"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

nekorb posted 2/22/2014 07:11 AM

Saw a text convo between WH/OW were she was telling him it was ok that he cheated on me because I wasn't meeting his (sexual) needs and wasn't listening to him when he tried to talk to me about it.

This was the same convo where he said to her, "other than cheating, I tried to be a pretty good husband.".

I just want to say for the record, that the last time I tried to talk to him about the issues between us (which were far more than just sexual issues) I said, "can we please talk about what's going on between us?". His reply, "I want to have sex more often. There's nothing else to talk about.".

And he wonders and puzzles at the fact that I felt treated like an object during sex.

Pass posted 2/22/2014 07:52 AM

"I wasn't getting everything I wanted, and I didn't care how I went about getting what I thought I deserved"

That seems to be the basic attitude of all waywards. They don't deserve shit with that attitude.

risingfromashes posted 2/22/2014 08:03 AM

Must be one of those WS handbook statements!I wonder if it helps them sleep at night?

When my then 18 yo D asked her Dad if he cheated his response was "Yes I was unfaithful but your mother didn't give me what I needed".

He was right that I did not give him what he needed which was a hard swift kick to his...(any body part).

myowndystopia posted 2/22/2014 08:15 AM

And I think they tell themselves this so much they truly believe it. Good job justifying your behavior WS!

suckstobeme posted 2/22/2014 08:16 AM

Sure, aside from breaking the most important essential vow of marriage, he tried to be a good husband. I guess cutting the grass and taking the garbage out on Thursdays sort of wipes out that whole fucking someone else issue.

What a couple of selfish, stupid assholes.

You were his wife, not a glory hole to be used whenever he got the urge. I'm glad OW is happy to be nothing more than a hole.

[This message edited by suckstobeme at 8:16 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

nekorb posted 2/22/2014 08:23 AM

You know what's sad about that, suckstobeme?

I think she already feels like her worth is tied up in the sex she provides to WH.

AND she knows that if she doesn't keep him satisfied sexually, how that's going to end...now doesn't she?

It's going to become a really tiring relationship, I think.

I feel sorry for her on a woman to woman level...only because she just got out of a long term abusive relationship, she's young, has no clue what boundaries are, has no clue what a healthy relationship looks like, and has no clue that WH doesn't know what one looks like either.

On a wife level? I'm watching for the Karma Bus to pull into her driveway.

nekorb posted 2/22/2014 08:26 AM

And YES to everyone else's comments as well. The rationalization is mind boggling.

How can WH not see that as, "when you are no longer meeting my needs I will feel free to cheat on you too!"....since OW seems to think that's a good excuse.

What is WRONG with people?

suckstobeme posted 2/22/2014 08:35 AM

I think that's why all these OW end up being insecure, clingy wing nuts if the "relationship" lasts. My ex has a lovely studded collar wrapped around his neck. They KNOW that no one is special enough and the honeymoon phase never lasts long enough to sustain these waywards. They have that little nugget in the back of their minds always - over time, they realize, whether they ever say it out loud or not, that the ex was nothing like what the wayward described and the M didn't fail because it was all our fault.

I don't feel bad for them one bit. They know going in - much better than we ever did - what kind of a POS they are with.

tryingagain74 posted 2/22/2014 08:38 AM

I didn't know that we had the same WH!

Yeah, I heard that bullshit line as well. Well, he could have said, "You're not meeting my sexual needs, and I've tried to talk to you about it, but you won't listen. So, I'd like to get counseling/get divorced."

Where in the wedding vows does it say that when a partner doesn't satisfy another partner, that person may take another as his "spouse?"

Oh, yeah. It doesn't. Both of our idiot exes went straight for selfish, irrational option C: have an affair and blow everything straight to hell.

FTG. That is SUCH a trite, pathetic line. How many of YOUR needs weren't being met, nekorb? I can tell you that a bunch of mine weren't being yet, but I NEVER considered having an affair, ever.

Don't listen to that shit because that's all it is.

(((nekorb)))

whywhywhywhy posted 2/22/2014 11:33 AM

i can relate and my wh says the same thing! too bad there was little love, care or even wanting to hear my voice when we were together it was all just "lets have sex"...well, dinner is cooking, kids are calling, i am still working (i work from home) but you want me to drop everything and do this now? i remember getting mad at him and saying- wow you treat me like i am a prostitute or something....little did i realize thats exactly what he was doing on the side

gonnabe2016 posted 2/22/2014 12:11 PM

AND she knows that if she doesn't keep him satisfied sexually, how that's going to end...now doesn't she?

He's a cheater. He's going to eventually cheat on her no matter how much she tries to keep him satisfied. Period. The whole "you didn't satisfy me sexually" is nothing but wordsalad.

My stbx knew the right attitude to have and words to say so that it wasn't completely obvious, but I was nothing more than an *object* to him. His constant "hey, we've got a few minutes <wink><wink>" got really, really old. I remember one afternoon, I had a to-do list that was planned down to the minute. But stbx was home and gave me the <wink><wink>, and I had been *trained* to not say no, but I told him that I had a lot of stuff that I had to do before the kids got home. He persisted.....so I said "Fine, but you need to be quick about it because I've got stuff to do." Pretty romantic, huh? He became one more *to-do* on my list. Checked it off and moved on......

Nature_Girl posted 2/22/2014 13:49 PM

i remember getting mad at him and saying- wow you treat me like i am a prostitute or something....little did i realize thats exactly what he was doing on the side

EXACT same thing here. Exactly. I couldn't understand why I felt like I was being treated like a whore. After DDay when I got into IC, I'd cry to her that I felt like a hooker. After separation when I found irrefutable evidence that indeed he was into hookers, I suddenly understood why I felt like one. That's what he knew. That's how he knew to treat a woman.

And that was the first thing out of my IC's mouth, too, when I told her about my discovery.

dmari posted 2/22/2014 14:22 PM

"other than cheating, I tried to be a pretty good husband."

I almost spit out my coffee ...

They are just a bunch of idiots. My stbx actually wrote that I stopped having sex with him in his COURT DOCUMENTS!! I was so embarrassed for him! LOL! In all the seriousness of court documents he also actually wrote that he is so happy now because he can take long walks and play tennis.

It is so strange how much in common our WS's have. "Meeting his/her needs" is on the top 3.

sleepless34 posted 2/22/2014 15:30 PM

Ha ha, SURPRISE me too with the "didn't meet my needs" thing!

When asked why he would do such a thing...cheat for 1.5 years with ashley madison whore...

he said, "I don't know, I must not have been happy, my needs must not have been being met, or I wouldn't have done this."

Oh, I see. So, if I had done MY job of making sure you are at all times 100% happy and satisfied, you would not have done this? makes total sense.

Let me tell you Mr. Integrity, my needs were really not being met either. When we did discuss the frequency of sex, I told you what you could do to get us on the same page- romance, intimacy, helping more, talking more, normal stuff women like- YOU got all huffy and righteous and said that I was making it "conditional" and that I should love you just the way you are and that pissed you off that I told you what I needed....
oh I am sorry the smell of your farts alone aren't enough to get me in the mood
Oh, I see, if you have to put ANY effort in at all, then it isn't so appealing to you and somehow it is EASIER to develop a secret double life than plan a few date nights, light a candle and unload the dishwasher?

God, I still wonder how someone so lazy managed to have and an affair for so long....

SBB posted 2/22/2014 16:22 PM

"other than cheating, I tried to be a pretty good husband.".

How do they say this shit with a straight face?

This one line should tell you exactly how fucked up his wayward thinking is. I have no doubt the sad clown said the same shit and more to convince himself that he wasn't a POS, disgusting human being.

I have come to learn that the biggest lies are the ones they tell themselves.

I had been crying, screaming, begging, pleading for years for him to tell me what was wrong. Where the hell did my husband go? I begged him to not grind this relationship into the ground until it was dust. He flat-out refused. There was no problem, he was just stressed at work. I was adding to that stress by demanding more of him.

He refused MC because he said it was the death-knell to an M.

Post-DD I asked him how he didn't think cheating was a death-knell. Why he didn't lift a single finger to either save the M or at least save us both the devastation of infidelity. Why didn't he set me free instead of setting me alight?

His only answer was that I didn't love him anymore.

He was right. I loved him well beyond him being deserving of that love but there was a point where I realised the love was gone. There is only so much emotional abuse, abandonment, criticism and rejection you can take before love leaves your body.

But I went down swinging. He went down with his dick in his hand. HE has to live with that, not me.

[This message edited by SBB at 1:41 AM, February 24th (Monday)]

Vulcanized posted 2/22/2014 18:06 PM

I wasn't meeting his (sexual) needs

It wouldn't have mattered. If not sex, you would have cooked the wrong dinner, ironed his socks wrong, bought the wrong toilet paper, etc. (These are purposely absurd examples) I got that crap too, not the sexual (which is very, very, very ironic, as he wasn't meeting MY sex needs), but other lame excuses. The major difference was that despite all of my unmet needs, I didn't have an A.

"other than cheating, I tried to be a pretty good husband."

See? I'm still such a good, caring guy. Please have monkey sex w/me, OW. Maybe if you give me enough bj's, I'll reward you by making you Mrs. Nekorb #2. Only an idiot would spout such nonsense and only a moron would believe it.

nekorb posted 2/22/2014 18:29 PM

Please have monkey sex w/me, OW.

That's totally it too!! They go on and on to each other about all the injuries they sustained during their latest trist. They are so impressed with themselves.

Boggles the mind. I just read some of this stuff and think,"Who IS this man and why does he look so much like my husband?".

I often felt like WH was acting out stuff he saw in porn when he was with me and I hated it. Impersonal, doing things he *knows* that I don't like (you do get one freebie on that, because if you do something new and I don't speak up right then and there, that's in me, you know?). He would deny it though.

I know I wasn't perfect. It still doesn't mean I deserve this.

Catwoman posted 2/23/2014 06:46 AM

There are those whose "needs" are so overwhelming that they can never be met in a relationship.

Most healthy people get thir sense of worth and validation from many sources: relationships, family, career, hobbies, social interaction. No one source is expected to shoulder the entire load. But a personality disordered person has a skewed view. They look at their "wants" and determine them to be "needs." Because they are disordered, they cannot be satisfied with what would satisfy a normal person. They are like a defective bucket with a bunch of holes--always blaming the water for not being filled.

My NPD-ex is a poster boy for this: moved 5 times in the first 8 years after separation/divorce, moved in with the non without the OW. Has bought and sold several cars, etc. he cannot be satisfied because he is hopelessly flawed and satisfaction must start with him dealing with himself, not applying the "balm of other."

He was always one to be seeking satisfaction in external means--always expecting the big screen TV or the fancy car to "complete" him. What a sad and lonely way to live.

Cat

lynnm1947 posted 2/23/2014 07:02 AM

It wouldn't have mattered. If not sex, you would have cooked the wrong dinner, ironed his socks wrong, bought the wrong toilet paper, etc.

Or used too many cheeses in the lasagna!

PurpleRose posted 2/23/2014 07:03 AM

^yes, what Catwoman said. That is the Dooosh, to a T. He was never satisfied with the life he had, let alone the one WE had. Always wanted something more, but could rarely figure out what.

Hated his job, his car, our subdivision, the drivers on the road, etc etc. It was a never ending list. He went looking for something that he will have to find within... And he wont ever do that because he cannot even recognize that he is the broken one!