Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Call out a warning to WS'

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Mrunderstood posted 2/22/2014 00:13 AM

I am a ws that knows the consequences of his actions.
We were dating when I turned to online sex sites as a way of dealing with relationship stresses. We ultimately moved in together and my online activity ceased. I never had a physical A, never even met anyone, but she found the electronic trail of messages and pictures and drew the conclusion that anyone would. I lied and lied to cover if up. I knew I would loose her and I knew she was the one and only woman that I wanted to spend my life with. I dug myself a huge hole and instead of fessing up, I lied. I destroyed all of my credibility. I destroyed everything. I even blamed her for what I did online, for lying afterwards. I couldn't face what I did. I was a punk a b and tried shifting the blame onto her. I was selfish and a huge db. This woman showed me nothing but love. Instead of striving to climb up to her level, I tried pulling her down to mine.
It seems like I must not have loved or cared about her but I assure you I did, still do, and always will. I needed help and refused to get it.
She used to be on this forum. I would get mad at her for turning to this. Don't talk to them, talk to me, I would say. But when she tried talking to me, there were a lot of lies, a lot of truth but the lies canceled out any truth.
I moved out almost 3 months ago. I cry every day. I cry for my loss. But I mostly cry bc I treated her so badly. Made her feel like it was somehow her fault. That SHE didn't love me! I was such an asshole. Her and her dd meant the world to me, but I couldn't man up and tell the truth about my issues and my indiscretions. It hurts so bad but I have only one person to blame for that. I would give my life if it meant taking the pain that I put on her.
My therapist suggested I read articles and posts on here. (Ironic sine I told my ex how stupid this was) I'm not sure if I'm using this right but I hope that if even one ws reads this and they stop hurting their bs it will be good. I wish I was able to stop hurting mine. It is not the bs fault. The ws (me) put her in an impossible position. Please tell yourself what YOU did. Not how they reacted to it. If we didn't do what we did, there would be no reaction.
To all of the BS', I am sorry.

Jrazz posted 2/22/2014 01:10 AM

Thank you for sharing - I know that wasn't easy.

You say you moved out... did she want you to move out? I mean, the lies were obviously torture... but did she want you to work on things and be introspective? If you two have a dialogue, I hope you are able to articulate these things to her. If not, it's still going to be good for you to learn how to own your behavior and prevent these kinds of things from hurting others or yourself.

I'm really glad you're working with an IC. Take a deep breath, and keep up the good work.

Mrunderstood posted 2/22/2014 06:30 AM

It was her that wanted me to move out. I did not want to go. I love her and her dd with all of my heart. They mean everything to me. After she found out we stayed together for a year but it was difficult, to say the least. We did need time apart. I didn't want to get help bc I had already stopped the online activity. I was 10000% committed to her and her dd. she needed answers as to why I did it and I didn't have them. I just thought, I've done so much for her and dd that that proved my love to her. I knew I only wanted them. I was afraid of IC. Afraid to find out what was going on.
Glad I have begun to get help. I have begun to heal. I have kept her in the loop of what's been going on with me but bc I had lied so much to hide everything that I did, she thinks This is all bs. She doesn't understand how it would that me into my mid 30s to realize fully what had happened and how that would cause me to do the crazy online stuff. I don't either but am trying to piece it together. She is just over being hurt. I can't blame her for that. This is a road I must travel alone. It's my fault.

Threnody posted 2/22/2014 10:36 AM

First of all, I want to commend you for posting. You took a leap of faith in doing so, and I hope it helps your healing.

I'm a BS, so realize the rest of my post will come from that point of view.

You wrote that she was at one point a member here. Do you know if she still actively reads the board? The reason I ask is this:

She doesn't understand how it would that me into my mid 30s to realize fully what had happened and how that would cause me to do the crazy online stuff

If she's reading SI, she'll soon come across stories just like yours. It's not uncommon. Between other posts on the subject, and perhaps a joint session with your counselor, she could be brought to a point of understanding. If you and she are still communicating, you have the right to ask for this. She has the right to say no, but you still are allowed to use the opportunity to prove yourself to her and show her you are actively working on recovering.

Aside from the trickle truth, I would say inertia is the secondmost reason couples split after infidelity. One is healing, being proactive in their healing. The other... isn't. It doesn't sound like that's the case here.

Have you written a timeline for her, or given her a full disclosure? Or did she get a story, which slowly got dismantled via trickle truth? Has she ever heard the real story from start to finish from you? If not, perhaps you could begin there. Write a letter of full disclosure, offer it to her, and ask her to accompany you to your therapy session to have her questions about your background answered.

Wishing you the best.

mrs7 posted 2/22/2014 11:12 AM

I too am a WS. Many aspects of your story are the same as mine. I lied multiple times to my BH after he found evidence of my EOA. He really has trouble trusting me now and understandably so. When we lie, we only compound how hard it is going to be to gain trust further on down the road. You said that your girlfriend wanted answers as to why you did what you did, and you didn't have them. I'm in the same boat - it's important to find out the answers though. For her as well as you. Otherwise you are pretty much doomed to repeat all of your behaviors in every subsequent relationship, and you will not only make other partners miserable, but will continue to be miserable yourself. I say this because I see how my behaviors have impacted ALL of my relationships in adulthood & this is my 2nd marriage. I don't want another divorce, but at this point don't know if my BH will stay in the marriage. He is hurt tremendously by what I did, maybe irreparably so.
That's a hard thing to realize you've done, to have so badly damaged someone you claimed to have loved.

So kudos to you for going to IC and trying to get some insight for yourself. I hope your relationship can be repaired, but if not, that you can heal yourself to where you are emotionally mature and healthy. Perhaps even get to a place where you can be in a really good relationship with someone else at some point. I believe most of us WS's are capable of change, even though at times it is overwhelming. However, it is also a matter of willingness as well. Do you want to change yourself? Have you hit absolute rock bottom and are you ready to make some progress forward, knowing even as you take the first step, it's gonna be a painful journey? But so worth it in the end.

BTW - I forgot to make a point earlier in my comment, but I feel it's pretty significant so I'll tack it onto here. You stated you hadn't met any of your AP's but I assure you that isn't even relevant. I never met the man I corresponded w/ online either but I think that makes no difference, really. Makes no difference in the degree of hurt my BH feels or how very inappropriate it was to go outside my marriage to get my needs met. Whether you do it to get mental, spiritual, emotional, or physical "strokes" from someone else other than the one you're supposed to be committed to is not the issue. The issue is you're asking someone else to fulfill those needs your partner should be fulfilling. I think the fact that the A was online was particularly telling in my case. It wasn't "real" life. It was way easier to hide, way easier to discount, way easier to disconnect from the severity of what I was doing. I'd shut my computer down or turn my phone off and not think about the A or the AP at all. It was very easy for me to compartmentalize it all and put people in boxes and take them out and use them for my own selfish needs whenever I wanted. I didn't even know enough about myself to know that I was weak in certain areas and needed to put boundaries up before I ever even turned my computer on. I met AP through a social media site. I deactivated my account on DDay and haven't been back since. I am surprised at how little I miss it. My BH and I have been spending all that time together that I used to waste online. We've been talking a lot. I'd much rather invest my precious spare time with him than with anyone else.

[This message edited by mrs7 at 11:23 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.