What's other people's sitch? Just curious, especially since I think waywards aren't good with money (the whole consequences thing)...
Write it up the way you want it to go through, and don't worry about how it will affect him....he is not your problem.
[This message edited by Darcy3 at 3:12 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)]
Turns out, I was in a much better position than him. I made the same or slightly better of a salary than him so no alimony. But, he pays a nice chunk in CS, as well as half of any daycare expenses. He also took all of his horrible school loans and the $30,000 in cc debt I didn't know about. I kept the house and refinanced about a month after D. We had just bought it about a year before he walked so, although he tried to say that he was giving me a big windfall, he really just gave me a mortgage with zero equity. The way I see it, he's very lucky I could afford the house or else he would have been buried even further under a foreclosure and/or the loss of any savings we had built up in order to sell it.
I'm very grateful that my education and career allowed me to handle this on my own financially. I cant imagine the stress and the fear otherwise.
Dumbass, from what I can tell, is still in a shitty financial position. He waaaaaay overpaid for a teeny house, still wrestles with all of his debt, drives a crappy car, and pays for just about everything for OW and her kids since her salary is about a quarter of mine and she's bad with finances too seeing as she has a few money judgments against her.
He's now supporting 6 people - himself, the slunt, the slunt's brats, and our kids - on about half of what he had before. Me, on the other hand? I get to do what I want when I want. I live in a nice house and have managed to save up about two years worth of mortgage in the event that I hit a rainy day.
I have learned that marriage is largely a financial contract and, even if I meet the love of my life somewhere down the road, it's a contract that I don't think I will ever sign again. Even though I was lucky and came out on top after this fiasco, I'm very aware that exWH could have ruined me financially. I've worked very hard at building my career and have worked full time since the day I graduated. He could have stolen everything I deserved as a result of that hard work. He did steal from me to pay his secret cc debt and to carry on his A. He could have done a lot worse and that scared me to the point where I will never allow anyone to get near my money and assets again.
He has had two children, he needs to uphold his financial obligation to them. There is no room for guilt here on your part. And yes, he will resent you. And no, there is nothing you can do to get him to see it differently. Trust me. BTDT.
Me on the other hand... I am doing WELL. I found a new job, in a new city and starting my new beginnings. I know how to budget and pay off debt. I am in a much better position than he is- I will have half the student loan debt he has with more degrees than he has. Plus, of course, the child support helps me tremendously to take care of our son and child care costs, which my ex has to pay on top of child support.
It also seems my earning potential is better than his. As an accountant, I will be able to handle a side accounting business in addition to a regular day job while he will only do what he is doing and refuses to work any more, harder than he needs to.
My ex has a few options-
1. Budget and minimize expenses. Create a plan to tackle the debt and stick to it.
2. Find a new girl to leech off of- this wouldn't work because his mother is so involved in his life and another woman, unless she were docile, wouldn't deal with the intrusion.
3. Default/file bankruptcy... Thus would ease the debt if he is successful but doesn't make the child support or student loans go away, I don't think.
Clearly, 1 is the best option but waywards don't want to work on themselves or do any heavy lifting. Anything that requires him going without is not negotiable. My XWH is stubborn, he will fight this tooth and nail before he does anything rational. Fortunately for me, all child support calculators are showing that he will have to pay the same, if not more, if he tries to go for modification. I won't tell him that though.
My ex and I were not married.
I started my career at 19, and have climbed the ladder over the year, and earn a decent salary now.
My ex had trouble getting and keeping jobs. He worked off and on over the 12 years we were together, but usually part-time at minimum wage or maybe a little more.
All the debt was in my name. All the savings, which we had begun to tuck away to be able to buy a house, was in a bank account in his name only.
After the discovery of his affair, he walked away with all the cash; I got all the debt.
Despite that, I am in the best financial shape I have been in years. I worked really hard to pay down the debt that we accrued from living above our means, and I had way more disposable income after he left because I didn't have to pay for another person. Another person who clearly cost more than he contributed.
He walked away with thousands of dollars. It was all gone within a year after he left. He continues to struggle with getting/keeping jobs, and as far as I know, he is unemployed again and living with his parents. Except now he also has an OC he has to pay for. I have no idea how he manages, and I really don't care. But it must suck for him to be 41 years old and have NOTHING but a couch to sleep on in mom and dad's tiny apartment, a piece of shit car that breaks down every other week and a kid with a psycho woman who strives to make his life a living hell.
And suddenly I see...what I lost ain't no loss.
-Richie Kotzen, "What I Lost"
In my situation, I got screwed financially. I put him through med school, residency, and fellowship, and got the pleasure of essentially being a one-woman scholarship fund for a cheater. He did have to pay me back some of what I spent on his education, but not nearly enough. And of course I see no benefit from his education.
We had no debt after selling the house, split all assets (even though I made well over 85% of the income during our marriage and he was just about to start a well-paying job while I'd just lost mine.)
I don't know how he's doing financially now, but I took care of everything during the marriage. He makes enough money and lives in a low cost of living area so he's probably doing OK. I'm doing really well financially -- got a better paying job than I had before.
Remember that these are decisions that could impact you the rest of your life.
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
In the long run, though, I will suffer much more greatly. I am screwed. As in, literally having NOTHING to sustain me in old age. (It is still preferable to spending even a moment more with him.)
Even with more money, he will struggle as badly as he does now, because his ability to make bad decisions only improves with increased income.
The man who is seriously ill and not expected to live even a handful more years? The man who had more than enough life insurance to care for his family should he die--as he is expected to do? His life insurance has been cancelled. And he is uninsurable, so there is no replacing it. I learned this a week ago (got a hint on Valentine's Day because, well---he likes ruining Valentine's Day), and the panic is only beginning to strike me in waves. I'm trying to swallow it as I look for ways to protect my future.
After we D, he cashed out his 401K to live on because he moved away to KS without a job to be with the last OW. That of course didn't work out and he eventually came back here to FL.
He has had 7 jobs since 2011, 4 of these in 2013. The one job that lasted from Sept 2011 to Feb 2013, the division was closing so he jumped on the first opportunity that came his way and was not happy at the new place. In our last conversation, he was talking about job hopping again.
I've been at the same company for almost 13 years so this just boggles my mind.
Last spring he consolidated his massive student loans which he wouldn't have done if I hadn't suggested it and walked him through the process. It did make his month to month better but unfortunately that pushed out his loans for 20 years. Ouch.
He had been starting to get his head above water while we were in R but I guess he jumped the gun on that a bit. Currently he is attempting to purchase a house because he cannot afford to rent, but I just don't see that happening because of his recent job record the past few years and his alimony arrears. Hell, I was loaning him money just this past Oct when his job hopping caused him to be short that month.
He is also almost $1000 behind on the rent I was charging him to live here. He is still paying the rent, even though he isn't living here, but that is just his attempt to fool the mortgage underwriters into thinking he's stable. I have no intentions on lying if asked, that mortgage fraud thing is not something I want to be involved in.
My only debts are my motorcycle, half my car (other half is him), and a mortgage. I'm not living the high life but I don't have to worry about my house of cards tumbling down like he does.
I offered him a deal to pay off the alimony within 2 years. I am willing to spread it out to 3 years but he hasn't bothered responding to my offer. Most likely he's going to sit on it until he gets turned down for a mortgage.
All this annoys the crap out of me because I was willing to help him as long as we were in R. Guess he should have thought it all out before he "lost interest".
I had to take a very hard position when I got out of my marriage with my cheating ex. I got a legal annulment which meant I could not collect a dime from him, but it also prevented him from getting anything further from me.
He cried, he begged, he pleaded. I did feel sorry for him - then. But I did hold firm, hard as it was. I'm so glad I did.
Fast forward six years and I now have a serious auto-immune disorder. I'm now partially disabled. I'm receiving a benefit from a disability policy I've maintained for years (thank God!). I do work part-time. Gone are the days of big money and career success.
That said, I have a nice house, a nice car and I can pay my bills. I still have my 401K and some money I was able to save after my annulment. If I had to pay him anything after the marriage, I wouldn't have been able to save. He would have completely wiped me out.
I'm more financially secure than I was while married to him, on less than half the income! Before feeling "generous" with respect to him, consider that something like this could happen to you, too. I'm so glad I held firm in what I did.
Take care of you! By the way, as soon as my ex realized that I was serious and would no longer be supporting him, he found another woman to pay his bills.