, it has been two years but it is still nice to have it acknowledged. My son has grown by leaps and bounds after he recovered, he is happily married and doing very well.

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