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At a loss; need guidance please

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futurehoper posted 2/22/2014 22:37 PM

Hi everyone. This is my first post; I have been reading the forums for many months now. I made my WH move out Jan 31. He told me Nov. 11 that he was unhappy in our marriage, trickle truth led to me finding out later on that he had been having an emotional affair with a coworker, and they had just been caught by her husband. There was some physical aspect to it (drunk kiss/fondling while at an out of town convention in October). We had a false reconciliation in December, when he really seemed to have empathy and compassion for me, and we were doing wonderful (on vacation from work/her). Once he returned to work, and she continued to go to him for anything she could think of, we started to fight again. Here is my big question...I am the only one of the four of us (both couples) who think that one of them needs to find another job. Add to that, my husband is active duty army, her supervisor, and for my husband to change jobs would mean my family would need to move (and we have a son in high school); letting supervisors know could lead to reprimands, and he will be retiring in 2 years (I don't really have a concern for his career right now, but I do care about the financial impact this could have on my children). So...what can I do? I feel like this is completely helpless. I am going for therapy, exercising, trying to move on, but I see him all the time due to the kids. It is so hard. How do others/have others dealt with work affairs? Thanks to all in advance. I'm hopeful for a support network, but very sad that any of us are in this situation!

gonnabe2016 posted 2/22/2014 23:30 PM

Does OW's husband not care that she is continuing contact with your WH?

Thefly559 posted 2/23/2014 04:48 AM

You cope exactly the way you are now. By focusing on you. My stbxww did the same with a guy from work. I am sorry Time time time

PurpleRose posted 2/23/2014 06:54 AM

I need more information.. Are you divorcing? Or just S with the hope of R?

MyTurnATL posted 2/23/2014 07:12 AM

Here is my story. See if any of it sounds familiar.

My Ex had A with co-worker. Found out when her H discovered. My Ex swore he loved me, wanted marriage. He took time off work so we could re-connect, etc. (found out later he was still in contact telling AP he needed to get things calmed down at home). He went back to work and she was there in his face, tempting him, how could he resist #sarcasm#. Of course, at AP's home, the story was that my Ex was constantly after her and wouldn't stay away. Then guess what? My Ex actually changed his job, and you know what? The A didn't stop. He's my Ex now, so you can guess the rest of the story.

You are doing all the right things by going to therapy and taking care of yourself, but you need to get ANGRY. He is an asshole who ignored you and your children for his own selfish interest. When I kicked my Ex out, I was scared, but it got easier when I started to see him for the steaming pile of shit that he was. When I stopped putting any blame on AP and put it all on Ex's shoulders. When I saw him, it become hard not to want to rip his head off. Eventually, I was able to be around him for short periods and he was just somebody that I used to know.

You have to process things in your own time and your own way, but for me, my real healing began when I got angry.

I'm sorry you are here and you and your kids are going through this. It sucks.

[This message edited by MyTurnATL at 7:13 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)]

futurehoper posted 2/23/2014 09:09 AM

Thanks to all for the help. Gonnabe, correct, the OW's husband does not 'care' that they are in constant contact because she comes up with all kinds of excuses that he believes. (She went to my husband's hotel room because she was thirsty. I asked, did she not have a sink in her room? He hadn't thought of that.) This is the OW's husband's 3rd marriage, and he seems a bit off (psychologically), so I think he is trying to believe anything to make it work. It isn't working though; their whole department in the hospital knows she and her husband are fighting; she is even missing work because of it. I have told my husband many times that I have hope that we will be able to move past this and build a stronger marriage, but I don't get much in response, so I've stopped, no longer saying I love him or that I care for him, just trying to discuss kids/finances. So, yes, it looks like we are headed for divorce. I will not file, because I don't want to be blamed for ending the marriage. However, I have met with a lawyer, and will be prepared if/when he does. I have asked him to wait til I have the 20 yrs of marriage so I can have tricare for life (insurance)...huge savings. MyTurn, yes, our stories sound very familiar. I am now, finally, seeing him for the sad person that he is, lost/confused/self-loathing. I realize I cannot fix him or us. The sad thing is that he has noone to talk to. He can't talk to anyone at work because then he could risk his career; his family is very hands off (I did contact his mom last night and told her everything;she kept saying he has denied another woman, so I had to flat out tell her that he is telling her lies, and if she needs proof, I can show her). And he has no outside friends, not sure why but he has not nurtured any friendships in the 8 years that we have lived in our current city. I have absolutely no family to talk with, but have made some close friends and am reaching out to others for support. I know I am doing the right things for myself, but what really hurts is the way my children have had their lives shattered.

myowndystopia posted 2/23/2014 09:23 AM

How long until you have the 20 years of marriage? And don't think because you file that it's your fault the marriage ended! It ends because he went outside the marriage and had an affair. There are some advantages to being the one that files. For me- I wanted to be listed as the plaintiff. Also - if it goes to court, I will get to speak first so the first impression the judge will hear about our marriage/divorce will be the one I give. Since I filed- I feel like I'm driving this car- he may present the barriers but I feel like I'm steering. So don't think because you file you are the one throwing in the towel.

futurehoper posted 2/23/2014 09:52 AM

December of 2015 will be 20 years. I don't want HIM to be able to say to anyone (especially our children) that he tried to fix things and I wanted the divorce. He has done all the typical things a midlife crisis person does as far as rewriting history, blaming me for pushing him into an affair. He is completely unconnected with reality. I just don't want my kids to see me as the one who 'ended' the marriage...I know I didn't, and they know everything, so they know this is his fault. But, fortunately, he is trying to be extra involved with them right now, much easier going, having fun with them, so they are benefiting in a way. They are mad at him, but are connecting with him as far as spending time.

careerlady posted 2/23/2014 09:52 AM

I'm sorry you have to be here. Your WH is playing a dangerous game with his career as a supervisor of the MOW. He could end up with harassment charges too from what OW is saying. Hopefully your 20 years is up soon? Like myowndystopia said he ruined the marriage whether you file or not. Would get my ducks in order as much as possible were I you

futurehoper posted 2/23/2014 10:14 AM

Yes, careerlady, I know this. I get tempted at times, to out both of them at work, but realize my children would be affected; they will get college money thru his gi bill allotment, and they don't deserve to lose that. He has made quite a mess, and I know he realizes this. He has always been that nice guy, stand up type of ethically good person. He is the person everyone goes to to talk, because he is nice and nonjudgemental. I know he is angry at himself, and avoiding dealing with it completely. Fortunately, I can support myself as I have a good career (I think this may be part of his feeling inadequate? I now make a little more than he does) He has created a horrible mess, and I don't think he has the will/energy to fix it. So sad.

Softcentre posted 2/23/2014 10:50 AM

No advice to give on most of it, but, please, you earning more does NOT make him feel inadequate. He already feels insecure or whatever and might latch onto that as a reason so that he can blame you and absolve himself, but please don't fall for that sexist, victim mentality kind of thinking

futurehoper posted 2/23/2014 11:12 AM

Softcentre, thank you for the chuckle I got from your history 'fat bottomed girl'. I want soooo badly to say to my husband (who is very easy on the eyes) WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU CHEAT WITH HER? SHE IS FAT AND HOMELY. IF YOU WERE GOING TO CHEAT, WHY NOT PICK SOMEONE YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL? But, I know the answer...he is lazy, she was easy opportunity as she literally threw herself at him and he didn't need to do any work for her affection.

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