For the last 25 years we have had no couple friends. I did try a few times and he wasn't interested. It seems I made my own friends and WH ramped up his extra-marital activities.
I guess what I am asking is if any of you see any connection to your friends (couples or otherwise) or lack thereof and WS activities.
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
Once DS came into our lives, it seemed all my WH could concentrate on was work and family (well, maybe not).
I told WH that he was turning into a "fuddy-duddy" - he never wanted to go out and socialize. He claimed they were "my friends, not his", although when I could drag him out he seemed to have a good time.
In our first MC, he admitted that his best friend "used to be his wife, but now it was a woman he used to work with". This was the person he had an EA with in 2011 (he still maintains it was 'nothing').
Now after a EA/PA with a COW, we are in MC again.
And the friendship thing has come up again. I think our marriage suffered from BOREDOM and that some outside friendships/activities could have helped that. Common interests and all.
But he doesn't see this. Thank god I have friends (who don't have a clue what's going on in my life).
'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway, you're blocking the traffic'
My ws also works weekends, so it's hard to plan stuff with people.
But that is something I said I want to do more of - make an effort to have card night, go bowling, whatever with our couples friends. All of our couples friends are family oriented, still together, and very positive people.
We tried being friends with another couple, but that one went awry because the guy claimed my WH was trying to get something going with his wife. I didn't believe him at the time, we parted from that couple. I believe him now!
Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M
we don't have any friends right now either.... there was one married couple we were friends with but......
me and the wife had a falling out.. she was a bitch to me when all I wanted was for her to be a friend to me during the time I found out about the A... she acted like I was an inconvenience to her... true friend right there....
honestly, when I think about it, I'm better off without her... she wasn't there for me at all... she didn't give a shit about me and my situation either.... so, EFF her
And now that I think about this,,,,,when I first met my XWS I specifically was looking for someone who had friends. He did at the time, but I should have noticed the "red flag" that they had been his friends only about 6 months, and he had no friends from his life from age 0-29.
Thanks for the insight.
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
BW - Me (28)
WH - Him my JH sweetheart (33)
Married - 8 years
2 babies - DD (3) and DD (5 months)
OW#1 - PA with classmate for 2 months
OW#2 - Some slut living oversees that needs a green card. EA & PA going on
From this point forward, I'm going to focus my attention on MY friends. If I meet someone else, of course couples friends will probably be a part of it. But, I'll make more of an effort to keep MY friendships the focus for me.
Hopefully that makes sense.
I know in our case we had tons in the beginning. Then we had kids before most of our friends, and moved a lot. At the time, I thought that was most of it. But I still could make friends through mom groups, etc. I should have seen that our not having couples friends was part of a bigger issue - WH was not interested in doing what it took to be a real couple at the time. His selfish desires took priority over everything else.
I think a related issue is what do you do to fix that, once you have committed to R? It's been a huge struggle for us. Again, we have no issues finding our own friends, but couples to hang with is another thing entirely. We even signed up for a Dinner for 8 thing at church, where you get paired up with other couples and take turns hosting dinner parties. It was so fun, but because the couples were all so different from us it never went beyond those initial dinners. We spend so much time on the kids, our own healing, our healing together, life in general, etc it is so hard to devote the time and energy it takes to cultivate new couples friends. We are lucky to get a babysitter once or twice a month. Hard to pursue those interests.
Sadly, I can't ever see us having any close friends like that again. I couldn't feel safe.
Some of the old friends have started to come back into our lives now that their children are growing up. Problem is WH acts like he is 25 and these couples have matured as their children and families have grown. I have also noticed that he treats the wives differently than he used to. This makes the husbands uncomfortable, thereby making the friends drift away. I never noticed his behaviour until after his EA came to light.
However, my WH had a good friend who has passed away. His wife and the OW worked together. He would "go have a beer" at this friends house often. I was never invited. Not once. I imagine they were couple friends. That OW was always there too.
I also assume some of those times were excuses and he was actually just with OW.