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Lacking couples friends?

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realgood2u posted 2/23/2014 02:56 AM

Pre-kids (decades ago) WH and I had multiple very close couple friends. After both kids we had one very close couple. These were during the military years where you make very fast and firm friends easily.

For the last 25 years we have had no couple friends. I did try a few times and he wasn't interested. It seems I made my own friends and WH ramped up his extra-marital activities.

I guess what I am asking is if any of you see any connection to your friends (couples or otherwise) or lack thereof and WS activities.

OakStreet posted 2/23/2014 04:41 AM

I have also had this question. When we first married, we had a social life with other friends, both single and married. As the years went by, and we moved a few times, I would develop friendships, but he did not. I have some very close friends from college (40 yrs ago!) and brought him into that circle.

Once DS came into our lives, it seemed all my WH could concentrate on was work and family (well, maybe not).

I told WH that he was turning into a "fuddy-duddy" - he never wanted to go out and socialize. He claimed they were "my friends, not his", although when I could drag him out he seemed to have a good time.

In our first MC, he admitted that his best friend "used to be his wife, but now it was a woman he used to work with". This was the person he had an EA with in 2011 (he still maintains it was 'nothing').

Now after a EA/PA with a COW, we are in MC again.
And the friendship thing has come up again. I think our marriage suffered from BOREDOM and that some outside friendships/activities could have helped that. Common interests and all.

But he doesn't see this. Thank god I have friends (who don't have a clue what's going on in my life).

Shocked2believe posted 2/23/2014 05:15 AM

Oh my word! OakStreet, I think you have almost written my post for me. Only we're not going to MC and most likely won't as he's not interested. Wow! What an insight. ... Thank you!

jpumpkin posted 2/23/2014 06:21 AM

We use to have couple friends. Mainly his friends and their SO. We have moved quite a bit for his job and unfortunately lost contact along the way. We haven't really had any real couple friends in about 6 years. He use to work so much that the only friends he could make were work friends but he's come to realize that those friendships usually only last as long as the working relationship does. His very best friend died and I think he kind of shut himself off from creating new friends now. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand he focuses more on family now than he ever did and in the past his friend choices were not always the healthiest (guys who cheat, stay out late, have no real commitment) so his behavior would deteriorate. But on the other hand, I worry if he is truly fulfilled. He says he is. I'm introverted and a homebody with few people that I would consider more than an acquaintance and I don't feel unfulfilled. In our case I guess his friend choices hurt us. Even the couples because the men were often disrespectful to their relationships. ...... that influenced his behavior. I'd like to find a couple we both enjoy who hold family first like we do.

totallyconfused1 posted 2/23/2014 07:39 AM

We have quite a few couples friends, however finding the time to get together with them is hard. Everyone has kids in different activities and everyone's going in all different directions.

My ws also works weekends, so it's hard to plan stuff with people.

But that is something I said I want to do more of - make an effort to have card night, go bowling, whatever with our couples friends. All of our couples friends are family oriented, still together, and very positive people.

stillhere09 posted 2/23/2014 08:02 AM


If the couple has a good, strong marriage, it's a good idea. My ex and I had one couple we were friends with, and their marriage was a good one. As a result, he was a good influence on my WH. Not only that, but he felt accountable much more. That is, if he screwed up, he would be embarrassed for this couple to know about it. It was during this time that he tried his hardest to be a man and to drop the cheating. Unfortunately, he could only be strong for so long. After a year or a little more, he was at it again, anyway. I just thought I'd add another reason why couples friends are a good idea in a marriage that is in R. IF the couple has a good strong marriage.

We tried being friends with another couple, but that one went awry because the guy claimed my WH was trying to get something going with his wife. I didn't believe him at the time, we parted from that couple. I believe him now!

lovehatelove posted 2/23/2014 10:55 AM

realgood2u

we don't have any friends right now either.... there was one married couple we were friends with but......

me and the wife had a falling out.. she was a bitch to me when all I wanted was for her to be a friend to me during the time I found out about the A... she acted like I was an inconvenience to her... true friend right there....

honestly, when I think about it, I'm better off without her... she wasn't there for me at all... she didn't give a shit about me and my situation either.... so, EFF her

homewrecked2011 posted 2/23/2014 11:01 AM

I wonder sometimes if our lack of couple friends was because XWH couldn't be "real". I realize now people saw thru him kinda quickly (except me) and dropped his as a friend.

And now that I think about this,,,,,when I first met my XWS I specifically was looking for someone who had friends. He did at the time, but I should have noticed the "red flag" that they had been his friends only about 6 months, and he had no friends from his life from age 0-29.

Thanks for the insight.

BrooklynLove posted 2/23/2014 11:27 AM

Everytime I read a story here about affairs that started with a couples friend it just reaffirms me that I don't need them. We are still in a vulnerable place and I don't need extra worry right now of analyzing whether or not my WH is flirting with this friend or not .

RealityStinks posted 2/23/2014 12:31 PM

It's the opposite for me right now. We ONLY had couples friends it seems. I've got a few good friends of my own, and she does too. But, now that we're D, it seems like most of the couples friends are going to fall on her side of the fence. So, I don't know if they help or hurt a M, but it does make for awkward realignment is things go south.

From this point forward, I'm going to focus my attention on MY friends. If I meet someone else, of course couples friends will probably be a part of it. But, I'll make more of an effort to keep MY friendships the focus for me.

Hopefully that makes sense.

hathnofury posted 2/23/2014 15:38 PM

I think you have a really good point. It *should* be a red flag for everyone. If you don't have couples friends you hang out with somewhat regularly, you should really examine why.

I know in our case we had tons in the beginning. Then we had kids before most of our friends, and moved a lot. At the time, I thought that was most of it. But I still could make friends through mom groups, etc. I should have seen that our not having couples friends was part of a bigger issue - WH was not interested in doing what it took to be a real couple at the time. His selfish desires took priority over everything else.

I think a related issue is what do you do to fix that, once you have committed to R? It's been a huge struggle for us. Again, we have no issues finding our own friends, but couples to hang with is another thing entirely. We even signed up for a Dinner for 8 thing at church, where you get paired up with other couples and take turns hosting dinner parties. It was so fun, but because the couples were all so different from us it never went beyond those initial dinners. We spend so much time on the kids, our own healing, our healing together, life in general, etc it is so hard to devote the time and energy it takes to cultivate new couples friends. We are lucky to get a babysitter once or twice a month. Hard to pursue those interests.

TheGarden posted 2/23/2014 15:46 PM

"Couple friends" were the reason for WH's affair. All three of them were in on it together while I was left in the dark.

Sadly, I can't ever see us having any close friends like that again. I couldn't feel safe.

Stillstings posted 2/23/2014 15:47 PM

We've had mixed results. Some couples friends, others because I do not want to hear about genitals. Boundaries were lacking so I didn't want to hear about it,

emotionalgirl posted 2/23/2014 16:32 PM

We had lots of couple friends when we first met, then they started having children and sadly we were not able to have a family. We drifted apart as they were too busy with kid activities to go out just adults. We maintained one couple friend who has now divorced, so there went that "couples" friendship. We remain friends with them as individuals, but it is difficult.

Some of the old friends have started to come back into our lives now that their children are growing up. Problem is WH acts like he is 25 and these couples have matured as their children and families have grown. I have also noticed that he treats the wives differently than he used to. This makes the husbands uncomfortable, thereby making the friends drift away. I never noticed his behaviour until after his EA came to light.

justme29 posted 2/24/2014 20:15 PM

We have had some couple friends.

However, my WH had a good friend who has passed away. His wife and the OW worked together. He would "go have a beer" at this friends house often. I was never invited. Not once. I imagine they were couple friends. That OW was always there too.

I also assume some of those times were excuses and he was actually just with OW.

carnelian posted 2/24/2014 20:29 PM

Yeah, we have never really had any couples friends. We're childfree and have a pretty active life together, but I think having some couple friends - healthy ones, that is - would have helped WH in determining what 'normal' male behavior was. I brought up the couple friends thing a number of times, wondering what was wrong with us - I figured we'd be loyal, considerate and decent friends. He thought we just didn't deserve any because we're oblivious jerks. Maybe he's right. At any rate, couple friends are pretty much out anyway, so that's one worry off the table!

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