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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: Dividing debt and retirement account balance
griefandrelief
♀ 42210
Member # 42210
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I made more money than my WH. I earned a PhD while married to him and took out maximum student loans because he was unemployed/under employed while I was in graduate school. The student loan that remains is big ($89,500). In addition, we have some consumer loan bills and we will have some debt for preparing the house for sale (that I have to do all by myself because he just walked out).

I have been trying to be nice (perhaps in a stupid attempt to have him realize what an ass he is being and how good he had it with me) and to keep a relationship with him for the sake of my DDs (17 & 15). I want him to be sure to give DDs $ through college and also to keep them on his insurance through 26 or marriage as the law allows.

Kansas, where I live, is a no fault state with the rule of both spouses own everything from the marriage equally. If I follow this, he owes over $53,000, as will I. Then there is the problem that only I have a retirement account (he never thought it was necessary to set one up - nor did he think he should purchase life insurance or anything like that). So, splitting it all up, he would get something like $26,000 and so would I. BUT if he took it out, he'd have to pay taxes on it, and mine would stay in the account.

He blew a gasket when I first said the splitting everything and it was ugly - that was when he told me no CS after 18 and he didn't want to pay for health insurance anymore for them "because he might want to put another family on it someday" (WTF???).

So, do I play hardball and just go by the letter of the law and pray that he'll do the right thing by the DDs? Or do I give him some sort of break to foster good will so he'll do the right thing? He has benefitted from my PhD over the last 7+ years and continues to benefit because he only has to pay about 40% of the total cost of CS for teenagers according to the state formula (leaving me with the rest). AND I am only asking him to pay 1/3 of the mortgage while we try to sell the house.

What do I do?? What did you do?? What were the aspects of your situation that led you to your decision? Am I missing something important that I should consider?


Love ... dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anais Nin
D-day 1/24/14. Divorcing. Moving forward in fits and starts.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: kansas
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so hard to ignore, but ignore him you must.
The judge has the final word. FTG.
Don't even talk about this with him anymore. At this late in the game, NC unless necessary. You would be surprised at how much is actually NOT necessary.
Don't talk on the phone, only text, but better yet, email.
Set his calls to go straight to VM and have a friend field his calls.
It is so freeing. I already addressed your other post, but pack his shit up and put it outside or take it to a friend's for him to go pick up.
Always ask for more, but be reasonable, judges don't like petty or bitter it wastes the courts' time.
Let your lawyer do his/her job. Ask for the moon and stars if you can and it won't piss off the judge.
It's late, I'm exhausted and been doing homework for hours.
When my mind is fresh I'll come back and answer your questions. Maybe by then, others will have come along and given sage advice!
(((griefandrelief)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2556 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Softcentre
39166
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you're nice to him now, what is to stop him doing what he threatened anyway?

Sounds like he still has that entitled attitude and being nice to him isn't going to stop him wanting what he wants, reasonable or not. He wants/has to blame you for all this, otherwise it becomes his fault. No matter what settlement you reach,he is likely to resent you because his standard of living will go down...so then he's going to want to spite you, regardless.

So you need to make the best business deal you can in this moment and don't assume any help from him in the future. I mean what if he loses his job like Tesla's? They could lose being on his insurance then. The one thing you need to remember: You cannot rely on an unremorseful wayward for anything.

[This message edited by Softcentre at 2:24 AM, February 23rd, 2014 (Sunday)]


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1118 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
neverbeokay
8275
Member # 8275
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has already indicated that he doesn't think he has any obligation to the children once they turn 18.

Clearly he is all about him. So look out for you and your kids.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Sep 2005
tesla
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop talking to him and have your lawyer present a settlement proposal to his that is the best deal for you and your daughters. Have a fallback position ready that you can accept. I know in my state there is consideration given for children going to college and how the breakdown of what the child's contribution and both parents' contribution ought to be for expenses.

In my state, whoever carries the children on insurance gets certain credits when CS is calculated. As children can be carried on insurance until 26, I'm sure there is a way to write it in the proposal that he has some sort of financial obligation for this...check with your lawyer.

I have only rarely seen playing nice with the WS work out on this board.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4835 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spoken words and intentions are worth NOTHING. Unless it's a legally binding agreement offered in mediation or as a settlement, it's not worth your energy, time or emotions.

Get it in writing, get it signed, get it in front of a judge.

And if he won't agree without major (unnecessary) concessions on your part, then let the judge make the decisions. For you and for your daughters.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13934 | Registered: Jul 2011
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Letter of the law and NO breaks. None. Stop worrying about what he thinks of you hon and how he feels about the process. All that matters is the best result for you and your DDs.

You got this.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
RealityStinks
♂ 41457
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Letter of the law and NO breaks. None. Stop worrying about what he thinks of you hon and how he feels about the process. All that matters is the best result for you and your DDs.

^^^^^ +1.

As several others have said to me "D is a business decision".


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Bebba1171
♂ 33857
Member # 33857
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello. I grew up in Kansas - Shawnee Mission.

Not sure if I really understand your calculations, but he should be able to roll over his share of your retirement account into a qualifying plan and not pay taxes


Divorced by Interlocutory decree in May 2012. WW had an affair with a 66 yo doctor she worked for.
D-Day Sept 16. 2011.
BH- 52 (Me) / XWW 50 - ages back in 2011
Two great kids that don't deserve this!

Posts: 727 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 9

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