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Teabelly posted 2/21/2014 17:49 PM

Hello everyone again

If you'll recall from my previous post I am an expat, going through the pain of DDay which was just over a month ago now, by myself. Although I've had great support from family and friends from a distance.

I've been reading loads on this forum and it's clear to me that my WH has been having his cake and eating it. Living out during the week, hanging out with us at weekends, having hysterical bonding with me, etc etc.

In our case, it was the OW who ended the A, and this happened after WH exposed the A to me. She told my husband that her husband knew about their A. Should I therefore contact him or not? My family and friends think not, but what do you think? My WH has agreed a NC. I'm going to test that by asking to see his phone and PC later today.

I am also going to lay down some rules. My WH, who has been living out now for 3 weeks, has just signed a temporary lease for 3 months in a studio flat close to his work. He has started IC and I am starting next week then a bit further down the line, we have agreed to have MC. He says he wants to reconcile, but his actions, statements do not back this up to me completely. He's still in the fog although this is dissipating. What I am thinking of proposing / stating is that he comes and takes our children out on one of the weekend days, and sees them once during the week, so he can have a meal with them, put my youngest to bed and read a story, etc. I won't be there, I'm going to use that time to go to the gym. If he wants to see me separately, then he will have to suggest it, and pursue me. In other words, if he wants to meet for lunch, it's his suggestion. A date, he arranges it. Etc etc. I am proposing that we stop contact unless he pushes for it. Hard love from me? I was also going to suggest that if he does want to contact me, then it must be via phone, not email, text or what's app - the messages thru them can be so cold.

I'm scared by this as truthfully, I miss him, and I am worried it could backfire. But he needs to see me as the prize not the consolation prize. What do you think? Is this the right way to move forward?

Breezy150 posted 2/21/2014 18:42 PM

I think it is great. I understand being scared and it very well may backfire, but isn't it better to know if he is all in or not?

BAB61 posted 2/21/2014 22:48 PM

Boundaries are a good idea. I'm sorry you are alone geographically Teabelly! It helps to have someone IRL to talk to.

I personally think you should inform the OW's BH. She's a cheater and liar .. why would she be honest about that? hmmm?

Have you read the Healing Library? Upper L corner .. the yellow box.

I think the 180 is a good idea for where you are. IC for both is a good start. If your WH need to show true remorse, full-disclosure and transparency. That's what you NEED to heal.


norabird posted 2/21/2014 22:50 PM

This is absolutely the right way to move forward! It shows a lot of strength and fortitude. If he wants to be with you , he will work for you. And you are worth working for!!!!! I think it's great you are putting your needs first here. He has not been clearly, and it will build you up to draw these boundaries.

Hearty applause from my corner!

karmahappens posted 2/22/2014 05:14 AM

If he is willing to own his choices and repair his marriage it won't backfire.If he isn't, it won't be you that cause him to screw it up.

Honestly you are not asking for very much.

In order to have the chance I needed full transparency ( I didn't, and still 6 years later do not ask to see his phone or computer.) I have all passwords and access to anything at anytime.

I know where he is, who he is with and when he will be home. He no longer goes out for guys nights but occasionally will hang out with family.

Complete honesty and NC. If she contacts him in any manner, facebook, text, email , he is to let me know and not respond.


Answer my questions for as long as I need and whenever I needed.

Don't be afraid of requesting additional things as time goes by and your needs change.

If he wantes to win you back, help you heal and start on a path that will make your marriage stronger he is going to have to do a lot of heavy lifting.

I definitely think you need your visitation with the kids set in place.

Let him know he is going to have to win you back and get his shit together.

Draw your line in the sand and be prepared to stick to it.

Be good to you and demand he do the same. You deserve a loving, faithful spouse willing to work for you.

Teabelly posted 2/22/2014 05:44 AM

Update. Rather than ask to see his phone I'm afraid I was sneaky and had a glance when it was charging. I thought - why not! He's been honest so far in that he shown me his fb page, what's app contacts, etc etc. but hey presto - what did I see but texts from last night and a record of a phone call last night. Initiated by her I have to add, but he'd immediately jumped onto the contact like a dog to the bone. He caught me doing it so that was awkward, but at least it was then out in the open. So that then forced my decision. I emailed the OP asking why she had re initiated contact etc, and was honest with her over what we had been doing with a start to a reconciliation. I also emailed her husband with a factual timeline about the A. No emotion. It seems now that the sh@t has hit the fan as even tho she had said to my WH that she had told her husband, I don't believe she had.

Anyway she has now contacted WH with a short message saying it's really bad at her end and that she will not be in contact again.

WH is very cross with me, angry, as I have taken this away from him. And actually in many ways I am cross with myself too as one of the original issues with our M is that I take control, make decisions, etc etc without input from him. He's in a bad way, and at the moment I'd say any chance of a R seem very slim.

Anyway I am establishing The boundaries as from next weekend when he's in his own new apartment. Time will tell. I'm feeling very numb and filled with hopelessness.

nomistakeaboutit posted 2/22/2014 06:10 AM

WH is very cross with me, angry, as I have taken this away from him. And actually in many ways I am cross with myself too as one of the original issues with our M is that I take control, make decisions, etc etc without input from him. He's in a bad way, and at the moment I'd say any chance of a R seem very slim.

Tea belly,

My suggestion is to try hard to separate the M issues and the A-related issues. For example, you may have been too controlling in the M, but the aftermath of an A is different. Post-A life (at least in the near term) requires different behavior (180, for example) to help regain some normalcy.

So, looking at his phone post-A is not controlling, but is necessary, as you just learned in a very difficult way.

You did the right thing by notifying the other BS. He deserved to know. It's no surprise that the OW lied about telling him.

The plan you've already created still works we'll, even in light of your having discovered the recent communication between your H and OW.

If your h is remorseful! or becomes remorseful! you will recognize it and R will be POSSIBLE. If he is not remorseful or doesn't become remorseful, well, that will tell you what you need to know. I suggest trying to relax (impossible, I know) into your plan. Don't try to control the outcome. Let it appear and be willing to see it.

Best to you. Good luck. Hug those kids and let them see you smile as you tell them how much you love them.


million pieces posted 2/22/2014 08:02 AM

too controlling in the M

As I learned from my IC and many threads here, most of us were "controlling". As my IC put it, the wayward checks out of the marriage, we try to keep things going, and then get labeled controlling because we were keeping the family together. Remember he married you because you were a capable person, don't let him turn this around on you.

kalimata posted 2/22/2014 10:32 AM


What you did was absolutely right. The OW clearly did not tell her H, and your WH was clearly hoping that she didn't. He was holding out for her, plain and simple.

You need to show some tough love, my dear. If I were you, I would file D papers to show him you mean business.

What you've done now is that the A will still continue, but they will just be much more careful about contacting each other. Id be willing to bet that they have found alternative ways to keep in touch.

Your WH may SAY that he is sorry, but what has he actually DONE?

- Has he sent a NC letter to the OW?
- Has he offered to do a polygraph test?
- Has he gotten himself tested for STDs?
- Has he written out a timeline of the A?
- Has he given you all of his passwords?
- Has he gotten a new phone # and blocked the OW number for the new phone?
- Has he gotten a new email address and blocked OW from it?
- Has he offered you a post-nuptial agreement?
- Has he gotten on his hands and knees and begged forgiveness?
- Has he trembled in fear in front of you?

If he hasn't done any of these things, then he TRULY DOES NOT MEAN IT. Any sort of counseling or path towards reconciliation until he is demonstrating true remorse is pointless.

Stand up for yourself. Show him strength. Don't cave in.

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