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Double and triple takes on women. Help.

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kayaker55 posted 2/22/2014 23:48 PM

Am in Hawaii for vacation. Many beautiful provocatively dressed women on the streets. FWH taking second + looks. I am feeling stressed and vulnerable. Before finding out about all his duplicity this never bothered me. But suddenly I have a pit in my stomach. He has been the model of R. I hate this, makes me feel crazy.
Gawd, this crap takes a toll on self esteem. And I want to be a strong woman.
Could use a hug.

StillLivin posted 2/22/2014 23:54 PM

Breathe and try and enjoy the vacation. I was stationed in HI. Yes, the Hawaiian women so beautiful that I found myself, completely heterosexual, in awe. Just take a deep breath and remember that he is in R with you and not them. If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't.
And enjoy the mai tais! Aloha!

kayaker55 posted 2/23/2014 00:14 AM

Thanks Still.
It just happened so fast on our way back from dinner. Woman in a lace dress. Not sure he even registered he did it. I sunk like a stone, heart racing, went quiet. Ouch.
Wow, this sucks.

StillLivin posted 2/23/2014 00:17 AM

I'd have been too busy looking at the gorgeous men to notice him looking at the women!
Which island are you visiting? If it is Oahu, I can recommend some great places to eat and visit!

kayaker55 posted 2/23/2014 00:28 AM

Yep. 35th floor of Hyatt Waikiki overlooking the ocean.
Different me looking at the dudes, I don't have a history of porn, strippers and hookers.
This is a mind f*ck. I gotta get a grip!

StillLivin posted 2/23/2014 01:07 AM

I hope you called fwh out on it.
If you like Thai food, the BEST place, though all are pretty hood, is Souvaly's on Kamehameha Hwy down the street from the Pearlridge mall. And the best luau is on North shore at the Polynesian Cultural Center. I always got the mid grade package, but would upgrade the evening show to front row seats. The show is amazing, and definitely worth the price of the upgrade. Their are also some great tourist snorkeling trips to take. If you are staying long enough for diving classes, Google dive bitches. They are the best run, IMO, on the island. If I think of anything else I'll pm you.

Ostrich80 posted 2/23/2014 02:03 AM

Take advantage of the beautiful surroundings, that aren't in human form. I was so in awe of the ocean, fish, and sea turtles, I don't think I even noticed the people. Rent some gear and go snorkeling. I'm not an ocean swimmer but when I was there, I felt like a mermaid, I couldn't stay out of the water. There will always be some young thang strutting around but he's there with YOU. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your vacsy.

Nature_Girl posted 2/23/2014 02:36 AM

So then nobody but me thinks that it's disrespectful for one's unfaithful husband to be openly ogling women while out with his wife?

refuz2bavictim posted 2/23/2014 05:10 AM


So then nobody but me thinks that it's disrespectful for one's unfaithful husband to be openly ogling women while out with his wife?

I believe it's disrespectful and hurtful.

a history of porn, strippers and hookers.

That certainly helps put this double/triple take behavior in perspective, especially when women have been viewed as objects and/or business transactions.

While you should most certainly enjoy your time there, taking in the scenery (you can only control you)

I'd call him out on the disrespectful behavior. Whether he is consciously aware of his behavior or not, it's been pointed out that there is beautiful scenery (not women)... that HE could be taking in. If he is there with YOU, he should be there with YOU with his eyes as well.

You deserve to enjoy this vacation. If that behavior is casting a cloud over your enjoyment, it is appropriate to voice the discomfort it causes. Let him him know that it does not go unnoticed and allow him to assume responsibility for his wandering eyes.


suckstobeme posted 2/23/2014 06:35 AM

I'm sorry that cast a cloud over this awesome vacation.

I'm not in R, but I have to believe that working on R means communication about these things. I don't know if he meant to do a double take or not, but he should be told that he did it and how it made you feel. If you are this upset - and I would be too - over this, then you're just doing your own version of rug sweeping if you let it slide and not voice your concerns and your pain over it.

rachelc posted 2/23/2014 07:05 AM

It IS disrespectful!
My husband did this for a YEAR after Dday. I didn't understand why, after being caught in two affairs, he didn't think women woulda kinda be off limits? He was an idiot about it and I called him on it all the time - crying fights over it.
Now, he doesnt' do it. I will NOT put up with this, nor should you.

stillhere09 posted 2/23/2014 07:41 AM


totallyconfused1 posted 2/23/2014 08:10 AM

Did you give him a sharp elbow in the ribs?

I'd certainly say something to him about it. At least when we were back in the room alone.

Williesmom posted 2/23/2014 08:44 AM

Definitely tell him that it is hurtful and disrespectful to you.

solus sto posted 2/23/2014 09:14 AM

He has been the model of R.
Not if he's doing triple-takes.

You may be in a beautiful setting, but that does not give license for hurtful and disrespectful behavior.

Gotmegood posted 2/23/2014 09:19 AM

Oh! I am so sorry that this has happened while you should be enjoying a vacation, and the person you are with. I have been in the same position and hated every minute of it, to my core. A trip planned to Paris w/ WH was cancelled at the last minute once and I was actually GLAD because of the specter of WH's head swiveling in the direction of every attractive young female within eyeshot. And its immediate effect on me.
This may be an issue that is particularly painful to those who have endured betrayal with a prostitute. After all, there is no individual woman who has captured your WH's attention. I feel unsafe everywhere. Anywhere there is a provocatively dressed, hyper sexualized female.
Please do not endure this assault on your self esteem. I have had many conversations about this behavior. I have likened his leering and staring to 'slapping' me. It hurts. I have told my WH that if he cannot CONTROL this behavior, it sends me the message that he is still in the mindset of 'women are objects that I can buy and use for my self gratification'.
I'm glad that you posted. I hope you can get your viewpoint across and enjoy the remainder of your vacay.

Sadmumma posted 2/23/2014 09:24 AM

I think it's disrespectful.

To look is one thing, but to ogle... That's rude


StillLivin posted 2/23/2014 09:39 AM

Oh I do think it is disrespectful, and I hope you called him out on it. But if he didn't act like he understood, was remorseful, and corrected his behavior, I would pull a complete and hard 180 on his ass and go enjoy HI. If he can't act respectfully, you have some choices. You can let his problems affect you and be sad or angry and continue to bring you down, or you can realize it is HIS dysfunction and refuse to allow him to ruin what should be a fantastic time. You can't file for D while in HI, but you can when you get back if he doesn't get his shit together immediately. So if I sounded like what he is doing was perfectly acceptable, my apologies, because it isn't. I'm just the type of person not to let a man ruin something that expensive for me. I would deal with it head on by calling him out on it. But regardless of his choices, no way in hell would he ruin beautiful HI. None of us deserved to be cheated on. I've come to realize that we can't change them if they don't want to fix themselves. Too many times I let my stbxh ruin times that should've been enjoyable. I will no longer let an unremorseful pos cheatinass spouse ever bring me down again. So my advice remains the same, go out and enjoy yourself. I hope for his sake he gets it together because he may just be about to lose the best thing he ever had. Call him out on it and lay down your boundaries, then move forward.

kayaker55 posted 2/23/2014 09:46 AM

Thanks peeps for the replies.
I am still after 1.5years of him stopping all SA behaviours, thanks to IC,navigating my way through how to be relaxed with him in these kind of situations. Don't even think he realized what he did with Miss Lace dress. She did look hot, there should be nothing wrong with the double take. But alass we now live with this new reality, for both of us. I just fell instantly like a stone into the insecurity. And yes, in the spirit of R I need to address with him how this makes me feel.This is uncomfortable. I hate all this.
Will do it tonight calmly. A day of snorkeling ahead in this beautiful place.
Thanks again for the support.

SpotlessMind posted 2/23/2014 09:47 AM

(((Kayaker))). I'm sorry you are hurting. Have you talked to your husband about how much this behavior bothers you?

He needs to know.

There is one train of thought that suggests people tell their spouses when they find someone else attractive. That de-mystifies the attraction, and makes it less secretive/deceptive/worrisome. I know sometimes now I will just flat-out ask my WH if I suspect he thinks another woman is attractive...and I usually do feel better if we talk about it. But he's not much of a "looker," so it happens rarely.

If it happened a lot, I think I would feel very unsafe, and I would absolutely expect my husband to address his behavior accordingly. But again, he can only do that if you tell him it's an issue for you. Try not to expect him to read your mind, then get upset when he doesn't. As you mentioned, he might not even be aware he's doing it.

Gently....I noticed the ongoing strippers, prostitutes, etc in your sig line. Is there a chance your WH is a sex addict? Because from what I've read around the forums, double and triple checking women is not only very common in SA's--it's also a slippery slope behavior that indicates the addiction is probably ongoing. Your WH might not have that issue, but a history deep in depersonalizing sex via paid, unemotional sex is often a flag that warrants further investigation. There may be a thread about SA in the I Can Relate forum that's worth your time.

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