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Bogey posted 2/22/2014 00:23 AM

Hello. I've been "lurking" for a couple of months and working up the courage to tell my story here.

One ordinary Monday night in December, my husband fell asleep with his phone in his hand, and I went to turn it off, plug it in, etc., but I saw provocative pics of men's bare chests on the screen. I already knew his passwords, so with my heart in my throat, I spent the rest of the night (unable to sleep, of course) going through his apps, pics, texts, and emails. I plugged in the phone in the kitchen, and when he got up for work at 5:00 a.m., he knew I had seen something.

He came to kiss me goodbye and since I was on the couch, not in our bed, he asked if something was wrong. I simply said, "We need to talk." He immediately replied, "What do you know?" and I insisted that he should be the one to do the talking.

He admitted that he has been seeing men and texting men on and off since before we were married. That's over 13 years. One of the hardest realities for me on a daily basis right now.

We both called in sick to work and saw our first-ever marriage counselor that afternoon. Together and separately, we have seen her about 8 times, and I know it's a huge step in the right direction.

He deleted the app from his phone. He has verbally expressed his commitment to me and our marriage. He has many personal issues to work out, and I'm trying not to feel responsible for his infidelity.

I don't have any interest in leaving this marriage, but I do have a lot of questions, confusion, sadness. Probably too much for one post, I suppose.

I haven't found much on SI about same-sex situations like ours, and I'm trying to make sense of this whirlwind that has hit me out of the blue. Am I foolish to stay? Or to think that he can be faithful to me? What does it mean that he cheated with men rather than a woman?

[This message edited by Bogey at 12:24 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

ChloeandPrimo posted 2/22/2014 02:04 AM

Bogey, I know how you feel. I thought I was all alone even on SI because everyone seemed to be talking about heterosexual, romantic affairs. Then one day I got the most helpful reply from an SI person. I will be ever grateful to her. I have posted her response to me. She seems very wise to me. I hope her response is helpful to you as well.

Dear ChloeandPrimo,

Thessalian has posted a reply to your topic "Is anyone in my situation?".

Here is the response:

Oh honey. I'm sorry - huge hugs to you.

I'm in your boat. I'm 6 months in. My husband also is bisexual, only interested in men sexually and not romantically. And last year I found out that my perfect husband was a secret sex addict, or at the very least, compulsively acting out sexual behavior. He was hooking up with anonymous people and browsing Craigslist, having an affair, having one night stands, using prostitutes, and a whole, whole lot of other things. It is absolutely heart-breaking to be here - but I'm stronger now, and I can share a little of what I've learned.

A few things I've learned in the last 6 months:

My WH, one month into this process, said the same thing yours did. "Why can't you just let this go?" Turns out there was way, way, way more to the already very sordid story. I only had a small part of it then.

If your WS is getting angry with you when you bring things up, there's only one single reason: he's still got a huge mountain of lies under there (yes, EVEN MORE STUFF than the huge mountain of lies you've already uncovered, though it seems impossible). If he is being arrogant about what he has told you, he's protecting a lot of things he hasn't, and when you find out what they are, if you do, you will be completely floored. You think that stuff only went back a year? It didn't. I'm so sorry, but brace yourself for that.

Think logically: this kind of behavior does not magically appear in someone's life in a year. No one goes from healthy, sane, and faithful to rapacious, brazen adulterer in 12 months. Can you imagine yourself one year from now having had encounters with 7 men in 12 months? No, because no one degenerates that fast. It takes years to build up to betraying your spouse this blatantly and this frequently. Which means you are - I'm so sorry - looking at the tip of the iceberg.

Because of the high liklihood that there is more going on than you know, please, be very careful with your heart and expectations. I received the following advice from a friend early on in the discovery process, and I didn't listen. And not listening to his advice almost cost me my sanity. He said:

"Don't make any 'safe spaces' for yourself in your head, this situation is just flat-out bad." For example, don't say to yourself, "He may have cheated but at least he used a condom!" or "He may have cheated but at least he didn't have any emotional affairs, because that would kill me!" I was doing a lot of that kind of thinking, but every time I would make a safe space for myself mentally, like "At least he never brought anyone to our house", or "At least he never told anyone he loved them," it would turn out later that he had, and then the little castle I built for myself was shattered. That was emotionally devastating, and I could have saved myself that pain in the beginning by not doing that.

If he's still getting angry with you, he may not be ready for that retreat, though hopefully it may get him closer to a point where he can tell the truth. He'll only stop getting mad when the whole truth is out, and he's still protecting the truth. The question is whether or not you can stand it that long.

2) Someone else on SI showed me this link, and it has been a total life-saver (we'll see if it ends up being a marriage-saver or not). My husband is doing this program: - it's free!

They also have a program for spouses of sex addicts, and reading on there has helped me immensely. I couldn't BELIEVE how much I related to all the spouses there, and how much our stories matched up, how accurate the description of the sex addict personality is - incredible. Check it out. The advice is absolutely invaluable and all of it has been spot-on for me.

3) I don't know how much you've read about sex addiction yet, but get an STD test. Sex addicts will lie and lie and lie and lie and lie about using protection. Make him get one, and get one yourself. Don't have sex without a condom for six months.

4) Everyone says this on here but "take care of yourself first". Treat yourself - there never was a better time and you need it. Sleep, eat, rest, get that box of Godiva for yourself, lean on your friends, and concentrate on YOU first. I know this is impossible advice to take right now when you're so wrapped up in the whirlwind of his crap, but focus on YOU. Your happiness, your mental health, your physical health, your enjoyment of life, your job.

5) In some ways, I felt that my husband screwing around with THAT many people freed me somehow from worrying about me not being good enough. He clearly has a problem that has absolutely nothing to do with me: the same goes for your husband. This is not because you are not pretty enough, nice enough, or a good enough wife. He is just a vastly screwed up guy.

The Recovery Nation site has way more great advice than I can type here, but just know that I hear you, I sympathize. This road is insanely hard, but you are beautiful and strong and loyal, you didn't deserve this, and I hope your husband pulls

You can view this topic at:

stronger08 posted 2/22/2014 04:00 AM

I'm sorry you're here. Its so hard to be a victim of conventional affairs let alone same sex. It only adds more fuel to the fire. I feel that it is extremely selfish of a person who has same sex desires to try and deny them by marrying the opposite sex and not informing their spouse prior. His quick question of "What do you know" speaks volumes to me. It signifies that he has been preparing for this to happen, perhaps even wanting to get caught. I'm sure there are people here who will disagree with me but I feel there is no amount of therapy that can fix this. A persons sexual preference simply can not be denied. And while there are some truly bisexual folks out there, its usually just a step in coming out as gay. And I personally would not hold out hope that he can live a so called normal heterosexual monogamous life. Perhaps I'm wrong or misguided, but this is how I feel.

I have a cousin who after 10 years of M and 5 children had her H leave her for another man. Now I grew up with this man and no one would have thought he was gay. A very manly dude who actually holds a job that is high profile to the public. He was tired of repressing his sexual urges and hiding his secret life. He simply sat her down one day and told her he was leaving. Needless to say my cousin was devastated and this sent her into a very bad spiral of depression. She was a Police officer and due to her mental state had to retire early on a mental disability. With lots of therapy and medication she slowly has come to accept what has happened and is actually very friendly with her Ex. She supports him 100% in his choice and to be honest he is a great father to his kids. The only caveat is that he lied to her for so many years. I have spoken to her at length about this and she indicated there were signs before. He too actually claimed to be bisexual but claimed he only wanted her and would be true. Yet a few years later he wanted out of his M so he could live openly gay. I felt fear of societal stigma and family pressure caused him to repress his sexuality. He married mainly to maintain the appearance of so-called normalcy.

A couple years ago their daughter had her sweet 16 and I was invited. I had the opportunity to meet his partner and speak to him about what transpired. As he and I were friendly in our youth I actually endorsed his relationship with my cousin when asked about him. I felt that I could speak to him about it and as it turned out he was very open and honest. He told me that he always had feelings for men, but he was very confused and embarrassed. He dated women to try and quell his sexual desire towards men. When he M my cousin while he had urges of homosexuality he never acted on them. They were in their early 20's when they M. But over time he said he could no longer hide his desire for men and started seeing guys on the side. He was able to keep this a secret for awhile but my cousin caught him with another man. He said at the time he was still confused and claimed bisexuality. But that was simply not the case. He tried for some time to live a conventional lifestyle but crept back into seeing men on the sly. One day he was just so tired of the lies he came out to my cousin and left. He told me that it was just how he was born and he was tired of lying to everyone. As he came from a very prudent family he was basically disowned by them. His high profile job also had some bumps but he persevered and stayed in his position. Luckily they lived in NYC and being gay is not such a big deal any longer so his career was secure.

He is now openly living as a gay man and he and my cousin are on good terms. She has remarried and by all accounts is happy. But the years of turmoil and trauma could have been avoided by simply being honest with oneself and not dragging in others. I do know the children had a hard time as well, but have adjusted over the years. I do believe that they were some of the lucky few who came out of this basically unscathed. I do know of others that do not. As this has happened to my family I am perhaps a bit jaded in my opinion. But to this day I felt it was a very selfish decision. While I do understand how this happens and how things play out I cant wrap my head around something that could have, should have been avoided. While they had a happy ending after all was said and done, many other people in this situation don't have such a good outcome. My advice to you is to be as candid as you can be about this topic. Talk in great length about his sexuality and perhaps come to a decision. I would hate for you to linger for years while your H sorts out his sexuality. Its simply not fair to you and to him for that matter. Life is about being happy and living as who you are. If you feel he is just in a transitional state it might be best if the M ends now. Its a very complex situation your in and I urge you to do what's in YOUR best interest. In the meantime try and take care of yourself and seek out support. Once your in a better emotional state you can make a decision based on truth and knowledge. Don't think for one second that people can reprogram themselves to be straight. He is who he is and he does not have the right to drag you along for the ride. I want to welcome you and wish you a speedy recovery. Please find peace and happiness as soon as you can.

blinders_off posted 2/22/2014 07:11 AM

If he has been seeing men for the entirety of your 13-year marriage, "deleting the app" means nothing. It doesn't delete his sexual preference.

I agree with stronger's post -- your husband is gay and you are the closet. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or hasn't tried, or doesn't tell himself each time that he's just experimenting or just needs this one last taste before he gets back to being 100% straight.

It may take him some time to fully internally accept that he is a gay man. But stronger is right, you don't have any more of that time to give him.

There are several veteran SI posters who discovered their husband's gay affairs and I am hoping they show up to support you.

Skan posted 2/22/2014 15:01 PM

(((hugs))) You are SO not alone. You really aren't. I pray that this adult generation of people are the last that feel that they "have" to conceal their sexuality from themselves and/or others. I pray that with all of my heart, because of situations like yours. Right now, one of my dearest friends is facing the fact that the male body she was born in, is wrong and she has always been a woman, no matter how much her parents tried to beat it out of her, no matter that she married a wonderful woman and is the "father" of three amazing children. Over 25 years of marriage and while she has been faithful to her wedding vows, she and her wife are now facing the fact of her being transgendered. Another good buddy of mine had her police officer husband come out to her, that he was gay and no matter how hard he tried to kill those thoughts, he just was not interested in her sexually and was interested in men. They had no children and were able to amicably divorce and go their own ways as neither wanted to be in a marriage with someone that was not sexually compatible with each other.

You are so, not alone. And I'm sure that that knowledge, while perhaps easing your mind about that fact, doesn't do one darn thing about making you feel any better that your husband has been unfaithful to you.

I really, really hope that your MC has experience in LGBT counseling. You're going to need that because there is not one damned thing that your WH can do about changing his sexuality. Nothing. And there isn't one damned thing that you can do about it either. The two of you have some very hard decisions to make.

On Monday morning, please call your doctor and make appointments for each of you to have a complete STD/HIV panel run. Make sure to also schedule the follow-up appointments because some things, like HIV screening, will have to be re-done at certain intervals. You cannot trust that your WH has used protection and even if he did use condoms, that absolutely does not mean that he is STD free. You must see the doctor's results on him personally, or have the doctor give them to you verbally. You cannot trust his word that he is clean you have to KNOW to protect your health. This sucks, I know, but each and every one of us has had to do the same. And not one person has ever reported that the doctor's office had never had this request before.

Please keep coming back for support. We're all her for you. If you want to PM me, please feel free to do so. (((hugs)))

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