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Over four years out and our life together is pretty good. Can’t remember the last time we discussed the affair but we do have regular talks about what’s going on in our relationship. I’m not shy about asking my H when I ‘think’ something is upsetting him and he isn’t shy about sharing what he’s feeling ….big change from what it used to be.

Recently a business associate lied to H and basically, because H trusted this individual who he’s known for years, the associate was able to get away with it. When the truth finally came out, H was shocked and felt betrayed because this was not the relationship he thought they had. I’ve listened to my H work this out talking about how upsetting it was to realize he’d been deceived and his disgust and anger at the lack of integrity on the part of this associate. His distress is real and I can see his discomfort and pain.

A few years ago I would’ve been sarcastic and thrown out comments like “Welcome to my reality!” or Gee, can you think of anybody else that lies and doesn’t have any integrity?” or “Hmmmm, you think this might be a case of the pot calling the kettle black?”

But I didn’t say any of those things.

The irony of the situation went through my head as I listened to him and commiserated …agreeing you can’t trust anyone 100%...that it hurts when someone you trust uses that trust to take advantage of you and how it sucks when someone you trusted makes a fool of you, etc. etc.

I think this means I’ve come to the point where I care more about his well being than getting back at him by seeing him suffer. I have no interest in throwing this in his face while he’s so down. I’m really sorry he experienced this and know he has learned a hard lesson.

I do wonder, though, if he’ll ever see the connection between his actions and this associate’s and understand the discomfort he’s been dealing with is just a drop in the bucket of pain he filled for me.

I think it's awesome that you have gotten to that point!

My question was going to be your last one. I would think he should be able to get that connection right away. Hopefully he does.

I hope I get to that point someday. The urge to hang this over his head is so strong, but then again, this is still so raw for me. You are a very brave and sensible person!

I'm hoping he does too....he is still in the midst of it, but I think, in time, when he is not feeling so badly and the pain is no longer fresh, he will be able to 'see'.

(((ziganska))) Oh no ...not brave! Bravery is not one of my strong points!

But I've been lucky to have common sense return to me over the past few years...I'd lost that instinct after Dday.......

You will get there.....we all do because we are stronger than we think. And with the help and wisdom of the people here at SI, your ride on this roller coaster can be smoother.

I can't remember what it was, but about a month ago the BF was preaching about some bodies lack of ethics. I didn't go sarcastic, but I gave him this look like "who are you to judge that person?" He must've sensed my thoughts, or realized he was being a hypocrite, because he ended mid rant.