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Does the hurt and confusion ever end?

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EJ1611 posted 2/21/2014 16:42 PM

We had a baby 3 years ago, he is a beautiful little boy, a true gift from God. It was a very difficult pregnancy, he was a preemie, and he was colicky. H never helped me during pregnancy or with the baby's 4 months of never ending screaming. I do all of the bathing and feeding and bedtime story's and nightmare cuddles. I have been battling depression, and he has been gradually withdrawing. H said 6 weeks ago, as he was leaving to move in with HER, that he hasn't loved me since the baby was born. I have suspected the A since last Christmas (2012) when I discovered a necklace purchased by him and sent to some (the) other woman's house. He said it was for me and she was "helping him hide it to surprise me". I did end up with it but I saw the exact same one around her ugly ass neck in a picture. After that things went downhill, he suggested marriage counseling and we went for 4 months. I later found out that while he was lying to me, himself, and our counselor that he was screwing Hagzilla the entire time. He left me on the same day as we had our bankruptcy hearing. He says that wasn't planned. It was just 2 weeks after Christmas, 3 and days after our son's 3rd birthday. We have been together for 12 years. Our wedding rings say "my soul mate" in Gaelic. He has never been cruel to me, but now he is being so hateful. He takes our son to HER house every Wednesday and brings him back on Saturday or Sunday. I filed for my parental rights and for him to only get our son every other weekend, Thursday eve to Saturday morning. I tried to keep H from taking him and hid him at a friend's house for one weekend. In retaliation he has cut all of my utilities, my cell phone service, and my car insurance. He has already moved all of his things out of our house. He has only been gone for 43 days and he has filed for divorce, but he doesn't know that I know yet. He has threatened that he is going to keep our son and I will have to pay alimony and child support to him, as I make twice what he does. He says he has only been sleeping with her for 6 months, but my gut tells me it has been about 18 months. The kicker is, his mother is supporting his sinful choice. I wish I could stop going from sobbing to wanting to kill someone to being sick to my stomach. And I wish I could stop loving him. And I wish he would just man up and come home. He asks how I can forgive him. I told him I don't hate the sinner, I hate the sin, and forgiveness is mine to give.

norabird posted 2/21/2014 16:47 PM

What a full load this man has placed on you. Please don't think about forgiving him right now. Think about going and retaining the best divorce lawyer in town and nailing his ass to the wall. He CANNOT get away with treating you and your son like this. Do not let him. Put all of your energy into fighting him right now--yes, you still love him, but shut that down and put on your bitch boots so you can fight for your rights. there is no time for delaying or hoping he would come home--he is gone, he is the enemy, and he is showing you his true colors. Believe him and protect yourself!! You need a lawyer ASAP.

momof1girl posted 2/21/2014 17:46 PM

The hard answer is that no, the hurt and confusion don't ever end. You become stronger and better able to handle the feelings, but they never go away. It's been 4 months for me (finding out) and almost a year since his A started and I have times where I just want to curl up in a ball and never move. But, I find things to do and our daughter keeps me going. I have to do better and be better for her.
I also got a job the day after his confession, so that helped too. Once my job ended, I cemented my decision to go back to school.
My biggest pivotal point came when I finally decided at the end of last month to go NC with him unless it had to do with our daughter. At that time, I also decided to file for divorce... because, let's face it, I deserve so much better. This is a really sucky club to be a part of, but you will never find a more supportive bunch. Feel free to inbox me if you need to vent.

BAB61 posted 2/21/2014 22:55 PM

Get a L! Do not hesitate. He has abandoned you. He has betrayed you and he has threatened you.

He does not sound the least bit remorseful, in fact he sounds abusive to me.

You are still in shock. Take care of you! Eat, drink plenty of water, gentle exercise ... take care of your precious little boy.

Read the Healing Library (upper L corner, yellow box) and learn as much as you can about Wayward behavior.


EJ1611 posted 2/21/2014 23:35 PM

He left me on 1/9. I hired my lawyer on 1/13. Filed my petition for primary and child support on 1/17. He got served on 2/6. No mediation date yet. My lawyer told me was filing for divorce on 2/6, but the county clerk has no record as of yet. He is like 2 people. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, if you will. One minute he is kind, and then he remembers that "he doesn't love me anymore", and starts acting like an arse again. I found out through my stellar detective work that she is still married. I have her H's (and her parents) telly no. It is so tempting... I haven't reached that stage of vindictiveness yet. Not until the judge says I get what I want regarding my son. I probably shouldn't tell him where his toothbrush has been...

nolight posted 2/22/2014 00:21 AM

Uugh the selfishness of men like your husband (and my ex H) astounds me. I'm pleased you have a lawyer, just from reading your posts he seems the type to try for custody just to use you for an income.

I usually agree with informing the other spouse but as they are already separated and as your ex seems intent on making life hard for you I think that you should be as calm, collected and uninvolved as possible.

To answer your first question, yes, yes the hurt and confusion will end, you will find happiness, peace and joy again. I thought I would die from the pain, in fact I wanted to die and even considered suicide.

After a very traumatic and prolonged divorce I moved to another city. I remember one afternoon I was walking through a park on my way home from work, the spring had just started turning warm and I realised I had turned my face up to the sun and was smiling at the simple joy of being outside, hearing the birds in the warmth. It was a huge revelation to me at that moment that I was happy. There were still hard days ahead but I had turned a corner, these days I love my life, in fact the only time I've felt that pain again was when I stupidly took him back for a year(4 years later) he left me again for another woman and I learnt my lesson!

So again yes, it will go away, it may seem improbable and it will take time but you will recover from this jerk.

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