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Klove posted 2/21/2014 20:25 PM

My wh asked for a trial separation to "figure things out".
He has moved out. I know he is still in contact with ap.
I fully believe- don't ask me why- that he is going to realize how sorry he is that he left. I might be wrong- but I know the sorry sob.
Question- how long do I give this before going to my lawyer to discuss legal separation (always comes first in canada) with child support, custody, serious shit, etc. 2 mos? 6 mos? I sont fucking want to be dragged along behind this boat any longer, but I may want to give him a chance? I dont know how I'll feel. I'm on day 1 of separation. Im holding a strong 180.

lilacs40 posted 2/21/2014 20:49 PM

Keep being strong. Personally I wouldn't give it too long. WH wanted me to do that. I said that he could take all the time in the world and while he was deciding I would be filing for D.

From what I've seen/read here the only reason they ask for time is too continue the A or start their own filing.

As they say hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Good luck.

million pieces posted 2/21/2014 20:55 PM

I can't say this is the best, but what I did was immediately see a lawyer and draw everything up. The second he stopped giving me money for the house/kids/etc, I called my lawyer and filed. But I live in MD with no legal separation and a mandatory 1 yr living apart, so there was no rush for me prior to a year. Still took an additional 12 months for a trial date and another 5 months for a verdict

Klove posted 2/21/2014 21:00 PM

I've seen a lawyer and have all the info to start the legal process. I just got my own bank account, cc, line of credit for fees. I'm ready and he knows.
I have agreed to this trial separation before reading this board. I believed he wanted to work things out. I told him ic was a must- but now I want to give him a timeline. I was thinking 2 months from today?

gonnabe2016 posted 2/21/2014 21:05 PM

Why wait?
He doesn't need time to "figure" anything out. He just wants to be out of there so that he's not under your microscope. He's a boomerang. Why do you want to be married to a boomerang?

He is a cheater who asked for a separation and moved out, all while remaining in contact with his OW.
File Monday.

Klove posted 2/21/2014 21:25 PM

There is no race to file. We live in canada. Separation for 1 year and divorce- no fault. So there is really nothing to be gained. I would have thought he would begun to do stuff like cut off credit card, consult a lawyer, take off his wedding ring, delete me off our shared calendar on our phones. He usually does that shit when things get "real". He's done none. Maybe he thinks I will cave and allow him back into his house of comfort. No fucking wayyyy.
I think ow is getting tired of her o status and is pushing.

gonnabe2016 posted 2/21/2014 21:35 PM

What you will gain is power over your own life....and the acknowledgment to yourself that you won't allow anyone, especially your own husband, to put anyone before you.
You file, get your temporary orders and then the 1 year waiting period starts. That filing and order can be rescinded at any time during the 1 year period.
Part of the reason that I'm saying this is because your original Dday was almost 1.5 years ago. If you don't take a hard line at some point, he is just going to continue to do this back-and-forth-between-OW-and-wife dance.
This type of behavior from him is severely damaging to your emotional health--even though you may not realize it right now.

You file now because you care enough about yourself to know that you don't deserve to be treated this way and you aren't going to tolerate it anymore.

devistatedmom posted 2/21/2014 21:47 PM

So there is really nothing to be gained.

Yes there is. I'm in Canada too. Legal separation does have gains.

- Allows you to start healing quicker.
- Gets the finances split totally: as long as you aren't legally sep, everything he spends is marital funds, and he up the marital debt, which you will be half responsible for. ie. if he needs to buy furniture and stuff for his new place, pay rent, etc it's marital funds. It's a lot easier to not have him spending marital funds than try to get it back later.
- Has you getting CS and/or SS now...right now, if he decides to stop giving you money for the rent/mortgage, pay for kids expenses or whatever, you have no recourse to make him.
- doing the LS gives him the deadline you have told him he must get IC etc if he wanted to come back. No need to give another deadline....if he isn't doing it, you need to protect yourself
- Everything in the LS becomes your D papers later.
- It lets him know you are serious. No more fence sitting.
- It gives him a taste of what his new life will look like.

I waited about 6 weeks to see a mediator with him to write up the papers. That was because I work for the school board, so I waited until school was done so I could concentrate on it. We signed them in August, with the date of Sep showing as Dday.

I'm not saying run out tomorrow and file them. You need a little time to get your feet under yourself, and get use to your new reality. But as long as you haven't gotten those papers done up, really? He has no incentive to do anything. Why should he? He's still married, and believes you are sitting there waiting for him. His financial situation hasn't changed. He can try it out with the OW to see if it's going to work. He believes he can come back if he feels like it, but doesn't have to do any work. You will cave. He knows it, because you haven't done anything.

If he's moved out, at least set up what YOU want for custody now as far as he sees the kids on certain nights, EOW, or whatever. Right now, he believes he can walk in and out of your house and do whatever he wants, see the kids when he feels like it, etc. He needs to SEE your boundaries. THAT, more than just leaving things, lets him know if he doesn't pick you, that his reality has changed.

Mom4ever posted 2/22/2014 02:06 AM

File Monday. The year waiting period can be his "time to figure things out". Take a stand and show yourself and your kids that you deserve to be treated with respect. This weekend make a list of what you want and what it would take for you to give him a chance to work on it. Then sit back and watch his actions. His actions will speak louder than any of his words. If he does what you have already told him (IC, MC, full admission, timeline, full disclosure, transparency, repentance, no contact with ap, etc), you can stop the legal process, right? Meanwhile, if he doesn't show you anything with his actions, in 2 months or 6 months or whatever, you will be that much further down the road toward your healing for you and your kids.

Klove posted 2/22/2014 05:37 AM

I texted him a very clear schedule to see the kids with exact pick up and drop off times. I guess what I do not want to rush, stupidly, is the sale of our home. Right now he is living rent free and still paying for everything. Our home is beautiful- a dream home we built together that would sell really fast. Neither of us can afford to keep it on our own so if finances are split, home is sold. I's dumb. But I just think if he fucking gets out of the fucking fog and is willing to do the work...ugh, am I being foolish? Give it to me. i appreciate your honesty.
Wh came this am to pick the kids up for skiing (they race- so He's going to the hill one weekend, me the next.)
Since he just moved out last night I didn't expect him to be able to make their lunch, etc and the food at the hill was packed. When he came to get them, the house smelled like delicious coffee (his bro has a keurig which he can't stand- coffee snob) and I said- "I packed the boys a lunch." And he snorted " lunch for me?" I just looked at him and very quietly with a smile said- "not my job to look after you anymore..." And hugged and kissed each kiddo with a big smile and told them to have a great day.
5 mins outta the driveway I get...
"Thanks for making them lunch. You seem well and that makes me happy. Have a good day."
Not sure if that is sincere or sarcastic... But no response from me...

suckstobeme posted 2/22/2014 06:15 AM

Your posts are breaking my heart. You are in that mode where you are analyzing everything he says and does and hoping to God that life will just go back to normal. I was exactly where you are 3 years ago and I'm so sorry another person has to go through that. It truly is torture.

Here's the thing though - right now, you are focusing on the little snapshots and not seeing the big picture. The big picture is that your husband had an A, hurt you and your children beyond belief, lied continuously, used you as a back up plan for as long as he could, and eventually ran away. He's a selfish, self centered coward who had no regard for you, a loving and faithful wife.

Big picture wise - does it matter that he was surprised you didn't make him lunch? Does it matter that the house smelled delicious and that you seemed breezy and wonderful in the face of his stupid antics? Would it really matter, with all this toxic water under the bridge and the pain he's caused, if he pulled his head out of his ass? Do you believe he can do the work it would take to overcome this unspeakable trauma and the fact that he chose to leave his wife and children behind?

These are the things that will come to you more and more as you are away from him and go NC as much as possible. These are the hard questions and shitty, ugly things that need to be examined. The big picture and how you see yourself, your worth, and your life is what matters now. Not him.

You didn't want this change. I get that. None of us did. But, at some point you have to stop wrestling with the minutia of whatever dumb thing he says or whatever look he throws your way and start really seeing him for who he is. He has some fundamental and serious character flaws that will likely never ever change. Now that you see him, it's pretty hard to unsee him.

Klove posted 2/22/2014 07:23 AM

Ughhhh barf. Forgive me. This is new and right now, I still love and miss the bastard.
I guess the other reason I'm holding off is that, FOR ONCE I want him to make a fucking decision. I have done alllll the work here and I feel like he needs to man up and end the marriage if that's what he wants. This probably sounds counterintuitive. But this guy hasn't told anyone we've separated. If I did- he would get to tell everyone that I gave up. Doesn't matter to me- truly. They alll either no the diff or not. I just want him to take responsibility for once.
For now, I'm ok leaving things here....that likely will not last as things get clearer...

movingforward13 posted 2/22/2014 07:48 AM

You need to file on Monday and go no contact.
Your husband is fence sitting... And he will sit on that damn fence as long as you let him. Kick him off the fence, FILE! Show him you are serious and he can not come back to you when he feels ready to.

suckstobeme posted 2/22/2014 08:08 AM

Sweetie, stop with the excuses. He's not going to make a decision. If he didn't do it in the M, don't expect it now.

Of course you still love and miss him. There is unfortunately no way to circumvent that. Filing doesn't mean you are no longer hurt and you will be happy about getting D. It means you are protecting yourself and your children financially and it means you are telling him what you will and will not tolerate emotionally.

Take control of this. He's not going to. Cowards don't take control.

LifeIsBroken posted 2/22/2014 08:19 AM

Klove: Your remark about wanting HIM to make a decision for once brought back 'memories.' During my xh's IC, he shared with me that he told his IC he resented me making all the decisions. IC asked him why he didn't make any decisions. XH said he didn't want to make any decisions, it was easier to let LIB carry the ball. IC asked him how that was fair to lifeisbroken…. to let LIB make the decisions then resent me for having done it. XH agreed it probably wasn't fair to LIB. But he wasn't willing to change because, in his words, "I don't want to work that hard." XH was sharing this with me, I began crying and said, "You have NO idea how many times I wanted you to take the initiative, I waited for you to make decisions, but you wouldn't step up to the plate." I reminded him, "I'm not your mother." But that's how I felt so many times. We always talked about larger financial issues/purchases, but that was it. The day to day was always left to me to work out. I can tell you, I do not miss the babysitting.

Dreamboat posted 2/22/2014 08:32 AM

Question- how long do I give this before going to my lawyer to discuss legal separation

24 hours.

He left so he could continue his A without you interfering. And he is stringing you along. This is called cake eating and it is a win-win for him (he gets OW and you) and a lose-lose for you (you lose him AND your self respect). Why would he make a decision that would end his win-win situation? He HAS made a decision and that decision is to keep his A alive while stringing his M along as a back up plan. THAT is his decision. Now you need to make a decisions -- Do you want to be a back up plan or not? If you enjoy being a backup plan then by all means don't file and keep allowing him to string you along hoping that he will throw you crumbs now and then. If you do not enjoy being a back up plan, then file as soon as you possibly can.

One final note: I do not believe in the "fog". WS make very clear decisions when they have an A. It only seems foggy to a BS because we cannot comprehend that the person we love would be so selfish and hurt us so brutally. But they do and they do it with a clear mind and a clear conscious.

Klove posted 2/22/2014 08:36 AM

I have been mother, friend, counsellor, maid, babysitter to this man. But never ever treated like I deserve. We have had sex 1 time in 10 mos and that was right after ow xbs found out about their contact and threatened to tell me- so wh was forced to fess up. It was guilt sex.
Ugh. I have always resented being the one to carry all the load while he did whatever. It's caused me to be a real passive aggressive bitch. I don't like her much...

honesttoafault posted 2/22/2014 09:02 AM

Very gently, you have to put yourself and your children first. Protect yourself. Right now, after he has left, he will still feel some guilt and will be more willing to agree to what you ask for in a legal separation. When xWH#1 left because he wanted to be separated (to be with OW), I filed for LS immediately. He agreed to everything probably because of guilt and he wanted out so bad to be with OW and signed. Months later, he started questioning stupid little things about it, but it was too late..... he had already signed. Remember, too, this is a LS and not a D, BUT the terms will become the terms of the D. I don't know about Canada, but where I am from, one can file for D after a year of LS, BUT the LS can go on indetermidedly for years if no one files.

Talk to your L about having to sell the house. There may be a way to keep it for you and the kids for a few years before you sell. There are a lot of options out there and you can always "shop" for a lawyer you feel a repoire with.

Phoenix1 posted 2/22/2014 09:31 AM

You are hoping and praying that he "wakes up" and "gets it." I get that, and wish the best for you with that. Unfortunately, as others have said, in the meantime you are making excuses and allowing him to cake eat. He doesn't think YOU are serious because you have not taken any firm steps to truly show him. LS can be canceled in the future if he proves he really wants to do the work to R. But the longer you wait to file, the longer you will push out that one year requirement before D if R is not going to happen. No one WANTS to sell their beloved home and live with the changes LS or D brings, but sometimes we have to take these bold steps to protect ourselves, our children, and begin the healing process. He HAS made his decision, to have an A and leave you. Now you must make a decision to protect yourself and show him just how serious you are. Until then, you remain vulnerable in too many ways. Filing for LS/D is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make. We have all been there, but it is also one of the most liberating moments as well.

Phoenix1 posted 2/22/2014 09:31 AM

Duplicate post,

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 9:36 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

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