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Newest Member: Romulus (45761)

User Topic: What do you do when your BS starts a revenge affair?
hopefaithlove4
42384
Member # 42384
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a bit of t/j from BBT, but I find myself in a mess that keeps getting uglier. I discovered that BS has now seen a woman twice that he met on match.com. He blames my affair for this, saying he wants to experience what I had, doesn't want to be that naive person anymore, and some revenge. He's been open with all my questions (I think) but this is turning in to a reluctant open marriage. He plans on continuing seeing her for the year--he's not sure, he thinks. He also thinks he can end it after he gets his satisfaction and that we can move forward. Right now he sees this as part of moving forward.

In a skewed away, I can understand this. He knows where I stand, but is saying it's either this or divorce. From my previous posts, you all have an idea of me. I have been 100% transparent, honest, and the role model WW. I've given up a lot to show I'm committed to this marriage. Basically, he is telling me to look the other way until he decides he's had his fill.

I totally understand how my actions led to these consequences and I own that, but I will not own his choices. This is totally tearing me up. He wants to know I'm committed and in this marriage, but wants to have his own affair while seeing everything from me. I can't rebuild a marriage when he's dating and he'll bent on an affair. How am I supposed to do this? What do I do? What are my options? Anyone deal with a BS becoming a WS?

This is so messed up. BS welcome to respond, too.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look at it this way. We're in the garden and I chop your leg off with an ax. Do you think the best remedy to fix everything is to snip my arms off with the garden sheers?

Your husband having an affair after you having one will not solve, remedy, even the score, or heal either of you.

Even as a WW, you are allowed and should have boundaries. And those boundaries are allowed to include not tolerating your husband cheating for the next year with another woman.

Who gets to decide when y'all are even? Do you have a flow chart? Is he going to f*ck her the same amount of times you did the OM? Are the texts and emails going to be even between both couples?

Infidelity hurts. He hurts. I have no doubt about it. But I assure you, his being another woman is not going to un-betray him. His screwing someone else is not going to take his hurt away. In fact, it's going to complicate it. Because much like he needs to process, deal, and heal from your betrayal, you will have to process, deal, and heal from his. It ADDS to the layers of screwed-up in the post affair aftermath.

There is a thread in the ICR forum for madhatters. It is for couples that are both betrayed and wayward. You might want to check that out.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 1:50 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6437 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, I am outraged for this woman, because I assume he's lying to her and hasn't told her she's merely a pawn in his game. He's treating her like a disposable toy, which is just sick and wrong.

He also thinks he can end it after he gets his satisfaction and that we can move forward.

Wow. If she doesn't know this, I'm sorry, but your (B)H is behaving like a horrible excuse for a human. (Let she who is without blame cast the first stone...and I'm qualified to throw stones.)

Second, aside from him deceiving this woman, adding more hurt to an already painful situation isn't the answer. No reason ever justifies an affair, including "well, you did it first, so ha!"

I can't rebuild a marriage when he's dating and hell bent on an affair. How am I supposed to do this?

You're not. If he wants to date, he needs to divorce you. Period. And you have every right to establish that boundary. You can't control (B)H, you can't tell him what to do, but you can tell him what you will do if he cheats on you.

Wanting the WS to pay, wanting them to suffer...that's a common reaction from BSs. A normal, totally understandable feeling. Acting on it, however, by betraying not only you but this woman...that is 100% on him.

Anyone deal with a BS becoming a WS?

There's a whole thread devoted to it in the I Can Relate forum, called "Madhatters Only Thread." Madhatter (MH) is a term for a M in which both spouses cheated. Not a club your (B)H wants to join, I'm sure they would tell him.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
isadora
♀ 29130
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your A isn't causing this. He is making a choice. there are a lit of BS out there that in their anger thing that an RA will get them even. It won't. Two wrongs do not make it right. You are allowed boundaries. Just because you had an A does not mean you have to tolerate his.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4520 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
DTERMINED2SURVIV
♀ 42294
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drop him....My ws cheated on me several times. I never have and never would "get back" at him. The best revenge is loving someone so much they wonder how they ever hurt you.....




Posts: 272 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You ask yourself if you are willing to accept his unilateral, and obviously warped and disfunctional, rewriting of your marital parameters.

You broke the original parameters and are trying to make amends appropriate to those damaged parameters. He is creating new parameters and telling you take it or leave it.

So...do you want to take it? Or consult a lawyer? What does your gut say?


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will tell you what I tell all people who have unremorseful spouses who won't stop *dating* -- End the Marriage.

Most definitely check out the MadHatter's thread in the I Can Relate forum.

I could *kinda* see you being on the fence if he had engaged in a ONS as a result of what you have done. But what he is doing right now is just so far over the line, regardless of what you have done, that it constitutes downright cruelty and you don't deserve that.

I'm sorry.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
StuckinNJagain
♂ 42140
Member # 42140
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS about 7 weeks from dday 2. I thought long and hard about doing just what youe BS is doing. I admit the revenge factor is always swirling around in my mind and i even posted about it. Thankfully i didnt go thru with it. One of the replies to my post helped me see what effect this can have on my kids who are always my #1 priority. What message are you sending to them? This made me back off that idea. Dont get me wrong, the idea of giving my WW a taste of her own medicine is very tempting, and i have the opportunity. I just wont give her the satisfaction of knowing that i am as bad as her. I am not and i have my integrity intact. His A is just a offensive as yours and 2 wrongs wont ever equal out in this case. I cannot condemn WW if i am just as guilty regardless of reason. I as a BS have so many crazy things running thru my mind these days its numbing. Im sure he is the same. Just wanted to give a little perspective from BS side.


BH-46 (me)
WS-44
DD-16
DS-12
First Dday-2/09
Sec Dday-1/14
Married 17 yrs. Together 26

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NJ
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can barely stand to read this thread as its so triggery for me.
Please don't stand for this. My husband had two affairs after mine. He said they weren't RA but they hurt our recovery do much that we may not make it.
I wish I had been more firm in not putting up with his acting out, whatever reason he did it.

Do you really want to be married to someone who needs it to be even and equal?

[This message edited by rachelc at 5:42 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5537 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly don't know.

BH came home and he was acting very strangely. He was flirting with me! Really playful, teasing me, initiating play fights... just how we used to be years ago.

We had dinner, watched a film. Afterwards, I was tidying up, he disappeared into the kitchen. I was putting something away in a cupboard and glanced round the corner. He was stood at the end of the kitchen with his back to me, under the pretence of checking on his snake in the vivarium. But I could see he was actually typing away on his phone. I asked what he was doing, he replied "nothing" and shoved his phone in his pocket.

This is usually really hard for me to do as I have a pursuer coping mechanism and we have a distancer/pursuer relationship dynamic but I have decided to step back completely. I'm not even going to ask questions. I can't control him, his choices are his own. They may be coming from a place of pain, pain that I caused. But he still has a choice, just as I did. So I'm going to let it play out.

Would I leave him if he had a revenge A or ONS? No, probably not. Not because I think I deserve to be treated that way or because I think it will make us even. But because I don't think cheating is a dealbreaker for me. I have my IC session on Tuesday and I'll talk about it then.

HFL, I know that this must be making your stomach twist in knots and feel sick with anxiety. Are you and your H in any kind of MC? Please point him in the direction of the MH thread, it might help him get some clarity. I'll be thinking of you (((hugs)))


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
hopefaithlove4
42384
Member # 42384
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says they haven't done anything other than hug greeting/goodbye. But he is attracted to her and doesn't know how far he wants to take it. He says he wants to have what I had during my affair. And it's also about regaining his self-respect. I can understand both. He also says that regardless of what happens, he'll come back and recommit to the marriage.
He basically wants a friend with benefits for a bit. He doesn't want the emotional/relationship part. It is so messed up.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
StuckinNJagain
♂ 42140
Member # 42140
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know i did and still do question my self worth. I think he may have wanted to stray before and now has an out. It is revenge pure and simple, nothing more nothing less. I also know that i couldnt look my kids in the eye and explain what an awful thing their mom did while i was doing the same. It Hippocritical. I will regain my self respect by taking the high road. I hope he comes to the same realization soon.


BH-46 (me)
WS-44
DD-16
DS-12
First Dday-2/09
Sec Dday-1/14
Married 17 yrs. Together 26

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NJ
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW here.

What do you do? You march yourself down to a lawyer, get legal advice about what a legal separation or divorce entails, and you start preparing to legally disentangle your lives together. Married people do not get to date. Married people do not get to fuck other people. Yes, he's hurt. I get that. I SO get that. That does not change the fact that married people do not go out and find someone else to be their fuck-buddy.

You made a choice to commit infidelity. If this was a deal-breaker for your BH, then his choice should be to divorce you. One nuclear bomb has already been thrown into this marriage how much radiation poisoning can it absorb?

You are no more to blame for forcing him to have an affair than he is for forcing you to have an affair. These are individual choices that are completely on each of you, individually. If he's decided to essentially commit an exit-affair, then find a lawyer. Maybe that will bring him back to his senses. Maybe it will confirm in his mind that splitting up with such an ungrateful WW is the right thing to do. Whatever. This insanity has to stop somewhere. Or the two of you better put up a scorecard and figure out what even-Stephen means.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5102 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Mrs Panda
♀ 27303
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you doing?

Things will not get better on their own. Do you plan to wait it out and hope one day he will realize how shitty his behavior is?

In my opinion, there is something very sadistic about this "revenge affair." He's not cheating just because he's messed up. He is cheating because he is messed up and wants to punish you.

nothing even close to R in this

Respect yourself and draw a line in the sand.

And it's also about regaining his self-respect.

For real? Cheating is about losing your self-respect.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 8:30 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
hopefaithlove4
42384
Member # 42384
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have talked a lot and argued a lot and cried and hugged. Whole range of emotions. I don't think he truly wants to do it, aside from that lure to finally fulfill a fantasy and he is using my a for justification. I think he is just really struggling. He says I put us in this spot. I'm not taking responsibility for his choice or justifying. He says I deserve it. If he does it for that, then we have no marriage. The vindication will never get repaid enough for him to be satisfied. And the fact that he would take the actions to do that says he cares little about saving the marriage.

This is hard. I want to continue to work on us healing, but now I find myself also wanting to back off because I need to mentally protect myself and be strong for what's coming. He thinks we should both work on the marriage during all this, but it's hard to be vulnerable to him when he flat out tells me he's starting to cheat. And obviously he's not ready to be vulnerable to me.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says I deserve it.

So it's okay to devastate an outsider who did nothing to him in order to give you what you deserve? Wow.

I'm sad for you all but mostly for the woman he's playing games with. He thinks he can have a revenge affair? Wrong. No matter what he does, he will never be even because his affair won't be for the same reasons as yours. He knows exactly how devastating and painful it is and he will be inflicting that pain deliberately. And in the end, he'll have created more problems instead of solving any. On top of the further damage to your marriage, he'll have damaged his self-esteem if he ever has had any kind of morals. I would imagine that the self-injury of cheating is just as hard to overcome as the pain of being cheated on. And this time, he'll have done it to himself and have to live with it. Based on what I've seen on this site, revenge affairs rarely have the desired outcome.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4276 | Registered: Sep 2005
soconfusednow
♀ 40078
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He thinks we should both work on the marriage during all this
Having a RA is not working on the M. It is being selfish.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think on some level he blames himself for your A? If he views A as justified payback for pain then maybe he blames issues in your marriage on himself and thinks you had an A for revenge? Which is seriously messed up thinking!

Is counselling an option for either of you? An impartial third party might help him think more rationally.

From what you've said I don't think he actually wants to cheat. What he wants is you to relate to the depth of pain he's feeling.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
standinghere
♂ 34689
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is totally tearing me up. He wants to know I'm committed and in this marriage, but wants to have his own affair while seeing everything from me.

Many WS will find they have "boundary" issues, not in just their own actions, but in setting boundaries and enforcing them with others.

Your actions did not lead to his behavior. However, you are not setting boundaries that are healthy, for you, or for your marriage.

Set clear boundaries, make your wishes and expectations known, respect yourself, expect the same from others and take no less.

You don't deserve this, nobody does.

Good luck, sorry you are dealing with this end as well.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
hopefaithlove4
42384
Member # 42384
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, he does not blame himself for my affair or any problems in the marriage that led to it. We both agree that it was my choice and I could have picked differently.

We did mc right away but he wanted to stop. He refuses IC. I go to IC. He says if he goes they'll tell him what he already knows-that this is wrong, then he'll be back to anger. When he thinks about having an ra he can control the anger. Probably because he feels he has control over something.

I posted last week about turning down a job (i'm a sahm) so that he knew I was focused on this marriage and the kids. During our talk I flat out asked him if he was seeing anyone and he said no. Two days later he was on his second date. We had a discussion about that tonight and he said he lied because he wanted me to make a decision for the marriage on my true feelings. Basically, he didn't want me to take the job and leave. So, I know he wants the marriage and he's said today several times he wants to do this, get it over, and move forward with me. Part of the issue is also the curiosity factor. I am his only and I can't say that about myself. Not proud of that.

I've ruined something very special between us. So now he wants to dabble. And, like a WS can't feel the absolute depth of pain a BS goes through, he won't know the WS crap until he goes through it.

He is in a struggle.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
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