SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

nekorb posted 2/22/2014 10:02 AM

I'm so tired of not being able to control the tears.

This week I cried on the phone with the health insurance broker and the guy at the mortgage company that handled our refi last year.

I've cried in my financial planner's office, my accountant's office, my attorney's office (when I went for my consult), my doctor's office, IC/MC/DD's IC office(s), the book store, the grocery store, church (during the service), the pastor's office, and the list just goes on and on.

I'm sure when I go to open a new bank account and close our joint account I will cry at the banker's desk.

I'm sure when I contact the kids' guidance counselor at school I will cry.

When will it stop?

BAB61 posted 2/22/2014 10:09 AM

Imho you will stop the crying jags when you are on a path towards a goal (R, S or D). This limbo you are in is keeping the wound open and festering. Your WH sounds like a complete ass. I am so sorry your kids are bearing the brunt.

I agree that stability is important, but is the home a safe, stable environment if you are falling apart? Again, just mho, WH needs to man up - decide and stick to the decision (R or D) stop messing around. He's screwing you and your kids up. Have you 180'd him?

Take2 posted 2/22/2014 10:35 AM

When will it stop?

May 2014. You'll get home from running errands and on a warm sunny day. You'll feel drawn to the lawn chair, walk over and just sit, soaking in the warm sunshine. You'll hear a bee and open your eyes to watch him explore each daffodil in turn. And you'll think - there are good things here in the world, things worth experiencing, enjoying, moments of peace. It really is going to be okay!

It won't be the last time you cry, but it will be the turning point, the day you recognize that life can still be good. It is an important day - don't let it slip by. Walk over to that lawn chair and plop down in it!

[This message edited by Take2 at 10:37 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

Dreamboat posted 2/22/2014 11:29 AM

I found that when I tried to suppress the tears, I just cried harder. So I started to just let the tears flow and go about my business with tears running down my face. If I could then I would go into the bathroom and allow the tears to flow (not have a crying jag, just let the tears out) but if that was not possible then so be it. I am sure I was not the first person to cry in public and I was certainly not the last either.

I also gave myself a safe place to cry everyday -- in the car while I commuted home. I am sure I had red eyes everyday when I picked up DD from after school care and who knows what the teachers thought of that, but I was able to get it out and that allowed me to keep it together at other times of the day, for the most part.

I only allowed myself to have a crying jag, you know the deep agonized sobs, when I was truly alone. And when I had those I let it ALL out.

HTH

Nature_Girl posted 2/22/2014 13:35 PM

I cried all during Limbo and for about nine months after separation. I then cried sporadically for another six months or so. I don't cry now.

I've learned NOT to suppress the tears. NOT to stifle whatever pain I'm feeling. Emotions are important. Pay attention to them. They are instructive and healing.

myowndystopia posted 2/22/2014 14:17 PM

What BAB61 said. Since I've filed I don't cry nearly as much. In limbo---I was one hot mess! I asked the grocery store where I could find a certain item- when they said they didn't carry it, It made me cry. That kind of crap doesn't happen now. My IC still makes me cry sometimes but I'm even better in there. Middle of the night, can't sleep- I may cry. But knowing my path has helped. Also once I filed, I told my parents. That also helped- it's all out there now.

Rainbows posted 2/22/2014 14:36 PM

I agree with Nature Girl and had a very similar timeline for my waterworks, although I still have my moments. They only started to subside once I was out of limbo and made a decision about the marriage.

Limbo was it's own form of hell for me because of the uncertainty and instability. Feeling stuck and powerless was a huge trigger, even though I didn't realize it at the time.

Now, I can usually tell when I'm about to be triggered. I change the subject or avoid the trigger until I'm somewhere private.

Gemini71 posted 2/22/2014 17:09 PM

I'm seven months out from D-Day and I still cry, usually in the shower. It seems to come in waves. I have good weeks and bad weeks. One thing for certain is that the tears are never far away. While it may not be a trigger about the A that does it, any little setback in life brings on the waterworks. Today I backed into a neighbor's car and soaked a couple tissues with tears. I've just learned to pack kleenex with me. Good luck.

Tripletrouble posted 2/22/2014 19:36 PM

Oh gosh I've cried everywhere and in front of everyone. Sometimes at the drop of a hat. Yesterday I started crying when my awesome doctor told me he is leaving the state. (I've been with him for years and he was so supportive when I first showed up last year needing ADs and an STD panel). I cry in front of my therapist. I've cried at work. I've cried in the grocery store. I cry on the running trail. I cry in my car at red lights.

I remember a young woman cutting my son's hair and crying the entire time.. I wanted to go hug her. I assume people feel the same compassion towards me.

Unfortunately the healing isn't linear. You will feel better, and you will feel worse. My D Day was about 3 months before yours and my D has been final 3 months. I just suddenly took a turn for the worse and I am frustrated that I have moved backwards. Being on SI has helped so much to see that it is normal.
Hugs, I hope you get some peace as you work through the process.

TrustedHer posted 2/22/2014 20:29 PM

My IC told me it was ok to schedule a time and place to cry.

This was after I had been recovering for a while, and I was down to a couple times a week. I was concerned that the tears overtook me at strange times and places.

So I scheduled 9:00 in the evening, Wednesday and Sunday nights.

Oddly enough, it worked. I was home, I could hug my dogs, and they would comfort me.

Sure beat bawling down the aisles at Target or Walmart.

It's something to think about once you get out of Limbo.

SBB posted 2/22/2014 20:40 PM

^^what they said. I cried so much I was barely weeing for those first few months. I did it everywhere. Even just driving along.

I used to try to hold the tears back but that just meant a tsunami would hit me out of the blue. I started letting it happen.

In the early days the tears were crippling - now they are cleansing. I don't get the crying jags very often anymore. I thought they would never en but they did.

Lean into the pain when it gets bad. Remind yourself that you won't always feel this way.

[This message edited by SBB at 1:42 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)]

nekorb posted 2/22/2014 21:55 PM

Thanks everyone. At least I'm normal. Relatively.

I will try to remember just to let the tears come and not worry about where I am or who might see me.

roarlouder posted 2/22/2014 23:02 PM

I first decided only crying in the shower...I still have a moment at least once a day...but they are short. I am sad, cry and let the emotion take over for a minute, and then I refocus on something else- something happy, something good for me, anything.

It gets better...I do believe you need to go through the process and let your feelings sink in, but for me setting some goals/deciding to limit has been helping...still hard, but I am functioning better.

Take care and don't be too hard on yourself

Thefly559 posted 2/23/2014 05:07 AM

I like to think I am a real mans man. If you knew me you would say I never cried a day in my life. I cried like a baby for months. I can remember being in a card game at a biker club and crying at the card table. That was not good!! I know your pain well. Dreamboat and many others gave some great advice. Allow yourself that time. It is ok to cry you are human. Stay strong All the best.

33years posted 2/23/2014 07:23 AM

I'm crying just reading this post!

Helen of Troy posted 2/23/2014 11:28 AM

Nek, I did that often at first stages too.
You aren't alone, it's normal and it won't last forever. If it does go on too long, maybe look into getting on ADs to get over the hump.

marionwendy posted 2/23/2014 11:41 AM

PS: while you are on that lawn chair in May 2014, make sure you have a large pitcher of margaritas and enjoy your day! In fact you could have a little party to celebrate your new life with some of your closest friends!!!!! Play the music you like and sing like no one can hear you!

It really will get better. ((((())))))

gypsybird87 posted 2/23/2014 13:06 PM

You are definitely not alone in going through this! Totally normal. I've cried all sorts of odd places and in front of total strangers. One of my worst ever hit me in the middle of the airport. I was fine departing to go visit my parents (last May right after the D), but when I returned, I totally lost it. Cried all the way through the airport and on the shuttle to my car, where I finally let loose and just sobbed until I was worn out. Ugh. The most recent bad/sudden cry was right before Christmas, when I was struggling to put up the huge fake tree and was barely strong enough to do it by myself. I just felt so alone.

It does get better as more time goes by, and like others have said, it sort of changes from sobs that rip you apart to tears that cleanse and heal. I don't want this pain to live inside me forever. Every time I have a good cry, I imagine it as a little bit more of that pain leaving my soul.

((nekorb))
Hang in there.