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Am I a Mad Hatter

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LostSamurai posted 2/21/2014 13:51 PM

Due to the fact, I was involved with pornography, and now my WW had an affair. Does that make us mad hatters?

Deeply Scared posted 2/21/2014 13:59 PM


The Madhatter label is applied when two people have been unfaithful in their current relationship.

I'm pretty sure porn isn't part of that dynamic but I'll check with the Moderators to make sure.

tushnurse posted 2/21/2014 14:01 PM

Um NO.

I thought you had been in recovery from your porn for many years prior to her A.

You really need to quit making excuses for her fencesitting, cakeeating, gaslighting ass.

Have you seen a lawyer yet?

DrivingPast posted 2/21/2014 14:03 PM

No, I wouldnt say that. But a porn addiction can feel like a betrayal to a wife and depending on how far you went, it may be considered infidelity (such as web cams, sex chats, I consider that cheating). Would you have done the things you did online in front of your wife?

LostSamurai posted 2/21/2014 14:09 PM

1. I am not justifying her in actions in any form.
2. I am almost 4 years free.
3. I was viewing porn while being married and it hurt her. I do consider it adultery to a certain extent.
4. I viewed cam videos but I did not put myself on cam or due a cam show or anything like that.

Thanks for checking.

norabird posted 2/21/2014 15:00 PM

I would absolutely not call you a MH!

Nature_Girl posted 2/21/2014 15:25 PM

I consider porn to be a form of infidelity.

Deeply Scared posted 2/21/2014 15:28 PM


The other moderators are in agreement that porn use does not constitute you being a madhatter.

Ostrich80 posted 2/21/2014 15:39 PM

It feels like infidelity to me with my ws but he's also doing sex cam however if your trying to say your porn viewing caused her to cheat, NOOOO...I'm not considering it and I've been hurt by porn.

silverhopes posted 2/21/2014 17:58 PM

3. I was viewing porn while being married and it hurt her. I do consider it adultery to a certain extent.

Hmm… I think it's good that you're questioning your choices. If you feel like the porn went against the values that both you and your wife held in the marriage or if your porn use hurt your wife, then it is definitely something to work on and address. Sometimes it's less about the label and more about doing the actual work.

I have heard of one couple here where both agreed that porn was adultery for them, and they are working on healing now with the porn user considering himself a WS. There are many people here who feel betrayed by porn use. There are a whole range of experiences and opinions here, and what matters is how you and your wife feel about it in your marriage.

I am curious to know, do you view your interactions with the coworker as standing close to the slope or as an EA?

Flourgirl posted 2/21/2014 18:21 PM

My WH was a porn addict. He preferred to MB to porn than be with me. I would say its a betrayal but not infidelity. When he had an affair with his hair stylist that was an infidelity. He cared about her as a person. He never cared about the porn images. He never discussed our relationship or me with the porn. That is how I feel it's different.

Nature_Girl posted 2/21/2014 20:50 PM

curious to know, do you view your interactions with the coworker as standing close to the slope or as an EA?

See, that's what I thought this post was going to be about. The EA (which it was IMO) with the coworker was an unfaithful situation. The accompanying denials & protestations were classic Wayward-speak.

LostSamurai posted 2/24/2014 06:39 AM

I am curious to know, do you view your interactions with the coworker as standing close to the slope or as an EA?

Hmmm...I would say standing close...but we no longer have contact.

LostSamurai posted 2/24/2014 06:44 AM

When we went to one of the MC sessions...which we haven't gone back... I said, porn and adultery are somewhat different. I said there was an emotional connection and there is no emotional connection to the women on the internet...and I hate to admit this, but I didn't think about the women on the internet when watching, i thought about being with my wife...

steadfast1973 posted 2/24/2014 07:16 AM

I think porn is a form of infidelity, to a degree. But... That is a recent development. Only because of where it led. My H was only having sex with himself watching porn (until it wasn't enough, and he resorted to prostitutes). He was protective of his porn. It was part of the slope, for sure. And it helped exclude me as a sexual partner, for sure, as well.

I don't think it makes you a mad hatter, though.

craig2001 posted 2/24/2014 07:21 AM

When you say involved with pornography, I assume you mean just looking at it. Not in the pictures or movies?

IMO, no, looking at porn is not even close to having an affair.

LostSamurai posted 2/24/2014 08:10 AM

I agree that viewing porn and both agree that if both or one spouse is not ok with it then it shouldn't happen in the marriage. I am 3 years sober approaching the 4th. May 19th.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 10:06 AM, February 24th (Monday)]

DrivingPast posted 2/24/2014 11:51 AM

Just to note, lotssamurai, that cheating need not be accompanied by emotional connections.

SpotlessMind posted 2/24/2014 12:00 PM

Infidelity can be defined in many ways--including excessive gaming and financial infidelity (one spouse hiding spending over time from the other, and spending in a way the other spouse wouldn't approve of.)

I think if porn use is problematic for the non-using spouse, in terms of time spent away from M, deception in hiding amount and type of use, etc--then yes, it can qualify as "infidelity."

But "adultery" and "infidelity" are not the same. Though personally, I would feel VERY betrayed if my H used porn frequently vs. spending time with me, especially if he hid it from me.

Also, concur that no emotional connection is needed to commit adultery. I assume many ONS have little/none.

LostSamurai posted 2/24/2014 12:09 PM

Forgive me for my ignorance, but you are correct. You don't need emotional connection to commit adultery/infidelity.

That is interesting. Infidelity you consider on a wider scale than Adultery... Than in my wife's eyes have committed Infidelity numerous times, with my martial arts, gaming and porn use...

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