Anyway for the last month she's been acting weird and has password protected her iPad and phone. About 2 weeks ago when her phone was charging I noticed a text came through that said something to the effect of "good night babe". I never really gave it much though until yesterday when I got on our almost never used laptop. I noticed a Facebook tab at the top clicked it and somehow got on to her Facebook page. From there I spyed on her private messages.
Apparently she has been chatting with someone she went out with when she was 14, over 20 years ago. As I got deeper into the messages she kept telling this guy that she loved him and were soul mates and she couldn't wait until they could be together. But the most hurtful thing I read was her telling this dude that "I never really loved or cared about my husband ever" and she also told him that she gets wasted every night and pops a couple sleeping pills so shes not conscious while sleeping next to me.
Other messages I checked from other random guys from her past were filled with lies about us being separated. Even messages to her girlfriends were about going somewhere where she could hook up with him.
Sooooo.....I quickly copied and pasted and printed off about 75 pages of messages. When she got home I presented them to her and said she's got some explaining to do. After a brief blowup I took the kids out for pizza and ice cream. When we got home and the kids went to bed I confronted her and she had nothing to say. I got a little heated and raised my voice a couple times then went downstairs to sleep with the two older girls. About 15 minutes later I have the cops knocking on the door checking on a reported "domestic disturbance". And about 10 minutes later her friend who lives a good 25-30 minutes away just happens to show up. The cops wanted one of us to leave I refused to leave, so my wife took the youngest
And went to a friends house.
I have no idea what to do, I love my wife very much and my girls even more. The thought of not seeing them everyday has my head spinning in circles. The things she messaged about me to the "love of her life" can never be taken back and I'm one to never forgive or forget. Seriously I'm at a loss about what to do, I've never felt so small and hated in all my life.
I just wanted to let you know you've been heard. I am sorry you find yourself here. Please read the Healing Library.
Also, if your wife is popping pills, you need to get those girls away from her. Make sure you hang on to what she wrote. You can also download her message history from Facebook. You may need it to protect yourself and your daughters.
This is a great place for support. (((Hugs)))
See an attorney - get knowledge.
Maybe I sound harsh.
But it's not as harsh as being hauled off to the pokey, and finally getting out to come home to an empty house with no idea where your children are.
On the emotional side, we know what it's like to deal with the explosion of your life, brother. Keep posting!
YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS.
YOU CANNOT "LOVE HER" OR "NICE HER" BACK.
Take care of your own needs here. Stay hydrated. Eat what you can.
We will help you through this shitstorm.
Harness your anger.
Get proactive about protecting yourself.
You are not going to like anything that I post next, but you need to hear it and maybe when things get really bad (sorry to say they will get worse), you might return to them and realize you need to take positive action.
Your wife has checked out. You are now going to try to do everything you can to win her back. Show her you are better than her other man. You will try to be the nicest doormat in the history of the world. We know. We have ALL done it. And guess what the success rate of that has been in the history of mankind - roughly 0%.
What you need to do is start looking for a divorce lawyer. You need to separate finances. You need take a step back from the hurt and approach things how you would advise a close friend in your situation (in other words, detach).
Listen to JJ. Listen to the great advice you will receive. I know it will seem counterintuitive, but it will be spot on.
Now, as to why. Knowledge is power and brother, right now, you are POWERLESS. Your world has been destroyed and all it is a black abyss. But it is not. Believe me, it is not. Learn how to protect yourself. Learn your options. Focus on putting one foot in front of another, taking one bite, one drink of water, one hug from your kids at a time.
Now seeing a lawyer does not mean filing for divorce. But it means getting your feet back under you. Your wife is fantasy fuckland and would slit your throat if it meant staying there. Sorry, but that is reality for you. For her, she does not care about the destruction she inflicts.
Until it means consequences for her.
You think seeing a lawyer will drive her to him. Maybe. That would actually be the fastest way to end her fantasy. But I know you do not accept that.
But you need to start thinking that way. Otherwise, she is going to inflict far more pain on you. I am so sorry.
Strength and blessings to you. We are here for you.
Happiness is a choice.
I'm not saying I'm the perfect husband
I don't deserve this
Seriously, please take the advice about the VAR. Your WW has shown that she is not above using lies about DV and having the police involved. You need to protect yourself from false accusations. Please go out and buy a VAR (several) today.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:15 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
Man, I know it's the hardest thing in the world to believe right now, but don't feel small and don't feel hated.
So many of us went through some version of this experience, and the immediate impulse to feel utterly worthless as a result of your wife's choices is nearly overwhelming.
But listen to me: your value as a human and worth as a man can not be assigned to you by your disloyal, selfish, immature wife unless you let it. She has proven to you already who the worthless one is. Time to prove her wrong!
The days, weeks, months ahead will test you-- even to the limits of your endurance. But believe me-- you will get so much strength and encouragement here. I wish I'd had SI when I has to go through my early marriage crisis! (The advice above from other survivors is better than you'd get from weeks with a marriage counselor-- and FREE!)
We're rooting for you. Stay strong, and be the absolute best father you can be for your children. They will be watching this through innocent eyes, and you will be teaching them whether you want to or not. As will your wife.
You can emerge from the stronger than you'd believe!
“No, Lord,” she said.
And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”
I'm so sorry you are here! And you are right, you don't deserve this. NO ONE deserves this.
JJCT is absolutely spot on. You need to protect yourself, and you definitely cannot love you wife back into the relationship.
As hurtful as it is (for you) it seems like the only way to get resolution is to distance yourself.
When I (hate to admit this) begged and pleaded with my WBF to stay and work on our relationship, it got me nowhere! He said he didn't know what he wanted.
When I finally stood up for myself and left, practiced the 180...That's when I saw results. And I'm not saying saw results because we are now in R. Even if he didn't change, I would of had my answer, and been moving on with my life.
I hope you find strength in the SI community. Everyone here is awesome. Come back often and write lots! We all want to help, and be helped. :)
Together 8 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
Get out and get a VAR (voice activated recorder). Get a couple. Keep one on you at all times because I guarantee that she will try to claim that you are violent again. Put the other one hidden in the place that she spends the most time car, family room, where ever you think she does most of her private talking on her phone.
She has a Ipad and Iphone? Do you? Research ways to recover the messages, especially if your phones/devices are linked on the same contract. And make damned sure that you have your computer locked down so that she cannot read what you are typing and/or planning.
Monday when you see the lawyer, you will want to find out how quickly you can have legal separation papers (if not divorce papers) served. You will want to ask for sole use of the house, physical custody of the children, appropriate child support and spousal support if you are eligible. Then go to any bank that is different than the bank that you are at now. Open an account and apply for a sole credit card. Transfer 1/2 of the money from your joint account into the new account, and cancel any joint credit card that you have. If you have direct deposit, change it to go into your new account. Once the papers are served and you have sole use of the house, change all of the locks and make sure that she cannot get in with a garage door opener.
Yes, all of the above is war. You are at war now, a very intimate and soul-crushing war. The one person that you should be able to trust to have your back has just driven a knife into it and her intent is to gut you as well, when you turn around in shock. You need to protect yourself AND those beautiful daughters of yours. The pod-person that is wearing the skin of your wife is not interested in anyone's well-being but her own. It's up to you to save what's left of your family.
(((hugs))) I am so very, very sorry. I truly am. It really IS unfair, but if you let the unfairness of the situation bog you down, you will lose big-time. Remember, if by some miracle in one month, her head emerges from her ass and she actually GETS the absolutely hell that she's caused, you can delay or stop the S/D papers. Until the judge signs the paperwork, you can back away at any time. The hammer needs to come down now and consequences need to be very stark. You can always open the barn door up little by little if needed, but it is very hard to lock it up to keep the livestock safe, if they already have stampeded out.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Do one other thing.
Expose her infidelity to family and friends.
Show them what a liar she is as well as exposing the affair to the light kills it very often.
Show her consequences for her lousy actions.
I decided to take all 3 of the girls to my moms house for dinner, but my wife wouldn't let me take my youngest. I agreed. My middle child didn't want to stop playing video games so I took the iPad to my moms house. While at my moms house I remembered that when games are being played the iPad doesn't automatically shut down soooooo that meant it is unlocked.
As I logged onto her Facebook page I catch them in mid conversation (wife posting from her phone). It's like she's the damsel in distress she messaged "he just took off with the kids" his reply was "call the cops". At that point I jumped into the conversation and said "I don't know who you are but you have played a huge role in the totally destroying my marriage and you are going to be the reason why I'm not going to be able to see my kids everyday." He then typed who is this? I said it was Jay and I know everything and am getting even more info for my lawyer. Then I was cut off because the wife logged out and changed her pass word.
When I came home I confronted her about crying wolf about the kids and asked her if she really thought that I would just take off with the kids and not return. I said that I would never do that to her or keep the kids from seeing their mother. I told her that there was something wrong with her if she thought that I would do that to her. I also told her that she single handedly is going to ruin the lives of our 3 children there will be many memories that they won't have because of her.
I also emailed all the messages to my sister, my mom, and her mom just to make sure my side of the story is understood.
Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.