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I just can't fully commit

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Breezy150 posted 2/21/2014 20:33 PM

I don't know what is wrong, it is like I sabotage myself. My WH is being great tonight and all I do is tell him that there is no way to trust him again because there is no way to truly verify. He says he is 100% committed to R and I just think about the many different ways he can talk to her if he wants to. I feel like I will never know.
How do you even begin to trust again at all?

TennisTC posted 2/21/2014 21:05 PM

Your feelings are completely normal and I think the vast majority of BS's would say they had similar feelings, especially early on in R.

I've read your recent posts and I think IMHO given that you just had a second DDay (that your WH saw the pain of his betrayal and then chose to hook up with the ow in your hotel room, with you downstairs) trust is not even a remote possibility at this very moment.

To trust someone they must be trustworthy, and right now he is not. I think the complete timeline is a positive sign that your WH wants to R, and understands that it cannot begin with continued lies and deception. If your WH maintains complete transparency and total honesty, then yes, over time he can slowly start rebuilding trust, but one day out from DDay2 it's not feasible.

(((Breezy150)))

4everfaithful83 posted 2/21/2014 21:10 PM

Hey! Don't be so rough on yourself! Its a tough road and your DDAY is so close.

How do we ever trust again...I wish I had this answer! It's tough as hell!! The only answer I can give is you learn to trust again in time.

Trust is earned. If your WH is dedicated to R, and doing all the right things, like NC, transparency, MC ect...thats a good start.

I'm 8 months out and I sometimes sabotage myself as well. It happens to the best of us.

Hang in there. Its gets better. :)

karmahappens posted 2/21/2014 21:59 PM

Your second dday was yesterday.

He lied on Wednesday to you, correct?

Right now you need to get through today. Begin to heal you. Start looking at your future and how you are able to make yourself strong and healthy.

He is in no position to accept R right now and you, IMO need more time before you can commit to it as well.

He blew up your world. Shattered your trust and changed your marriage, forever. He hasn't gotten real enough yet to not lie to you, what makes him think he can go through R without some serious self evaluation, IC and healing?

I am not saying R isn't possible, not at all. All too often a WS or BS expects one to commit and jump all in and claim R, a better marriage etc. etc. and you can't this soon.

You are in shock and survival mode initially after dday. Self protection is important. You will find out trutths about the person you have been married to along the road for the next few months.

Will he be strong enough to R? Can he handle the questions, the hysteria, the anger, fear and rage that he has laid at your feet? Can he look at himself and start to pull apart the pieces in him that allowed himself to decimate the one person who has stood beside him through life?

Is he willing to hold your pain and not throw it back at you? Is he man enough to acknowledge his choices and make himself a safe partner for you going forward?

He cannot answer these questions yet and neither can you.

Put R aside for now and get through today. Learn to live with your current situation and start healing you. Deal with the fallout, get some IC, become stronger, more independant and know the only piece of this puzzle you can control is you.

Once healing has started, once he understands the magnitude of his actions, then you can look and see the man you have in front of you now. You will be able to make a decision about R, if you truly want it, if you are willing to offer it and go through the next 2-5 years healing and creating a marriage that will work for you both. Or you will decide it's not the path you want to take.

It's a choice you have to make, but you don't have to make it today. Give yourself time to begin to heal from this, allow yourself the time to get to a point where your decision can come from a healthier place. A place of confidence and self control. Not a place of desperation and fear, of holding on from a gut reaction.

You deserve a husband who will move heaven and earth to help you through this, and a husband who will do that will begin his healing and afford you the time to become the person capable of making such an important life decision.

Be good to you. (((hugs)))

SisterMilkshake posted 2/21/2014 22:01 PM

I feel it is way too early for you to even be thinking and discussing trust at this time. Trust is something that is going to have to be earned back.

I use to feel/believe that if there wasn't 100% trust in the marriage what is the point of even being married. I blindly trusted FWH pre d-day. I will never be that naive again. I don't believe I will ever be able to fully trust FWH, I know he is capable of betraying me, but I do believe that I will be able to trust him enough to have a good, strong, happy, fulfilling marriage with him.

The reason I will be able to do that is because I 100% trust myself now. I trust that I will never accept the shabby treatment I accepted pre-A and during his A. I trust myself that if there is ever a hint of anything inappropriate that I am strong enough to know that I don't and won't live with this ever again. I trust myself because I know that I will survive and be happy with or without him.

Breezy150 posted 2/21/2014 22:51 PM

Thank you guys. I understand that I am fresh out of DDay but I thought I needed to go all in if I was going to try. I see now that I don't. I am starting IC next week and WH is doing a lot of good things, and that is all great but I don't have to decide until I am ready. Thank you again very much.

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