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need help combating thoughts

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Scorpio2310 posted 2/22/2014 21:16 PM

I know that I am wrong for feeling this way, and that other WS have felt this way at one time or another, but right now I feel like my BSO is just trying to find things that I am doing wrong. I also feel like nothing I am doing to build back our relationship is right.

I also know that these thoughts are wrong. My BSO has told me that there have been time that she has went looking through my things (phone, email, profiles, etc.) and not found anything, but only after I had told her that she never comes to me and let me know that, that she only comes to me when there is a problem and that comes across as her just looking for something to be wrong.

I just want some advice on how to combat these thoughts as they come up.

grains posted 2/22/2014 22:59 PM

I know what you are going through. I have had the same thoughts myself. It was very difficult in the beginning. We become defensive. I learned from SI that it always helps to remember that we perceive as fault finding by our BS is really an expression of the suffering we caused them by our betrayal. When I think of it this way, I do not become defensive but instead try to offer my BS support. I apologize to her for the suffering I caused her by my betrayal. I do not think a WS can apologize enough. Please try that perspective. I hope you find your peace with your BS and most of all with yourself.

ChloeandPrimo posted 2/23/2014 02:20 AM

I'm always confused about when I can and can't post on WS site, but I'll try. I'm a BS. Just found out on 1/1/14.

I like what the previous post said. He's right. When I'm looking through my husband's things, it's because I'm hurting and afraid. I'm afraid that I'll once again be stupid and not see the obvious.

Sometimes I look because I have the need to do something--anything--about the situation, so I search. I don't like searching, but it's like picking at a scab. I look forward to the day I'm not consumed by the betrayals and do not think about searching. But the problem is that I went a decade without ever even thinking about searching because I trusted him completely. Now I feel foolish that he was betraying me right and left and I had no idea.

When she searches, don't show impatience, anger, exasperation, or self-pity when she does. Be patient with her and apologize for the hurt you are putting her through. Even though she may not seem to want to hear it, she does want you to tell her how special she is and how much you want the marriage to work out. Good luck.

HotMessInTX posted 2/23/2014 07:50 AM

I struggle with this some as well. I try to do all the things in my arsenal I can think of. I try not to be defensive. I try to be comforting and I am apologetic and focused on his pain. Even with all of that, he has some pretty rough times still and it often feels like I have done nothing to ease any of his suffering.

I welcome the phone searches yet my BH doesn't want to be that guy he says. I sometimes wish he would if it helps the anxiety just a little even.

I agree with grains as well.. can't really apologize enough. I continue to let my BH know how sorry I am, how much I regret my behavior and how committed I am to making the R work.

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