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Feeling helpless

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HotMessInTX posted 2/22/2014 17:57 PM

I would expect I am not alone in feeling helpless and powerless when it comes to the suffering I see in my BH. Everything that has happened since D-day 3 weeks ago is expected from everything I have read on here. I never know when he will breakdown, when he will seem ok, etc. It is most definitely a roller coaster ride. I just see the immense pain and I am doing everything I can think of but sometimes it seems as if it is not making a difference at all.

I was traveling this whole past week for work and it was terribly rough on him. Not only was he caring for our three kids but me traveling is a trigger for him. I didn't want to go but this is a new job since Sept and until I find another, I need to travel. I missed him terribly and couldn't wait to get home. Like the week before, I got a rough night instead of the welcome I had hoped for. I know and accept where he is but I am so sad. Sad to see his hurt and not be able to make it go away.

My IC appt was cancelled today, therapist was sick. I so wanted to talk about things. I knew my BH needed a break so I booked him a hotel room for the night and he's taking today and tomorrow for himself. I miss him though. I'm exhausted and just saw him for such a short time and now he's gone for two days.

We both know this process is going to be long and difficult and at times terribly painful. The last three weeks have been torture to say the least. More so for him I'm sure, but for me too. I am seeing so many things in a different light right now. I want nothing more in this world than to be with my BH and make our marriage work. I love and miss him dearly.

I don't know how to help with his anxiety about whether the AP and I are communicating. I have offered full transparency. I keep in touch with him all the time, trying to reassure him. I don't know how else to ease that for him.

I hate myself for what I've done. I think the worst part is knowing I can never really fix it.

Deeply Scared posted 2/22/2014 21:27 PM


His anxiety is something that will just have to be worked through on a daily basis. I think you being so transparent and open is the best approach to helping ease his fears.

Everything is so delicate in the very early stages that it can feel like you're walking on egg shells. I can hear the sadness in your words...I understand where you are and what you're struggling with.

Some of the best advice I ever got was from my mom and she said the only way through this is *through* this. It's so true and yet so lonely at the same time. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and staying as steady as you can...things will get better

BrokenButTrying posted 2/23/2014 03:28 AM

Hi HotMess,

I feel your pain, it's tough so sending strength (((hugs)))

We are eight weeks out and things are still the same. He doesn't want to talk about it, is pushing me away one minute, pulling me back the next. He hates me but he loves me, he hates himself for loving me because of what I've done. It's messy and confusing.

I hurt when he hurts and knowing I'm the cause of his pain is heartbreaking. It's hard to overcome the feelings of self loathing and disgust.

The only thing you can do is stay strong. Be patient, ride the roller coaster with him. Don't rush him through this process (I've made that mistake a few times!) Don't try to force him down a healing path, he needs to do whatever he feels is best in order to get through it. You just need to support him as much as he'll allow you to.

Listen when he needs to talk, back off when he wants space. Keep going with being open and transparent, continue with your IC, try to book another appointment as soon as you can. The only thing that will make this any better is time.

Hang in there.

HotMessInTX posted 2/23/2014 07:39 AM

Thank you. Time. It's like my friend and my enemy at the same time. It is hearbreaking to be the cause of his pain; the pain that is so raw and visible. And it is so very lonely as I do everything to comfort him as he allows but have no comfort myself.

It is good for me to read posts on here of others who are in similar situations. One step at a time.

PrideFallen posted 2/23/2014 10:30 AM

Travel for work is a significant issue for my BW and me as well, and is front of mind for me as I'm actually on a plane at the moment. (Fighting my workaholic tendencies by reading on SI rather than working, as was my historical MO.)
As others have said, with time things can get better.

First and foremost, make sure you have the right expectations when you get home. Warm welcomes will probably be a long time in coming.

That said, we've found that if I keep her up to date, not only after the fact but with details of what is on tap for the day, it helps. Send texts and emails as often as you can (obviously assuming that communication from you in general is welcome).

Would your job allow a month or some similar short-term break from travel? Not sure what options you have but not being there at this point - while not insurmountable by any means - may be lengthening your overall recovery timeline.

Stay strong, keep reaching out even if it doesn't feel like you're making progress, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

eleanor2012 posted 3/3/2014 10:57 AM

Your post made me cry.

Although my BH and I didn't have a full-on DDay, he suspected something for years and developed horrible anxiety when I wasn't with him. We are four years out and it still happens every once in awhile. There is really no solution - only time. Time will heal it. Hang in there and a hug to you.

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