I would expect I am not alone in feeling helpless and powerless when it comes to the suffering I see in my BH. Everything that has happened since D-day 3 weeks ago is expected from everything I have read on here. I never know when he will breakdown, when he will seem ok, etc. It is most definitely a roller coaster ride. I just see the immense pain and I am doing everything I can think of but sometimes it seems as if it is not making a difference at all.
I was traveling this whole past week for work and it was terribly rough on him. Not only was he caring for our three kids but me traveling is a trigger for him. I didn't want to go but this is a new job since Sept and until I find another, I need to travel. I missed him terribly and couldn't wait to get home. Like the week before, I got a rough night instead of the welcome I had hoped for. I know and accept where he is but I am so sad. Sad to see his hurt and not be able to make it go away.
My IC appt was cancelled today, therapist was sick. I so wanted to talk about things. I knew my BH needed a break so I booked him a hotel room for the night and he's taking today and tomorrow for himself. I miss him though. I'm exhausted and just saw him for such a short time and now he's gone for two days.
We both know this process is going to be long and difficult and at times terribly painful. The last three weeks have been torture to say the least. More so for him I'm sure, but for me too. I am seeing so many things in a different light right now. I want nothing more in this world than to be with my BH and make our marriage work. I love and miss him dearly.
I don't know how to help with his anxiety about whether the AP and I are communicating. I have offered full transparency. I keep in touch with him all the time, trying to reassure him. I don't know how else to ease that for him.
I hate myself for what I've done. I think the worst part is knowing I can never really fix it.