From what I've seen/read here the only reason they ask for time is too continue the A or start their own filing.
As they say hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
He is a cheater who asked for a separation and moved out, all while remaining in contact with his OW.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
You file now because you care enough about yourself to know that you don't deserve to be treated this way and you aren't going to tolerate it anymore.
So there is really nothing to be gained.
Yes there is. I'm in Canada too. Legal separation does have gains.
- Allows you to start healing quicker.
- Gets the finances split totally: as long as you aren't legally sep, everything he spends is marital funds, and he up the marital debt, which you will be half responsible for. ie. if he needs to buy furniture and stuff for his new place, pay rent, etc it's marital funds. It's a lot easier to not have him spending marital funds than try to get it back later.
- Has you getting CS and/or SS now...right now, if he decides to stop giving you money for the rent/mortgage, pay for kids expenses or whatever, you have no recourse to make him.
- doing the LS gives him the deadline you mentioned...you have told him he must get IC etc if he wanted to come back. No need to give another deadline....if he isn't doing it, you need to protect yourself
- Everything in the LS becomes your D papers later.
- It lets him know you are serious. No more fence sitting.
- It gives him a taste of what his new life will look like.
I waited about 6 weeks to see a mediator with him to write up the papers. That was because I work for the school board, so I waited until school was done so I could concentrate on it. We signed them in August, with the date of Sep showing as Dday.
I'm not saying run out tomorrow and file them. You need a little time to get your feet under yourself, and get use to your new reality. But as long as you haven't gotten those papers done up, really? He has no incentive to do anything. Why should he? He's still married, and believes you are sitting there waiting for him. His financial situation hasn't changed. He can try it out with the OW to see if it's going to work. He believes he can come back if he feels like it, but doesn't have to do any work. You will cave. He knows it, because you haven't done anything.
If he's moved out, at least set up what YOU want for custody now as far as he sees the kids on certain nights, EOW, or whatever. Right now, he believes he can walk in and out of your house and do whatever he wants, see the kids when he feels like it, etc. He needs to SEE your boundaries. THAT, more than just leaving things, lets him know if he doesn't pick you, that his reality has changed.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
Here's the thing though - right now, you are focusing on the little snapshots and not seeing the big picture. The big picture is that your husband had an A, hurt you and your children beyond belief, lied continuously, used you as a back up plan for as long as he could, and eventually ran away. He's a selfish, self centered coward who had no regard for you, a loving and faithful wife.
Big picture wise - does it matter that he was surprised you didn't make him lunch? Does it matter that the house smelled delicious and that you seemed breezy and wonderful in the face of his stupid antics? Would it really matter, with all this toxic water under the bridge and the pain he's caused, if he pulled his head out of his ass? Do you believe he can do the work it would take to overcome this unspeakable trauma and the fact that he chose to leave his wife and children behind?
These are the things that will come to you more and more as you are away from him and go NC as much as possible. These are the hard questions and shitty, ugly things that need to be examined. The big picture and how you see yourself, your worth, and your life is what matters now. Not him.
You didn't want this change. I get that. None of us did. But, at some point you have to stop wrestling with the minutia of whatever dumb thing he says or whatever look he throws your way and start really seeing him for who he is. He has some fundamental and serious character flaws that will likely never ever change. Now that you see him, it's pretty hard to unsee him.
Of course you still love and miss him. There is unfortunately no way to circumvent that. Filing doesn't mean you are no longer hurt and you will be happy about getting D. It means you are protecting yourself and your children financially and it means you are telling him what you will and will not tolerate emotionally.
Take control of this. He's not going to. Cowards don't take control.
Question- how long do I give this before going to my lawyer to discuss legal separation
He left so he could continue his A without you interfering. And he is stringing you along. This is called cake eating and it is a win-win for him (he gets OW and you) and a lose-lose for you (you lose him AND your self respect). Why would he make a decision that would end his win-win situation? He HAS made a decision and that decision is to keep his A alive while stringing his M along as a back up plan. THAT is his decision. Now you need to make a decisions -- Do you want to be a back up plan or not? If you enjoy being a backup plan then by all means don't file and keep allowing him to string you along hoping that he will throw you crumbs now and then. If you do not enjoy being a back up plan, then file as soon as you possibly can.
One final note: I do not believe in the "fog". WS make very clear decisions when they have an A. It only seems foggy to a BS because we cannot comprehend that the person we love would be so selfish and hurt us so brutally. But they do and they do it with a clear mind and a clear conscious.
Talk to your L about having to sell the house. There may be a way to keep it for you and the kids for a few years before you sell. There are a lot of options out there and you can always "shop" for a lawyer you feel a repoire with.
I edit often because my tablet is possessed!
[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 9:36 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]