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WH is still making me crazy

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lilacs40 posted 2/21/2014 20:34 PM

Today I had yet another unproductive talk with WH.

He told me that he feels that I rushing into this divorce and doesn't understand why. I tired to explain to him that I feel this will be the outcome no matter what and if that's the way it's got to be I'll deal with it but if I have to start healing from a broken marriage there's no time like the present. I said I have swallowed my pride no less then 10 times telling you I think we could work it out and the only times he's ever said he wasn't sure what he wanted was when I asked. Not once did he swallow his and ask if I would consider staying.

Then he tells me the reasons he is not sure of what to do:

A) not sure he could face everyone after I told them what he did again

B) He's not sure he could go through the months it will take of my distrust and snooping.

Which tells me he is not the least bit remorseful and I am making the right decision in going ahead with this divorce. Why can't he see it? He said his AP tells him to work it out with me. I told him that she can't really want it because if that was what she really wanted she would stop taking his phone calls.

I don't know how to end these conversations. They are most unproductive, emotionally draining, and always leave me with the impression he wi just never get it.

Perhaps they will stop if I just start talking to him again. Maybe that will make him happy and feel like he's not the bad guy.

Gajit posted 2/21/2014 21:11 PM

If you filed then I would go NC as much as possible. Sounds like he is trying to push your buttons.
Just my opinion.

gonnabe2016 posted 2/21/2014 21:46 PM

He is completely self-absorbed. He will never, ever *understand* it in the way that you want him to.

He flat-out told you that he's not going to be able to *handle* your distrust of him. Some may give him kudos for being honest, but I think it's pretty over-the-line ballsy. You are making the right choice with the divorce. Now 180 and NC him. No more talks. Why do you care if he feels like the *bad guy*? It kinda sounds as if he is.
All he cares about is his own feelings....not yours. Why should you care more about his feelings than he cares about yours?

You will stop having these conversations once you realize what an enormous waste of your time they are. It gets really boring and tiresome having the same exact conversations over and over and over and over.......

BAB61 posted 2/21/2014 22:10 PM

Oh my, I agree that you are wasting your breath! He won't hear what you are saying, he may regret getting caught, but he doesn't sound the least bit remorseful.

After D-day #1 my STBX got really angry at me when I told him that I told our pastor. He was really worried about what people thought of him. I told him if he was REALLY worried about what people thought he shouldn't have cheated! In his mind I should have kept my mouth shut. Just proves he really doesn't know me.

Pass posted 2/22/2014 07:48 AM

Perhaps they will stop if I just start talking to him again. Maybe that will make him happy and feel like he's not the bad guy

If he were truly remorseful, he would understand that he IS the bad guy, and that's what he needs to work on. Seriously, does a good guy do what he did?

careerlady posted 2/22/2014 09:58 AM

I don't know how to end these conversations. They are most unproductive, emotionally draining, and always leave me with the impression he wi just never get it.
Perhaps they will stop if I just start talking to him again. Maybe that will make him happy and feel like he's not the bad guy.

Gently, if you STOP talking to him the conversations will stop. If you weren't talking to him there wouldn't be conversations, right?
And nothing will make him happy, save maybe going back to cake eating. And he IS the bad guy. But his AP sounds like a real stand up gal wanting you guys to work it out . It's funny how they both say they want to save your M but they are STILL talking. You need to go NC

lilacs40 posted 2/22/2014 10:22 AM

I guess I gave the wrong impression. While I would still consider working things out if he met certain conditions (which I am under no illusion he will) I am absolutely ready to start divorce proceedings. I even have an appointment with a lawyer on Wednesday.

Thanks to everyone here. I think the next time he tries to bring up what is going on I'm just going to tell him I'm not talking about it. There's nothing I can say to change the way he feels and he has pretty much told me he has no desire to do what I need him to.

You guys are all great and I am so glad I found this site.

ButterflyGirl posted 2/22/2014 10:28 AM

He told me that he feels that I rushing into this divorce and doesn't understand why.

Here's what I really hear him asking:

"Why are you sticking up for yourself? Why are you asking me to change? Please, don't you want to stick around a little longer and be my comfort blanket? Can't I manipulate you any longer? I was happiest with you at home and my slut on the side. Can't we do that a little longer? I don't care about your needs or feelings, and I certainly won't respect them. I have needs here woman. Don't you want to feel bad about yourself and blame yourself for my affair? Maybe if you cooked better and cleaned better and wore sexier clothes and had sex with me more and did everything I ask for, I won't cheat on you again. I know I had the affair, but don't you want to try to win me back?"

Ok, maybe I went overboard, but he sounds like a selfish, blameshifting, rug sweeping, disrespectful piece of shit. Yes, you are absolutely doing the right thing moving forward with the divorce. He made it point blank obvious that he wants his secrecy and doesn't care to make you feel comfortable or secure in your marriage.

Sounds like you are trying to think of ways to manipulate him, like you are going to play games to get him to treat you differently. I definitely don't recommend that. Since he obviously isn't remorseful, the goal is to stop caring about the things he says and does and work towards being indifferent to him. It really doesn't matter what he thinks or says anymore, and you need to cut off communications with him so you can focus on the other people in your life that deserve your attention..

ETA: I posted this before I saw you're most recent post. I agree to just tell him you aren't discussing it. Sorry he is being such a dick. Hugs to you..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 11:23 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

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