I'd been thinking we were longer in, but looking back at the dates, we're really only a month or so into REAL reconciliation. Walked in on my wife pressing the back button on her phone today (nothing untoward was going on), had flashbacks of all the phone secrecy which consumed my life during her affairs...and I blew up on her again.
I posted the other day about wanting to scream I HATE YOU right in her face, but I haven't done that. I did, on the other hand, pretty much let out all my feelings about how bad she treated me. I told her I felt this was *my* time and after how wrong she treated me, she just needed to accept it as a consequence of her actions, or move out. She cried the whole time and I did start to feel bad.
She complains, and she's right, that I've been going off on her every week. Twice this week. I told her in no uncertain terms that I wish I had kicked her out when I first found of the affair, instead of letting it continue like a gutless fool. I told her I got over my fear of being alone, and I don't care what happens, if we lose everything we have, if I have to quit my job, if the kids family has to be split up. EVER, EVER again and I will dump her in a heartbeat.
Some of this stuff I haven't told her before. But I am wondering if I need to hold back a bit more. Blowing up on her is going to end the marriage, if I keep it up, if I really want to R. We were in false R for a few months, so pretty much it's been three+ months of me blowing up every week.
Is there...some method to just forget about it for a while? God, I just want a break from it. Just a break from the whole thing. If I could keep my mind off it for a while, we could constructively get closer I believe.