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BrokenButTrying posted 2/22/2014 09:54 AM

I'm in a state. BH was sitting on the sofa, I could see he was chatting on Facebook messages but couldn't see who to. Strange in itself because he and his friends use whatsapp to talk. Then he gets up suddenly and announces that he's going out. He spent ages getting ready, doing his hair, cleaning his shoes etc. I ask where he's going and he says 'for a drive'.

He made a decision to have a revenge ONS three weeks ago, he tried while on a night out with his friends but said he couldn't go through with it. All I said at the time was that I was sorry for putting him in a position where he felt he had to do that.

My mind is in over drive and I loathe myself for it. Need some 2x4s, quick!

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 9:56 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

JustDesserts posted 2/22/2014 10:05 AM

He needs the 2x4's, if he thinks the solution to his problem is the cause of his problem.

Sorry for both of you. Perhaps he can find SI and post for advice about revenge affair's efficacy in solving infidelity related hurt and healing.

JD

BrokenButTrying posted 2/22/2014 10:08 AM

The thing is, he probably has just gone out for a drive. I'm judging by my own awful standards, I feel like a really awful person right now.

Aubrie posted 2/22/2014 10:17 AM

I could see he was chatting on Facebook messages but couldn't see who to.
Red flag.

He spent ages getting ready, doing his hair, cleaning his shoes etc.
Red flag.

He made a decision to have a revenge ONS three weeks ago
Red flag.

he couldn't go through with it
Was this verified?

The thing is, he probably has just gone out for a drive.
After primping, preening, and shoe shining? Doubtful. Dunno about anyone else, but I don't doll up before getting in the car to "just drive".

I don't really know what to say. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Sorry you're hurting.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/22/2014 10:24 AM

He's always been very private with his phone. I don't know the password or have access to his Facebook. Obviously, he has full access to all of mine now but he chooses not to check up on me, although I invite him to regularly. If I asked to look at his phone he would get very angry.

No, it wasn't verified. He came home that night and told me about it the next morning. Said that he had made the decision to chat up a girl and go home with her to have sex. He started talking to someone but then 'couldn't go through with it'. I believed him, but now I'm not so sure.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/22/2014 10:33 AM

Every WS fears that each mistake will now become the straw that broke the camelís back. Forever vigilant and forever remorseful.

HUFI said this on another thread. This is what I'm afraid of. If I talk to him about it he might give up. He can't handle the fact he can't trust me, if I throw that I might not trust him into the mix it might be the last straw.

hopefaithlove4 posted 2/22/2014 10:52 AM

BBT,

I'm in the same spot. Last week my BH went out on a date he lined up on match.com. I finally confronted him this morning. This is the second woman since he discovered my affair. The first he said he stopped at messaging. He said the only way he can get through my betrayal is an affair or divorce. He also says he doesn't want a divorce and wants to do this and move on. It's just ugly. I also do not have access to any of his stuff but he has mine. He says I do not deserve the luxury of knowing information.

Oddly, it has stemmed his anger and he has turned to me more. But, clearly, this is going to be a messy road. I am becoming the BS and he is becoming a WS. I don't know what to do other than play it out and hope we can get through it. It is such a fucking mess. I have no idea when it'll end. She is an outlet for his affair right now.

Sorry for hijacking. But I know exactly what you're going through.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/22/2014 10:56 AM

Thank you for your reply, hfl.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, it sounds like a horrible situation. All I have at the moment are suspicions, so I'm going to sit on it and see what happens. I've calmed down now, no good can come from me flying off the handle. I'm letting go of the outcome.

I hope you're ok? It's a painful position to be in. (((Hugs)))

Jovie posted 2/22/2014 11:06 AM

This sounds like something my BH would do. He has mentioned revenge affairs a few times.

I really don't think he could go through with it. But I could still see him going out and making me think he did just to show me how it might feel. Even down to the primping... sounds like something he would do.

I'm sorry, it sucks.

hopefaithlove4 posted 2/22/2014 12:00 PM

As ok as one can be. Just trying to be strong for the kids and myself because either way it's going to get messier. I think we can survive if he has an affair as long as he is also willing to do the work of a WS. But that's the question if he will. And I don't think this solves his problem as he says there's no comparison to what I did. He wants to win the battle not the war. And he needs to be right, justified, and vindicated. At all costs. Even if he has to skin us both alive.

Aubrie posted 2/22/2014 12:23 PM

He's always been very private with his phone. I don't know the password or have access to his Facebook.
Transparency works both ways.

If R is the goal, it's in the best interest of both parties to be proactive and be open and transparent with one another.

Hiding and secrecy breeds resentment and distrust.

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