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Reverse Financial Starvation and Push/Pull at the same time

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GotPlayed posted 2/21/2014 18:58 PM

This is long, sorry.

Living in two houses. I left in December. I assumed she had paid bills January, that was my understanding. I'm also paying the mortgage since I left (plus my rent)

Paid the mortgage again on the 1st. On the 15th, I send her enough for her to pay the bills and screenshots of the account numbers for each company from the bill pay program. She spends the money instead and then says "she doesn't have the mailing addresses" to add them to the bill pay (she could have said that last month). Apparently she didn't pay the bills last month either.

So she's starving me out via demands and financial noncompliance. When I being it up, she says she doesn't have any money (no, just 2 trust funds with homes that aren't under restraining order).

So I pay the freaking bills. I don't want to go to jail or be held in contempt. She obviously doesn't care, as there's always an excuse. I emailed her with a careful account of the payments, the addresses of all the bills (with a picture of the bill) and mentioning her cooperation level would be noted.

So she starts the vulnerable narcissistic moves. She texts how sorry she is, how one sided things were on poor old her. She is sorry for all the pain (that's her standard fallback). She disappointed me time and time again... But she is a good mother (which she is, if you don't count the tremendous damage to the kids from having the A), etc.

So I blew up, and completely screwed up NC. All sorts of new hurt now. I told her it would take me a lifetime to recover. That I was learning new boundaries because of her emotional abuse and that was the reason I wasn't contacting her, because I can't trust I won't be manipulated anymore. That it hurt me more than my mother's death. That at least she has him while I have nothing. I listed what I think were my failings and how I'll never know which were what, because she didn't want to recover and tell me the truth and the full timeline and feelings. I told her she will never find someone who loves her like I do.

So we had a long conversation over text. Apparently I'm the best man she's ever met, I'm awesome, blah blah. And that she never badmouths me ("gee, thanks!" and she's happy we got to talk.
I told her she hurt our children. Our DD will need therapy over this one day, and she doesn't know yet but she's smarter than we both think she'll find out. She blamed me for coming down like a sledgehammer during MC. I told her she damaged herself more than she understands. She said she knows this. I told her OM is seriously damaged as well. She said "there's much about me she continues to love" (ya, my capacity to earn money and my gullibility).

Since this was a man from her past (I didn't tell her I know about her letters - see my post history), I told her I was wondering if the OM was me.

She denied having had any As or anything before last year. Which I think I believe. She finally accepted that seeing old friends was fine, but seeing old boyfriends was a boundary issue, she said "Boundaries, I know that now" (that's new).

She says he's not going to be in her life and that she was foolish, that he was a mistake. I tried to get her to actually write "I don't love him" and she couldn't, she said he's not around anymore. I told her she should practice saying it. Not for me, but for the kids, so that their mother didn't become that creep's booty call, ruining her life every time he wants her (I know I'm biased, but even from an objective standpoint, they are seriously bad for each other).

I told her I want her happiness, so that my kids can grow up with a stable mother. That if I knew OM was going to give her stability and make her happy I'd be all for it, but that's clearly not the case.

I explained that hurt and anger are two different things, and that she needs to learn that if she's ever going to have a functional relationship. I was truthful and stern, but always polite. Like I've always been.

We ended up changing the conversation back to the kids.

She called today about a kid thing and I didn't answer, I'm back to NC. I'm exhausted for unloading. As of today I have had the kids more than she has, *and* I have the kids now solid from tonight until early March, since she's going to put her mother in convalescent care after her operation and then she goes on that fun trip she refused to cancel (instead of hustling to get a job like she should be - I helped her with my resume myself in December when we thought we were going to R still). My L says that behavior is the kind of thing that's great to quietly note on the custody hearing.

So she got her "I destroyed his life" ego kibbles, the "I took all his money this month and all the savings he has access to" ego kibbles, and the "I'm going on vacation next week while he takes care of my kids" ego kibbles. All in one day! And left me drained financially, emotionally and time-wise. She's a f***n vampire.

I can't wait to be divorced and just care about how much the monthly check (my pint of blood) is going to be. Custody hearing is next month. I was able, since it was text messages, to avoid talking about all the evidence I have of her behavior (a portion of which I'll probably bring up in the context of psychological damage to our kids, the other portion in case it goes to trial).

I hope we can have an agreement on custody before going in though. I'd win on trial, but I want an agreement (my L says her L has an attitude of "too big for her britches", so she went to find another narcissist - a bad sign for consensus).

I married an emotional infant. I just didn't know it because I treated her so well she didn't have occasion to become crazy in 18 years. But the walking on eggshells feeling was there for the last few years.

Thanks for letting me vent. Comments welcome.

[This message edited by GotPlayed at 7:00 PM, February 21st, 2014 (Friday)]

nowiknow23 posted 2/21/2014 19:07 PM

1. Skip the middle man with the bills. Pay them yourself so you know the money is going where it's supposed to go.

2. Back on the NC wagon with you. Sending you strength to maintain.

littlefoggy posted 2/21/2014 19:22 PM


MC_Jack posted 2/21/2014 19:51 PM

Whoops! Wrong thread.


I married an emotional infant.

^^^I feel that way too - well maybe an 11 year old brat. Not sure it is our jobs to 'grow them up' at this point. I like the practical advice above as well.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 7:55 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

LifeIsBroken posted 2/21/2014 20:43 PM

I'm with NIK. Pay them all yourself and be sure to have copies of everything when you go to court or custody hearing or wherever you go next. You want it noted in court that you had to take back all bill paying to ensure they actually were paid and you have the proof she wasn't paying them, i.e., not so responsible. That she didn't pay them could actually be in your favor.

myowndystopia posted 2/21/2014 22:32 PM

Yep... Pay them yourself.

gonnabe2016 posted 2/21/2014 22:33 PM

Are there any type of temporary orders in place for you?

GotPlayed posted 2/21/2014 23:59 PM

Yes. That's the annoying part. Everything I own is under orders because it's all marital property. She has no such restrictions on her trusts, as they are separate entities.

So I keep paying the bills, she keeps pretending she has no money and refusing to leverage fully-paid real estate (she could easily get a HELOC and help out). It's ok, she doesn't want to go to trial, and she keeps making it worse and worse for herself. We are both responsible for our bills. Can't avoid them. And she has the means, yet claims poverty. I'm a guy and my kids are young. We can all eat on noodles while she goes on vacation and then go stand in front of a judge, explaining ourselves. I have a long view.

No biggie, at the end she'll owe me. My L says that no matter how much support she ends up entitled to per month at the end of this, her current behavior will mean I won't have to pay for a few months, as these bills represent her living expenses after separation, as she owes me for way more than formula.

Softcentre posted 2/22/2014 00:04 AM

Gently, don't blame her for you falling off the NC wagon. You GAVE her the ego kibbles, of course she'll take them if offered (and I am not defending her in any way) - your anger about that is misdirected: you're probably angry at yourself for breaking NC and hurt that she's still unremorseful. Work on yourself,don't try to fix her or your M.

And well done for going back to NC

BAB61 posted 2/22/2014 00:11 AM

Dang it .... back to crickets GP!!

careerlady posted 2/22/2014 00:35 AM

Your STBX is an irresponsible POS that doesn't own her actions. But gen we kind of knew that without breaking NC. Not that I blame you since I'm the last to preach but this was a cold hard lesson in why you need to stay NC. You're hurt and emotionally reeling and she's happily gorging herself on your kibbles as a reward for her misbehavior

God I hate waywards

GotPlayed posted 2/22/2014 00:50 AM

Thank you @Softcentre, you're absolutely right. That one is on me. I still have a lot to learn about freeing from codependency.

Careerlady and BAB, thank you. It's good to hear from women on this and you two (and cayc) always seem to have my back. It's important to hear from women because I always want to parse out and understand how much of my behavior could go over the line as the guy and the provider very real responsibilities versus actual justice for her waywardness. Because I never dreamed I'd be in a position like this, I can lose sight of that line at times, and you wonderful ladies keep me centered. So if I behave like a troglodyte don't be afraid of giving me a 2x4 again.

Thank you again.

careerlady posted 2/22/2014 01:10 AM

GotPlayed you have been a gentleman to a fault. It really sucks you have to support 2 households while she galavants around. It's so unfair and I wouldn't have blamed you if you were nastier

stronger08 posted 2/22/2014 04:24 AM

If she has money to vacation alone, she has money to pay the bills. Don't dig yourself into a hole because she cant be responsible with finances. Does she have any income ? Where is she getting money to vacation on ? Many unanswered questions here. This bitch is trying to manipulate you and show you who holds the power. And at this point she is winning. Stop being a nice guy and take the bull by the horns. Don't send her any monies if she is not paying expenses. Pay them yourself directly. She is pissing away your hard earned money while she merrily skips along in life. If you pay them yourself at least you don't have to send her the money as well. You are saving by doing that. NC is great, but children and finances are the exception. And sure as shit the exceptions are causing you harm. Its up to you to stop this. In doing so you are not violating the terms of NC. What she is doing is just another form of abuse. Fuck her !!!!!

Thefly559 posted 2/22/2014 06:18 AM

Sorry to hear you broke nc. But glad you are back on track. The money thing is a problem I also have. It is horrible the torture we continue to face from these animals. Yes my word for them because humans do not act like this. Stay strong

Freeme posted 2/22/2014 07:36 AM

Yea, breaking NC is bad. Glad you are back on it. Also, I agree that you should directly pay the bills and not give her the money. She can't ask you to pay for her vacation but she can stash the cash you already sent and ask you to pay the bills again.

You say just one more month but on these boards we know that things drag on, especially when the WS wants things to drag on.

BTW, your English and writing are very good, if you had not commented many times that you are not from here I wouldn't have know.

GotPlayed posted 2/22/2014 13:00 PM

Yep. Just heard my DD8 got a pink laptop computer too. Just this week. Of course it's at her mom's house. I guess it's not a big deal, but that could have gone for bills if she had been upfront about paying them. But she wants nothing else than to continue living the high life without working.

She has a tiny income from the state because of the severity of our special needs child's issues - and she gets some money off the rental of her properties in trust (shared with MIL). Of course the kid is with me over half the time now, so that's going to become an issue on D. She had been floating wanting to find a part time job to supplement since a couple months before DDay (I think it was the guilt). After D-Day she stepped up that search, complained there weren't any jobs this close to XMas, and I helped revamp her resume up to about 6 days before I left.

January she said she had found a short term job, but then she must have spoken to her L or someone who advised her not to take it because I didn't hear anything back. Her D filing alleges she can't work. My L says that's going to be an evident lie, since I have the kids half time and I can carry a full time, high pressure job.

Out of respect to my kid, I'm not asking any questions about STBXWW or her life, so I don't have a way of knowing. It could be she actually did secure that job and has been getting paid off the table. If this is the case (I hope it is), it's going to be a fun negotiation.

So unless something drastic happens, I may need to take this to trial.

Thanks everyone. Definitely paying the bills myself from now on. She can't be trusted.

[This message edited by GotPlayed at 1:00 PM, February 22nd, 2014 (Saturday)]

GotPlayed posted 2/22/2014 13:51 PM

Hah, apparently the computer was a toy one. So this has turned me paranoid. :)

Kajem posted 2/22/2014 18:31 PM

Suggestions: you pay the bills send her copies of them. That way she can start keeping a record of what she is going to owe you.

If you are obligated to keep her household running until other arrangements are worked out: pay her in gift cards. If she needs groceries -give her a gift card from the grocery store. If you pay to fuel her car-gas card! Kids need shoes/clothes -gift are in the amount of your choosing. Stores DO NOT give cash back on those cards-you will not be bank rolling her extracurricular activities.

Just a thought.

GotPlayed posted 2/22/2014 19:52 PM

I am under no obligation to send her anything, only to pay for the bills. Her L asked for a "fast response" to make it look like a crisis, my L said there's no reason not to wait to file a response until the last day. It will send the message that they aren't in control of the process. And he's right.

So I paid for the bills and sent her a copy of the bill pay listing. And I'll continue doing that.

But not a cent in cash, whatsoever.

Kajem, that's a good idea, but someone suggested something even better. Just wait, don't send her money (I won't even have money anyway). If she complains there's no food (she'll probably say there's no milk, or come up with some crisis of "the basics" for histrionic value), I'll go buy some, put it on her porch, and then send her a text with the receipt and letting her know milk and eggs are on her porch and she can pick it up, and that I'll add it to the transaction log for her house.

She'll get the picture and hopefully get a job. She gets what she explicitly asks for, for my kids. She no longer gets a red cent. No money, no extracurricular activities, because OM won't pay for anything at all..

And if he does, she's being supported by her lover.


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