This is long, sorry.
Living in two houses. I left in December. I assumed she had paid bills January, that was my understanding. I'm also paying the mortgage since I left (plus my rent)
Paid the mortgage again on the 1st. On the 15th, I send her enough for her to pay the bills and screenshots of the account numbers for each company from the bill pay program. She spends the money instead and then says "she doesn't have the mailing addresses" to add them to the bill pay (she could have said that last month). Apparently she didn't pay the bills last month either.
So she's starving me out via demands and financial noncompliance. When I being it up, she says she doesn't have any money (no, just 2 trust funds with homes that aren't under restraining order).
So I pay the freaking bills. I don't want to go to jail or be held in contempt. She obviously doesn't care, as there's always an excuse. I emailed her with a careful account of the payments, the addresses of all the bills (with a picture of the bill) and mentioning her cooperation level would be noted.
So she starts the vulnerable narcissistic moves. She texts how sorry she is, how one sided things were on poor old her. She is sorry for all the pain (that's her standard fallback). She disappointed me time and time again... But she is a good mother (which she is, if you don't count the tremendous damage to the kids from having the A), etc.
So I blew up, and completely screwed up NC. All sorts of new hurt now. I told her it would take me a lifetime to recover. That I was learning new boundaries because of her emotional abuse and that was the reason I wasn't contacting her, because I can't trust I won't be manipulated anymore. That it hurt me more than my mother's death. That at least she has him while I have nothing. I listed what I think were my failings and how I'll never know which were what, because she didn't want to recover and tell me the truth and the full timeline and feelings. I told her she will never find someone who loves her like I do.
So we had a long conversation over text. Apparently I'm the best man she's ever met, I'm awesome, blah blah. And that she never badmouths me ("gee, thanks!"
and she's happy we got to talk.
I told her she hurt our children. Our DD will need therapy over this one day, and she doesn't know yet but she's smarter than we both think she'll find out. She blamed me for coming down like a sledgehammer during MC. I told her she damaged herself more than she understands. She said she knows this. I told her OM is seriously damaged as well. She said "there's much about me she continues to love" (ya, my capacity to earn money and my gullibility).
Since this was a man from her past (I didn't tell her I know about her letters - see my post history), I told her I was wondering if the OM was me.
She denied having had any As or anything before last year. Which I think I believe. She finally accepted that seeing old friends was fine, but seeing old boyfriends was a boundary issue, she said "Boundaries, I know that now" (that's new).
She says he's not going to be in her life and that she was foolish, that he was a mistake. I tried to get her to actually write "I don't love him" and she couldn't, she said he's not around anymore. I told her she should practice saying it. Not for me, but for the kids, so that their mother didn't become that creep's booty call, ruining her life every time he wants her (I know I'm biased, but even from an objective standpoint, they are seriously bad for each other).
I told her I want her happiness, so that my kids can grow up with a stable mother. That if I knew OM was going to give her stability and make her happy I'd be all for it, but that's clearly not the case.
I explained that hurt and anger are two different things, and that she needs to learn that if she's ever going to have a functional relationship. I was truthful and stern, but always polite. Like I've always been.
We ended up changing the conversation back to the kids.
She called today about a kid thing and I didn't answer, I'm back to NC. I'm exhausted for unloading. As of today I have had the kids more than she has, *and* I have the kids now solid from tonight until early March, since she's going to put her mother in convalescent care after her operation and then she goes on that fun trip she refused to cancel (instead of hustling to get a job like she should be - I helped her with my resume myself in December when we thought we were going to R still). My L says that behavior is the kind of thing that's great to quietly note on the custody hearing.
So she got her "I destroyed his life" ego kibbles, the "I took all his money this month and all the savings he has access to" ego kibbles, and the "I'm going on vacation next week while he takes care of my kids" ego kibbles. All in one day! And left me drained financially, emotionally and time-wise. She's a f***n vampire.
I can't wait to be divorced and just care about how much the monthly check (my pint of blood) is going to be. Custody hearing is next month. I was able, since it was text messages, to avoid talking about all the evidence I have of her behavior (a portion of which I'll probably bring up in the context of psychological damage to our kids, the other portion in case it goes to trial).
I hope we can have an agreement on custody before going in though. I'd win on trial, but I want an agreement (my L says her L has an attitude of "too big for her britches", so she went to find another narcissist - a bad sign for consensus).
I married an emotional infant. I just didn't know it because I treated her so well she didn't have occasion to become crazy in 18 years. But the walking on eggshells feeling was there for the last few years.
Thanks for letting me vent. Comments welcome.
[This message edited by GotPlayed at 7:00 PM, February 21st, 2014 (Friday)]