Especially if the A has been going on for awhile. I'm working on indifference. I find that when my mind floats toward the OM, I check myself that I am not thinking of the fantasy rather than the actual reality
I really do think that being in a LTA has something to do with the time it takes to get to indifference. I think for me, what I struggle with is accepting that I shouldn't be thinking of AP and feeling frustrated that thoughts of him cross my mind, not in any ways longing or missing but just thoughts. I spent 2.5 years conversing with this man on daily basis for hours a day. An attachment was formed. I guess I'm just frustrated that this immoral and illicit attachment has not faded from my mind as quick as I'd like it to. And because it should have by now. (My IC says I have too many "shoulds" in my life)
I'm also aware that it's when I'm struggling with some real life situation, I am triggered. It's exactly like an addiction in that I use the thoughts to "run away" from what's really happening.
I am in IC and we often talk about learning how to self-soothe and not 'using' anything to comfort myself when I'm going through a hard time with other stuff.
I've never been able to self-soothe but now I sit with uncomfortable feelings as much as I can. It's hard but I know it's good for me. My instinct is to spill out to whoever will listen and seek reassurance.
I spent the last few days with my mother. I never realised how similar we are and how I react exactly the same as her. I have so much fodder for my next IC. I have become my mother and I never wanted that to happen. I focus so much on my marriage in my IC sessions but it would seem I need to dig deep into my FOO issues to understand better why I am the way I am.
This journey is so exhausting.