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Ugh my weekly fight with her

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Bloozle posted 2/21/2014 17:53 PM

I'd been thinking we were longer in, but looking back at the dates, we're really only a month or so into REAL reconciliation. Walked in on my wife pressing the back button on her phone today (nothing untoward was going on), had flashbacks of all the phone secrecy which consumed my life during her affairs...and I blew up on her again.

I posted the other day about wanting to scream I HATE YOU right in her face, but I haven't done that. I did, on the other hand, pretty much let out all my feelings about how bad she treated me. I told her I felt this was *my* time and after how wrong she treated me, she just needed to accept it as a consequence of her actions, or move out. She cried the whole time and I did start to feel bad.

She complains, and she's right, that I've been going off on her every week. Twice this week. I told her in no uncertain terms that I wish I had kicked her out when I first found of the affair, instead of letting it continue like a gutless fool. I told her I got over my fear of being alone, and I don't care what happens, if we lose everything we have, if I have to quit my job, if the kids family has to be split up. EVER, EVER again and I will dump her in a heartbeat.

Some of this stuff I haven't told her before. But I am wondering if I need to hold back a bit more. Blowing up on her is going to end the marriage, if I keep it up, if I really want to R. We were in false R for a few months, so pretty much it's been three+ months of me blowing up every week.

Is there...some method to just forget about it for a while? God, I just want a break from it. Just a break from the whole thing. If I could keep my mind off it for a while, we could constructively get closer I believe.

KatyaCA posted 2/21/2014 19:22 PM

You need to get something to take that righteous anger out on. Can you get a boxing bag and when you feel like that go out to the garage, blast music and beat the crud out of a bag? You need to find a healthy outlet for your anger that is not her.

Your anger is normal, it is not unhealthy and it needs to come out. Unfortunately, taking it out repeatedly on her will damage your marriage further if you don't rein it in.

Physical outlets help.

marionwendy posted 2/21/2014 19:36 PM

I'm right there with you. I keep doing this. I feel fine and then bam! It hits me again. I'm trying harder to not freak out so much. WH told me that we can't move on if I keep getting so upset. I believe he is right. I need to learn to channel my anger. I'm going to the gym I think it helps. We are both hurting in different ways... Him for what he did to me and me for the pain he has caused. I do know for SURE if this ever happens again I will walk. No if ands or buts about it. With that in mind I actually find it a little easier. I will never trust anyone 100% again! I will always trust my guy next time on any situation.

Can you try to go for a walk when your angry? Or go to the gym? Maybe try to be alone with your thoughts next time to see if you calm down. These things work for me.

I hear you and completely get it!

Bloozle posted 2/21/2014 19:56 PM

Agreed I've got to keep it to myself more...she has taken a lot of crap talk her way. I do have a punching bag, need to get back in shape anyway. Will try it!

Thessalian posted 2/21/2014 22:51 PM

I was in the same boat. I knew it was unhealthy but I was reaming WH every night with blame and anger. It was just beating him down and making me feel worse, and I knew it wasn't helping anyone, and I knew it would destroy any good feelings we had left if I kept it up, but I simply couldn't make myself stop.

I know most people here don't advocate for this, but I finally realized I couldn't break the cycle unless we separated. He moved out, we see each other once a week, it's working wonders for both of us. His rental is close by the house, and we still talk during the week over the phone, and he is working on him, but man did I need a break and some space to chill out. Glad I have it.

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