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griefandrelief posted 2/23/2014 00:10 AM

So I made more money than my WH. I earned a PhD while married to him and took out maximum student loans because he was unemployed/under employed while I was in graduate school. The student loan that remains is big ($89,500). In addition, we have some consumer loan bills and we will have some debt for preparing the house for sale (that I have to do all by myself because he just walked out).

I have been trying to be nice (perhaps in a stupid attempt to have him realize what an ass he is being and how good he had it with me) and to keep a relationship with him for the sake of my DDs (17 & 15). I want him to be sure to give DDs $ through college and also to keep them on his insurance through 26 or marriage as the law allows.

Kansas, where I live, is a no fault state with the rule of both spouses own everything from the marriage equally. If I follow this, he owes over $53,000, as will I. Then there is the problem that only I have a retirement account (he never thought it was necessary to set one up - nor did he think he should purchase life insurance or anything like that). So, splitting it all up, he would get something like $26,000 and so would I. BUT if he took it out, he'd have to pay taxes on it, and mine would stay in the account.

He blew a gasket when I first said the splitting everything and it was ugly - that was when he told me no CS after 18 and he didn't want to pay for health insurance anymore for them "because he might want to put another family on it someday" (WTF???).

So, do I play hardball and just go by the letter of the law and pray that he'll do the right thing by the DDs? Or do I give him some sort of break to foster good will so he'll do the right thing? He has benefitted from my PhD over the last 7+ years and continues to benefit because he only has to pay about 40% of the total cost of CS for teenagers according to the state formula (leaving me with the rest). AND I am only asking him to pay 1/3 of the mortgage while we try to sell the house.

What do I do?? What did you do?? What were the aspects of your situation that led you to your decision? Am I missing something important that I should consider?

StillLivin posted 2/23/2014 00:26 AM

This is so hard to ignore, but ignore him you must.
The judge has the final word. FTG.
Don't even talk about this with him anymore. At this late in the game, NC unless necessary. You would be surprised at how much is actually NOT necessary.
Don't talk on the phone, only text, but better yet, email.
Set his calls to go straight to VM and have a friend field his calls.
It is so freeing. I already addressed your other post, but pack his shit up and put it outside or take it to a friend's for him to go pick up.
Always ask for more, but be reasonable, judges don't like petty or bitter it wastes the courts' time.
Let your lawyer do his/her job. Ask for the moon and stars if you can and it won't piss off the judge.
It's late, I'm exhausted and been doing homework for hours.
When my mind is fresh I'll come back and answer your questions. Maybe by then, others will have come along and given sage advice!
(((griefandrelief)))

Softcentre posted 2/23/2014 02:22 AM

If you're nice to him now, what is to stop him doing what he threatened anyway?

Sounds like he still has that entitled attitude and being nice to him isn't going to stop him wanting what he wants, reasonable or not. He wants/has to blame you for all this, otherwise it becomes his fault. No matter what settlement you reach,he is likely to resent you because his standard of living will go down...so then he's going to want to spite you, regardless.

So you need to make the best business deal you can in this moment and don't assume any help from him in the future. I mean what if he loses his job like Tesla's? They could lose being on his insurance then. The one thing you need to remember: You cannot rely on an unremorseful wayward for anything.

[This message edited by Softcentre at 2:24 AM, February 23rd, 2014 (Sunday)]

neverbeokay posted 2/23/2014 06:32 AM

He has already indicated that he doesn't think he has any obligation to the children once they turn 18.

Clearly he is all about him. So look out for you and your kids.

tesla posted 2/23/2014 07:38 AM

Stop talking to him and have your lawyer present a settlement proposal to his that is the best deal for you and your daughters. Have a fallback position ready that you can accept. I know in my state there is consideration given for children going to college and how the breakdown of what the child's contribution and both parents' contribution ought to be for expenses.

In my state, whoever carries the children on insurance gets certain credits when CS is calculated. As children can be carried on insurance until 26, I'm sure there is a way to write it in the proposal that he has some sort of financial obligation for this...check with your lawyer.

I have only rarely seen playing nice with the WS work out on this board.

Amazonia posted 2/23/2014 07:44 AM

Spoken words and intentions are worth NOTHING. Unless it's a legally binding agreement offered in mediation or as a settlement, it's not worth your energy, time or emotions.

Get it in writing, get it signed, get it in front of a judge.

And if he won't agree without major (unnecessary) concessions on your part, then let the judge make the decisions. For you and for your daughters.

norabird posted 2/23/2014 08:24 AM

Letter of the law and NO breaks. None. Stop worrying about what he thinks of you hon and how he feels about the process. All that matters is the best result for you and your DDs.

You got this.

RealityStinks posted 2/23/2014 12:45 PM

Letter of the law and NO breaks. None. Stop worrying about what he thinks of you hon and how he feels about the process. All that matters is the best result for you and your DDs.

As several others have said to me "D is a business decision".

Bebba1171 posted 3/3/2014 08:04 AM

Hello. I grew up in Kansas - Shawnee Mission.

Not sure if I really understand your calculations, but he should be able to roll over his share of your retirement account into a qualifying plan and not pay taxes