In a skewed away, I can understand this. He knows where I stand, but is saying it's either this or divorce. From my previous posts, you all have an idea of me. I have been 100% transparent, honest, and the role model WW. I've given up a lot to show I'm committed to this marriage. Basically, he is telling me to look the other way until he decides he's had his fill.
I totally understand how my actions led to these consequences and I own that, but I will not own his choices. This is totally tearing me up. He wants to know I'm committed and in this marriage, but wants to have his own affair while seeing everything from me. I can't rebuild a marriage when he's dating and he'll bent on an affair. How am I supposed to do this? What do I do? What are my options? Anyone deal with a BS becoming a WS?
This is so messed up. BS welcome to respond, too.
Your husband having an affair after you having one will not solve, remedy, even the score, or heal either of you.
Even as a WW, you are allowed and should have boundaries. And those boundaries are allowed to include not tolerating your husband cheating for the next year with another woman.
Who gets to decide when y'all are even? Do you have a flow chart? Is he going to f*ck her the same amount of times you did the OM? Are the texts and emails going to be even between both couples?
Infidelity hurts. He hurts. I have no doubt about it. But I assure you, his being another woman is not going to un-betray him. His screwing someone else is not going to take his hurt away. In fact, it's going to complicate it. Because much like he needs to process, deal, and heal from your betrayal, you will have to process, deal, and heal from his. It ADDS to the layers of screwed-up in the post affair aftermath.
There is a thread in the ICR forum for madhatters. It is for couples that are both betrayed and wayward. You might want to check that out.
[This message edited by Aubrie at 1:50 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]
He also thinks he can end it after he gets his satisfaction and that we can move forward.
Wow. If she doesn't know this, I'm sorry, but your (B)H is behaving like a horrible excuse for a human. (Let she who is without blame cast the first stone...and I'm qualified to throw stones.)
Second, aside from him deceiving this woman, adding more hurt to an already painful situation isn't the answer. No reason ever justifies an affair, including "well, you did it first, so ha!"
I can't rebuild a marriage when he's dating and hell bent on an affair. How am I supposed to do this?
You're not. If he wants to date, he needs to divorce you. Period. And you have every right to establish that boundary. You can't control (B)H, you can't tell him what to do, but you can tell him what you will do if he cheats on you.
Wanting the WS to pay, wanting them to suffer...that's a common reaction from BSs. A normal, totally understandable feeling. Acting on it, however, by betraying not only you but this woman...that is 100% on him.
Anyone deal with a BS becoming a WS?
There's a whole thread devoted to it in the I Can Relate forum, called "Madhatters Only Thread." Madhatter (MH) is a term for a M in which both spouses cheated. Not a club your (B)H wants to join, I'm sure they would tell him.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
You broke the original parameters and are trying to make amends appropriate to those damaged parameters. He is creating new parameters and telling you take it or leave it.
So...do you want to take it? Or consult a lawyer? What does your gut say?
Most definitely check out the MadHatter's thread in the I Can Relate forum.
I could *kinda* see you being on the fence if he had engaged in a ONS as a result of what you have done. But what he is doing right now is just so far over the line, regardless of what you have done, that it constitutes downright cruelty and you don't deserve that.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Do you really want to be married to someone who needs it to be even and equal?
[This message edited by rachelc at 5:42 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
BH came home and he was acting very strangely. He was flirting with me! Really playful, teasing me, initiating play fights... just how we used to be years ago.
We had dinner, watched a film. Afterwards, I was tidying up, he disappeared into the kitchen. I was putting something away in a cupboard and glanced round the corner. He was stood at the end of the kitchen with his back to me, under the pretence of checking on his snake in the vivarium. But I could see he was actually typing away on his phone. I asked what he was doing, he replied "nothing" and shoved his phone in his pocket.
This is usually really hard for me to do as I have a pursuer coping mechanism and we have a distancer/pursuer relationship dynamic but I have decided to step back completely. I'm not even going to ask questions. I can't control him, his choices are his own. They may be coming from a place of pain, pain that I caused. But he still has a choice, just as I did. So I'm going to let it play out.
Would I leave him if he had a revenge A or ONS? No, probably not. Not because I think I deserve to be treated that way or because I think it will make us even. But because I don't think cheating is a dealbreaker for me. I have my IC session on Tuesday and I'll talk about it then.
HFL, I know that this must be making your stomach twist in knots and feel sick with anxiety. Are you and your H in any kind of MC? Please point him in the direction of the MH thread, it might help him get some clarity. I'll be thinking of you (((hugs)))
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
What do you do? You march yourself down to a lawyer, get legal advice about what a legal separation or divorce entails, and you start preparing to legally disentangle your lives together. Married people do not get to date. Married people do not get to fuck other people. Yes, he's hurt. I get that. I SO get that. That does not change the fact that married people do not go out and find someone else to be their fuck-buddy.
You made a choice to commit infidelity. If this was a deal-breaker for your BH, then his choice should be to divorce you. One nuclear bomb has already been thrown into this marriage how much radiation poisoning can it absorb?
You are no more to blame for forcing him to have an affair than he is for forcing you to have an affair. These are individual choices that are completely on each of you, individually. If he's decided to essentially commit an exit-affair, then find a lawyer. Maybe that will bring him back to his senses. Maybe it will confirm in his mind that splitting up with such an ungrateful WW is the right thing to do. Whatever. This insanity has to stop somewhere. Or the two of you better put up a scorecard and figure out what even-Stephen means.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Things will not get better on their own. Do you plan to wait it out and hope one day he will realize how shitty his behavior is?
In my opinion, there is something very sadistic about this "revenge affair." He's not cheating just because he's messed up. He is cheating because he is messed up and wants to punish you.
nothing even close to R in this
Respect yourself and draw a line in the sand.
And it's also about regaining his self-respect.
For real? Cheating is about losing your self-respect.
[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 8:30 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]
This is hard. I want to continue to work on us healing, but now I find myself also wanting to back off because I need to mentally protect myself and be strong for what's coming. He thinks we should both work on the marriage during all this, but it's hard to be vulnerable to him when he flat out tells me he's starting to cheat. And obviously he's not ready to be vulnerable to me.
He says I deserve it.
So it's okay to devastate an outsider who did nothing to him in order to give you what you deserve? Wow.
I'm sad for you all but mostly for the woman he's playing games with. He thinks he can have a revenge affair? Wrong. No matter what he does, he will never be even because his affair won't be for the same reasons as yours. He knows exactly how devastating and painful it is and he will be inflicting that pain deliberately. And in the end, he'll have created more problems instead of solving any. On top of the further damage to your marriage, he'll have damaged his self-esteem if he ever has had any kind of morals. I would imagine that the self-injury of cheating is just as hard to overcome as the pain of being cheated on. And this time, he'll have done it to himself and have to live with it. Based on what I've seen on this site, revenge affairs rarely have the desired outcome.
He thinks we should both work on the marriage during all this
Is counselling an option for either of you? An impartial third party might help him think more rationally.
From what you've said I don't think he actually wants to cheat. What he wants is you to relate to the depth of pain he's feeling.
This is totally tearing me up. He wants to know I'm committed and in this marriage, but wants to have his own affair while seeing everything from me.
Many WS will find they have "boundary" issues, not in just their own actions, but in setting boundaries and enforcing them with others.
Your actions did not lead to his behavior. However, you are not setting boundaries that are healthy, for you, or for your marriage.
Set clear boundaries, make your wishes and expectations known, respect yourself, expect the same from others and take no less.
You don't deserve this, nobody does.
Good luck, sorry you are dealing with this end as well.
We did mc right away but he wanted to stop. He refuses IC. I go to IC. He says if he goes they'll tell him what he already knows-that this is wrong, then he'll be back to anger. When he thinks about having an ra he can control the anger. Probably because he feels he has control over something.
I posted last week about turning down a job (i'm a sahm) so that he knew I was focused on this marriage and the kids. During our talk I flat out asked him if he was seeing anyone and he said no. Two days later he was on his second date. We had a discussion about that tonight and he said he lied because he wanted me to make a decision for the marriage on my true feelings. Basically, he didn't want me to take the job and leave. So, I know he wants the marriage and he's said today several times he wants to do this, get it over, and move forward with me. Part of the issue is also the curiosity factor. I am his only and I can't say that about myself. Not proud of that.
I've ruined something very special between us. So now he wants to dabble. And, like a WS can't feel the absolute depth of pain a BS goes through, he won't know the WS crap until he goes through it.
He is in a struggle.