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I feel stuck and so sad

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Trying33 posted 2/23/2014 03:29 AM

Do you think there's a correlation between having thoughts of xAP and still having shit loads of internal work to do?

Does indifference towards AP mean you've started to heal a bit or perhaps started to reconcile some of the inner turmoils?

Why do I start to trigger with thoughts of AP when my husband is away for work? What's wrong with me?

Apart from the obvious things like distraction and conscious changing thoughts, posting on SI etc, what else do you do when you trigger with thoughts of xAP?

I should add:
a) I can't talk to BH about it as he has asked we don't speak of the A
b) I have absolutely ZERO intention of breaking NC (more out of shame than anything else)

smez posted 2/23/2014 03:55 AM

Time is helpful. I don't think anyone can just shut off their brain and pretend that the OP didn't exist. Especially if the A has been going on for awhile. I'm working on indifference. I find that when my mind floats toward the OM, I check myself that I am not thinking of the fantasy rather than the actual reality.

I can talk to my husband about the OM but certain areas are off limits for us as well.

Some suggest focusing on the pain of your BS instead of the OM. I'm not sure that works for me but different things for different people. Someone else said that they cleaned their house everytime they triggered and that they had a very clean house for a short time.

authenticnow posted 2/23/2014 06:41 AM

I do think there is a correlation, and yes it does take time. I found that the thoughts of OP were the most frequent and intense were when I hadn't told my BH and I was still very, very foggy. Once all the truth was out, I started really focusing on myself and my true issues, and the M, the thoughts went away.

Also, it's what you do with those thoughts that matter. If I spent time mourning the end of the A, letting myself dwell in those the moments, I got so deeply involved within my thoughts. I started to let the thought in, and then let it float out. I started to deliberately not let it take up the space in my brain.

I worked through a lot of this in IC. I highly recommend it if you don't already go.

HotMessInTX posted 2/23/2014 07:44 AM

I think it varies with the individuals. I have always been good at detaching and indifference. I have to really focus on my emotions to experience them. So, while I think of the AP from time to time, I have had an easier time detaching from the A and from the AP.

I still have triggers and still have moments where instinctively I want to talk to him. For a long time, the AP was my "best friend". That is the biggest struggle I have with the AP and triggers. I have no other close friends and there are many things I cannot just talk to BH about.

I would agree with others, time helps and recognizing the thoughts and re-focusing.

Trying33 posted 2/23/2014 10:43 AM

Especially if the A has been going on for awhile. I'm working on indifference. I find that when my mind floats toward the OM, I check myself that I am not thinking of the fantasy rather than the actual reality

I really do think that being in a LTA has something to do with the time it takes to get to indifference. I think for me, what I struggle with is accepting that I shouldn't be thinking of AP and feeling frustrated that thoughts of him cross my mind, not in any ways longing or missing but just thoughts. I spent 2.5 years conversing with this man on daily basis for hours a day. An attachment was formed. I guess I'm just frustrated that this immoral and illicit attachment has not faded from my mind as quick as I'd like it to. And because it should have by now. (My IC says I have too many "shoulds" in my life)

I'm also aware that it's when I'm struggling with some real life situation, I am triggered. It's exactly like an addiction in that I use the thoughts to "run away" from what's really happening.

I am in IC and we often talk about learning how to self-soothe and not 'using' anything to comfort myself when I'm going through a hard time with other stuff.

I've never been able to self-soothe but now I sit with uncomfortable feelings as much as I can. It's hard but I know it's good for me. My instinct is to spill out to whoever will listen and seek reassurance.

I spent the last few days with my mother. I never realised how similar we are and how I react exactly the same as her. I have so much fodder for my next IC. I have become my mother and I never wanted that to happen. I focus so much on my marriage in my IC sessions but it would seem I need to dig deep into my FOO issues to understand better why I am the way I am.

This journey is so exhausting.

Mrs Panda posted 2/23/2014 11:42 AM

I made a list of 100 things I enjoy doing. I looked at things I loved as a kid, too. I tried to find my way back to who I was/am before all the dysfunctional thinking and coping took over.

What are you doing to fill the days? When these thoughts come in, make are you don't veg out.

Go out and make your happy. Don't sit around and be sad and bored and mopey :)

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