She told me that I could have a "hall pass" but she didn't want to here about the details. At that time she was having an Emotional affair and probably felt guilty that I told her that I walked away from the situation.
I grew up on a farm in the midwest and I was very naive about the signs that she was probably a prostitute. OK yes she was a prostitue. But I did waste about 15 minutes of her time trying to pick me up.
Happiness is a choice.
I shrugged it off... I since discovered she emailed pics of herself to her partner. I had other vague concerns that have never panned out but that was the red flag that actually led to something of proof something was going on.
Many late nights out 'with the girls'
Early workouts at the gym
New clothes, new makeup
New interest in perfume and fashion
Newfound interest in the local football and baseball teams
Clutching her phone like it was gold
Late nights whispering behind closed doors to someone on the phone
Picking fights with me for no particular reason
The list goes on and on
The cell phone. He constantly had the cell phone on him. And he put a lock on it. I would question why he had a lock on it. I told him if you have nothing to hide why lock your phone? He said his friends would send him inappropriate pics and he didn't want our kids to see them.
I would check his phone and don't remember seeing anything out of the ordinary. Never thought about checking our cell phone bill. That's the one thing that runs through my mind all the time. Why didn't I check our phone bill????
He started to workout. Lifting weights. He had a diet he was on. And guess who cooked his meals so he could look good for the whore? My mom & I did.
Work. He always had to work. Everyday. Work. So busy. No time for anything but work.
His indifference towards me. He didn't care about me. He felt so cold towards me.
And thoughtout all of this, my instinct was that something was off. Things were not good. At one point I thought he was addicted to drugs because of his secrecy. Well he was addicted... He was addicted to the whore.
Woah- exactly the same response i got when i asked...he said his hockey teammates would send him inappropriate pics and he knew i would get the wrong idea if i saw them...amazing how often the excuses are the same amongst cheaters...
my signs were the indifference, the continual pub nights with friends, the infrequent sex (although he always said it was due to his exhaustion from work...)
Then it was not being at work during lunch if I were to call.
Then it was coming home late when all she did was go shopping.
Then it was coming home late after work smelling like alcohol.
To actually catch many WS's, you practically have to walk in on them it seems. Otherwise, you are the crazy one with wrong gut feelings and always accusing for no reason.
Talking a lot about him at first and then nothing.
Going in another room to text. Holding onto the phone like it was her newborn baby.
Texts mostly not about tennis with hundreds a week. Evidence that texts were deleted just for the OM's number.
Her tennis friends suddenly dissing her for months. (They found out about them.) and excluding OM from normal events, ie end of year parties.
Some tennis friends confused about my role in her life when I showed up at some matches. They thought OM/WW were married. I got some hellacious stares and then some very weird looks among the couples later.
Rudeness and coldness from WW. Felt like a roommate some days. Other days were great.
Bouts of deep sadness. Preoccupation with something else.
Lack of interest in sex. She always came first with me and that began not to happen. End of blowjobs and did not want cunnilingus.
Comments about topics she was not usually interested in, ie art, high brow movies, etc. ( I love this stuff but she was bored by it over the years and never went with me..)
Comments out of the blue which frame things in their shared reality, not ours. Like 'X Likes that, but I do not.'
Dressing to the nines to go somewhere, ie picking out cute tennis outfits, doing makeup, perfume, etc.
Changes in comments about what she likes in a man. I have very little body hair and all the hair on my head. She hated hairy chests and baldness and would often comment about it, but her tune changed.
I have recently remembered a conversation that I overheard him having with his best friend---they were in the other room watching a game while I was cooking in the kitchen for them----this was a few weeks before Dday:
friend: "Oh, buddy, I finally saw that girl you were telling me about!"
I was so trusting.
[This message edited by mchercheur at 2:11 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]
lock screen on her phone. She'd never done that before
The look of alarm on her face when I tried to hand her her ringing phone one day.
Extreme weight loss (pills, skipping meals) and a sudden interest in exercise.
Sex life was all over the place. One day she's crying about lack of intimacy. The next day she doesn't respond to my advances. The next day we're going at it like animals.
The "look," like she was looking through me at times. I can't define it, but maybe some here know what I mean. Like she was there, but not there.
Lots of late nights at work
late nights out with friends I never got to meet, and often drinking to blackout states.
Coming home several hours after she said she would
New clothes and underwear
Pushing our mutual friends away
An all day shopping trip where she came home with nothing. Why I didn't question that more, I'll never know. She always finds something, but that day, she couldn't find anything to buy?
She stopped wearing the necklace with our departed son's name and birthstone on it. She ALWAYS wore it.
Coming home missing jewelry she left the house wearing.
Stopped talking about moving. There were several months where all she focused on was looking at house listings.
Stopped talking about adoption.
Very shallow/superficial conversations. She was never a shallow or superficial person before.
It's amazing how much love and trust can blind you...
"A unicorn isn't a unicorn. It's a donkey with a plunger stuck to it's face."
D-day was August 12, 2013. I discovered the texts. All of this was prior to that. After that, there was more, but I'll stick to pre-DD #1.
1. Changed her FB profile picture in March to just her after a trip with a large group that the OM was a part of. First time in +/-9 years that it wasn't both of us. I know that sounds so "high school" but it did strike me as "off" at the time.
2. The cell phone. All of a sudden using her personal phone again and having to add texts every month because she went over. Eventually went to unlimited texts. THIS SHOULD HAVE MADE ME LOOK AT THE BILL BUT IT DIDN'T, AND I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY I DIDN'T.
3. The "I'm not happy speech" out of no where. Sure, we had our issues like everyone else, but around a month before this started I would have said we were doing good.
4. Stopped showing interest in the dream house we were renovating and had been working on for 2+ years at that point.
5. Starting to go "commando" but only when he was going around. She was always so reserved, and this was completely out of character.
6. Working late. After midnight two and three times a week. I know what she does at her job, and it does not require this.
7. Not wanting to go to bed (just to sleep) and staying up late. Falling asleep on the couch until late. I now know she was texting him.
8. Lots of trips to the mall, but she never bought anything.
9. Our "bye kiss" in the morning became distant when it used to end up with us screwing and being late for work.
10. Our sex life was all of a sudden "boring" when it never had been before.
11. ILYBNILWY speech.
12. Asked to temporarily separate to see if that helped. I didn't know what the problem was.
13. How easily annoyed she was with me. She would get so mad for no reason.
14. Her anxiousness to go hang out on his houseboat all the time. She would take me with her, but I would catch them off by themselves a lot.
15. A pool party where they would end up at the far end of the pool from everyone else. Plus, they were flirting BIG TIME that day and he "had a hard on" when he got out of the pool.
16. New bikini and no record of buying it on our bank statement. It was also WAY outside of the amount of "coverage area" that she normally wore. It was almost a thong, and I refused to let her wear it out of the house. I now know she took it the next day to model it for him. I was originally bought for him.
17. Related to 16, she all of a sudden was paying for things with cash. She NEVER did this before.
18. The sheer distance between us. It was obvious she was pulling away.
19. MY GUT FEELING THAT THERE WAS ANOTHER MAN.
#2 and #19 are the biggest signs.
When the WS starts disliking things she always liked before and starts liking things she never liked before.
All of a sudden she hates the smell of old spice after liking it forever. All of a sudden her tastes in music changes overnight.
The biggest memory of this I have is...we have always listened to R&R type music, 60s, 70s and 80s. And all of a sudden she is listening to C&W.
Every time I got into her car, the radio was on the C&W station.
[This message edited by craig2001 at 1:36 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]
Also, the "I feel like we're just roommates" and "It's like I'm living with my best friend" speeches seemingly out of the blue.
One morning I just asked "are we ok?" Her answer - "let's get away this weekend." There were other times where she dodged those type of questions.
I'm not helping my case by adding more signs I should have recognized for what they were, am I?
The second affair there were absolutely NO signs at all. I'd never have known if her husband hadn't called me at work.
There are days I think I could have caught them in the act and rationalized it away.
Me: "So you slipped, fell, and landed on his dick?"
Me: "Oh, well, let's go home."
I've had the "you slipped and feel on his dick" thought many, many times.
I'll toot my own horn and say that I'm a pretty smart guy. But, some of the lame excuses that I've made to myself for her make me question my intelligence.